Is this abuse or am I overthinking

[PumpkinSpice1]

So I have been with this person for (timeframe removed by Moderator), where it started really well, we clicked and it was good, however, after a few months, there were moments where I thought I might be being gaslit or emotionally manipulated. At this time, I have been wondering about this as I am talking about it with my friends, who are all mentioning that this is emotional abuse, and maybe a little more. So, I thought I’d come here and discuss it and see what everyone said about it because honestly its making me so anxious just thinking about what is happening.

At the moment I’ve asked for a break, mainly because of my mental health, when I asked for this space, he spent (timeframe removed by Moderator) shouting at me on the phone, I did not shout back, I stayed silent and he continued to shout at me, telling me that because of my trauma I live in the past and that maybe I should look at him, the person who keeps me safe and loves me. At this moment, when this was being said, I was shaking so badly, my anxiety was so bad that I have not slept properly since. (timeframe removed by Moderator) he called me again to say that he was going to come round and talk about it, I asked him not to because I didn’t want to argue, to which he said (communication removed by Moderator) and somehow I was the one who ended up apologising for this incident, since then I haven’t seen him because I’ve gone low contact for now while I deal with my mental health especially my anxiety. One time, he shouted at me because I was not ready to speak about my trauma however he had become so frustrated and shouted a lot about this situation that I had to, while feeling unsafe speak about this trauma to defend myself, which made my anxiety and depression drop so badly I was emotionless for a few weeks, unable to sleep properly and having panic attacks because my nightmares came back to haunt me, again there was no apology for this happening, I don’t think he has ever apologised for raising his voice at me.

In the past he has shouted at me (with me not shouting back, but staying pretty silent in the ‘conversation’ where he has told me I need to move jobs, questioned my job as well saying that he makes more money than me doing less basically, even though I love my job, it’s the reason I was able to buy my own place. He has accused me of being the reason he is now on medication (he stormed out the house after declaring that to then come back and tell me (communication removed by Moderator) and now acts like he never said it) He has made me so anxious about his ‘frustration’ that I apologise for everything, I let him make the decisions because I don’t want him to shout again. I avoid meeting with friends or family on my days off, because I know that he wont be happy if he doesn’t get to see me all the time I’m off, and when my friends have been there they have described him as ‘seeing me as his possession’

I feel like I’ve not been able to express myself, when I did mention I didn’t like how he tried to make me change my job, it had become him ‘debating me’ trying to always one up me and would make me feel like I was in the wrong, every time with any discussion for some reason it was always ME that was incorrect, or that’s how I felt because he would just speak quicker and louder meaning I was unable to get a word in sometimes. Honestly, I don’t really know what to do or if this is even considered emotional abuse or if I am completely overreacting to the matter. I am worried about posting this, maybe it’s because it may open my eyes to what I am experiencing. My mental health has taken such a dive in the past few months due to everything going on. I can’t speak about my support of feminism, he doesn’t really support my interests. He never takes me on dates or surprises me, when he last tried to he got angry because I was unable to do the night he had booked the dinner for. He has made S/A jokes while knowing I am a victim of S/A, and once when talking about comedy and how I don’t like when comedians joke about S/A that (communication removed by Moderator) which made me question everything because when has S/A ever been funny?

So I have come here, hoping that my eyes can be open to what this is. Please any advice would be good.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello PumpkinSpice1

It’s brave of you to write and hopefully been very helpful for you to speak, and be heard here. The fear you express of him is enough to tell you that what he’s doing is abusive. He will absolutely be able to see what he is doing to you and the horrible effects his behaviour is having on you,then he decides to not show you any remorse for this or make any changes.

I am very sorry to hear that you have suffered other traumas prior to meeting him, but this should give him fair warning to be careful and gentle with you. Many will not understand what it’s like and how difficult it is to deal with the trauma or how to be around someone who is suffering with it, but, it’s his choice to walk away if it’s not for him, but he doesn’t, he verbally beats you and thinks that is absolutely good. Certainly, jokes about your trauma are just cruel,and shows a complete disregard for your feelings. It says that your feelings don’t matter, that his right to tell revolting jokes (that aren’t funny and he knows this), trumps your right to not have to be subjected to them.

We all want someone who cares in our lives, and he’s not showing you this.

I hope you will feel more confident to write about what’s been happening for you, now that you have started this journey in looking more closely at his behaviour and the terrible impact it’s having on you.

Look after yourself first and foremost.

warmest wishes

ts

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I was just trying to imagine what a loving and supportive and healthy reaction would be to a partner asking for a break because they were suffering with the repercussions of past trauma and mental health issues.

I would expect a healthy partner to be supportive, maybe a bit sad because they wouldn’t see you for a while, maybe a bit insecure that they weren’t helping you with this, so maybe a question like “is there anything I could do to be more helpful”. Secretly they may think aha now is the time I can get on with my (I don’t know what, fill in the gaps) evening out with mates, cathedral built out of matchsticks project, dissertation, long hikes up hills etc etc.

I second what Twisted sister says , at worst, a healthy partner could decide that they weren’t really equipped or didn’t really want to deal with these things, and would tell you that maybe they needed to end the relationship.

But why would someone react like your partner has? One reason that I’ve found that abusers react so violently when we ask for some space is because they know that their coercive control will be weakened more and more if they’re not there to control you. You will have space to think about the abuse instead of just being continually caught up in the exhausting process of having to worry about what the next drama will be. You may even have time to talk to others and get some feedback about what’s going on.
Your partner hasn’t chosen any of those other options, he’s chosen to brutalize you by yelling at you.
My personal opinion is that it’s highly abusive to do that, and it’s far from the worst thing he’s done to you by the sound of it.
It’s early days in the relationship, relatively. If you imagine that things will only get worse as it goes on ( and it will I promise you that!), I think maybe you are right to be having serious doubts about him.

xx

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