Is this abuse

[Missbutterfly]

I still don’t trust my own judgement. I was married to an abusive partner, left ages ago, been with new partner for some time but there are red flags and i’m not sure if I am overreacting of if this is the start of abusive behaviour and hoping someone can help or share their experience.

I accidently spilt a cold drink over him and our child. I apologised straight away but he went absolutely mad at me in front of loads of people. Made such a big thing of it and has given me the silent treatment since. This is the 2nd time he has used the silent treatment and it is making me feel pretty rubbish. He critisises little things like how I have done something and quite often finds fault with things I do / dont do. Yet on the other hand he can be wonderful and is so most of the time, says nice things to me, bigs up my confidence etc but then this. Most things seem to have to be his way or the highway.

What should I make of this?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there, I would write down every incident you can remember. When I was confused about my ex early on I wrote it all down. I was surprised to write 9 pages! However I still stayed though because he could act like the world’s best boyfriend a lot of the time which really confused me as well as the lies and gaslighting which kept me in the dark about what he was really like. He ended up getting really scary and being dangerous in the end so the red flags, although apparently minor, were all correct and were like little warning signs that I walked right past to my peril. There is no way in a million years I would have thought he was an abuser when I first met him, he seemed lovely.

Keep checking in with yourself like in a journal, write down each new incident and ring the helpline for advice. Keep posting here too for support and you will soon feel clearer about making a decision.

[Emmlogan]

Miss Butterfly…you should absolutely do that. I spent years secretly sending myself emails about what he had done. Later, when I learned that the best reaction to him vile words was to shut down and not react at all, I would sometimes sit and write what he was doing while he was doing it. These record kept me sane both at the time I was his victim and since I found my freedom because if I ever need a reminder of why I left I read what he did to me. Be really really careful though. Don’t ever, ever tell him what you’re doing and don’t ever let him find your words. Good luck with it. Let us know how you are. One final thing….If you need to judge of his behaviour is acceptable, ask yourself….If you heard someone behaving like that to your sister or your daughter or your best mate, would you think it was acceptable then x

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