Is this abuse or just behaviours that could be seen as abusive to a survivor?

[LostMyselfAgain]

Yes, my first big relationship from (age removed by Moderator) onwards was very abusive. I don’t know if the relationship I’m in now is abusive or if I am seeing it through the lens of a survivor and coming in looking for signs? Or conversely, am I overlooking too much because this relationship doesn’t appear overtly abusive compared to my first marriage.

Here are the thoughts that had me finally post today, though they don’t go into the more severe and overtime stuff that has happened.

I’m disabled and my partner is supposed to care for me. They chose to do this rather than find another job after being let go and are paid. They do care for me, when they want to. If it’s something they don’t want to do, or they want to do something else that they think is as good as or better than what i have asked of them, they will do that.

 

An element of a care roll is doing something that a disabled person cannot, whether it’s part of a routine or doing something the disabled person would do it they could, but they can’t so you’re literally there to bridge that gap. I have physical disabilities as well as being neurodivergent and for me personally, i take on tasks when I’m in a position to be able to explain them as good communication is vital for a fulfilling dynamic with a carer. It doesn’t matter how much time that person spends on the ground, whether it’s 2 hours or 20, in the time they are actively in that role they are there to help you. Not belittle, not make you justify your request. Not making you beg for them to just please do as you ask and reiterating why they should be doing that as a carer and why they should be doing it in that specific instance.

 

I’m not talking big things. Here’s a fake example:

 

Please could you put the eggs on the left side of the cooker

*puts them on right side of cooker*

Could you please put the eggs on the left side of the cooker?

I got the eggs out

Yes but i need them on the left side of the cooker

 

Back and forth a few more times with me explaining that i need them on the left side becaude i can’t twist to pick them up on the right side, so while the eggs are next to the cooker they’re not in a place where I can reach and that’s why i asked for them to be on the left side of the cooker.

 

The eggs may be moved begrudgingly

I may be shouted at

They may form a resentment about you correcting them that you won’t know about untill you know about it

I might now be exhausted from the exchange. The explanations and the shouting. The exasperation at having yet another exchange go like this when you thought things were improving, at least since the last time.

I may now be to tired to make myself the food that i was doing myself and it’s likely to be something outside of their skills set

I may use all of my energy reserves for that day on whatever has happened and go somewhere relatively safe to cry

 

He mostly eases off after when he knows he’s behaved like this as i am wise to it and call it out instead of just letting it go as if it didn’t matter, the task or the pattern of behaviour that keeps being enacted.

When he doesn’t have demands on him because I’d rather not get shouted at than eat something, he behaves beautifully. Not lovebombing, he doesn’t even show me he loves me usually, either by doing things that will make me happy like actually listening and doing without 6 follow ups before i just accept it won’t get done and wait till my paid part time carer comes in and frantically try and get all of the things done, fill the fridge with food i can just grab and eat but is nutritious and tasty to me. We do the things my partner wouldn’t, things i know i will need to be ready for the next couple of days till they are back, paying particular mind to anticipating anything that is very likely to prompt one of these arguments and getting ahead of it so the arguement doesn’t happen and i get my needs met.

We do more in under 10 hours a week than my husband does for me in the whole week, and he is usually home 24/7. On the odd occasion he does go out he will tell me he’s going to be a specific amount of time and most often stays out longer and is not contactable by phone. He can stay out as long as he wants. If he says he’ll be out till midnight i will try and make sure i have everything i need to hand before he leaves, like medication, food, drink etc. I can’t do that if i trust his word and only plan to have everything i need for 2 hours so as not to doubt him. I then end up looking needy and like I’m calling him home but I’m not. I just need to be able to plan for things as they are or as they are likely to be. It almost feels deliberate at this point, particularly as one of the excuses he uses to not go out and see friends ans family is that i need him to be there for me, which i don’t. I encourage him to go out as i can finally breath and feel like the house is somewhere i can just live. The whole house, without having to hide in my room if i want to be left alone, and even then I’m on needles and pins waiting for the knock.

 

Is this abuse or is trauma informing how I see this?

[Marmalade]

Hi LostMyselfAgain,

This all sounds very difficult. I presume your husband has no particular training. It sounds like you are a person who needs things done in exactly a certain way in order to meet your needs and he is someone who has a more casual approach  and is finding it difficult to adapt to your needs. Shouting sounds like frustration and resentment and that is not good for anyone. He is plainly struggling with the role and is not fully suited to it.

What appears clear is the strain that this situation is placing on both of you and it is not healthy for either of you or your relationship. Do you think there is any possibility of a discussion about a different paid carer coming in to help you and for him to be able to pursue a career outside the home? If he is struggling with the role then this is not working.

[Lisa]

Hi LostMyselfAgain,

Domestic abuse coming from a partner who is also your carer can be particularly insidious. A few things in your post really stood out. He is belittling you about your disability when you deserve to be treated with respect. He is shouting at you about your needs. His actions have scared you and made you change your behaviour, you’re going without food to avoid his shouting, you feel like you can’t breathe in your own home, you’re constantly on edge. This is abuse. It’s a pattern of behaviour to degrade, scare, and control you. It’s not okay that he is taking the role of paid carer without fulfilling your basic needs. That’s stopping you from paying someone else to be your carer, which deprives you of dignity, choices, and a fuller life, while he’s benefitting from not having to work.

It’s very common that previous trauma from domestic abuse causes women to second guess themselves because the abuse in their current relationship is of a different nature. I’m glad that you’ve reached out here to ask. If you wanted some ongoing support, you could reach out to your local domestic abuse service for this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

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