is this abuse? or mental heath issues? (lesbian)

[6pod]

Hello,

I’m going through something with my partner at the moment (we’re both lesbians in our (detail removed by Moderator)). My friends and family say that I should break up with her because her actions are abusive and manipulative but I don’t know if I believe it. I’ve been in an abusive relationship before (about (detail removed by Moderator) years ago) and it feels completely different to what I’m in now. I will explain what has happened in the last (detail removed by Moderator). Sorry in advance as I know this will probably be a fairly long post. I can’t tell if this is abuse or not and I would really like to have some opinions if that’s okay.

With my current partner I can be myself, we have such a laugh and we can talk for hours. The thing is I feel like everything is my fault. She has bad mental health and I have been there for her for the duration of our relationship (nearing (detail removed by Moderator) months together) but recently her breakdowns have gotten much more severe. When she is in this state it’s like she wants me to play this villain so she can pick a bigger fight with me. I have no interest in fighting or shouting (I didn’t grow up around either) and constantly try to de-escalate the situation. This usually happens between (detail removed by Moderator). By the time it’s done, I am absolutely exhausted. (detail removed by Moderator) after one particular breakdown she accused me of wanting her to (detail removed by Moderator) which obviously I vehemently denied and tried to reassure her that I did not want that. In the morning I was totally void of all feeling and felt completely numb which I haven’t had in years. My flatmates messaged me asking if I was okay because they could hear her shouting and stomping around that night, at first I said yes but then after seeing one of them in the kitchen I realised I couldn’t keep pretending everything was fine. I live with my partner and (detail removed by Moderator) flatmates who are my best friends. I haven’t told them anything bad that is going on but I know they have heard it. Once I sat with one of them I told her everything that’s been going on recently, my flatmate said it was abusive. My flatmate said this very cautiously because she has also been in an abusive relationship and knows my history with abusive partners and she did not want to scare me but that is what she thinks. I called my mum who is a (detail removed by Moderator) and she said that my partner is abusive. My mum knows that my partner has a very long and sad history with trauma, abusive parents, and assault but said that it is not my responsibility and that I need to break up with her before it gets any worse. My partner always says that I should communicate more and that I go silent but I’m scared to tell her things. I have fantastic communication skills but I can’t talk to her because I am worried things will turn into a fight or it will upset her and turn into this big thing that is my fault. I tried to tell her some things (detail removed by Moderator) to make more of an effort to communicate despite this and I felt that it was thrown in my face. I told her that I was feeling low (I suffer with depression and anxiety though I am medicated and pretty okay most of the time) and she said that now my low mood has rubbed off on her and she feels s**t. She also wanted me to open up about my ex so one evening (detail removed by Moderator) we were out and she was telling me about all of her ex’s and what happened there. I thought that this would be a good time to bring up my stuff after she was done, which wasn’t until we were home, and when I did she said “(detail removed by Moderator)” and was clearly annoyed with me for mentioning anything. I feel like I can never win. If I don’t say things I am secretive but If I do then I’m made to feel bad.

(detail removed by Moderator) after the breakdown about (detail removed by Moderator) I said to my partner that I needed space to think about our relationship. She sobbed and begged me to reconsider and said that she would fix everything. I said that I couldn’t trust her and that I needed time. I blurted out that I think she was abusive and she could not believe I said that. (detail removed by Moderator) she came home from work and gave me a lecture on the weight of the word ‘abusive’ and how accusations like that could ruin lives (as if I don’t know that and that’s not the exact reason no one knows my ex is abusive). She then said that if she was abusive to my standard then so was I. I don’t know what to think now. She keeps flipping from apologising and crying to accusing me of being abusive to then saying this is all ridiculous and we should just work it out. She left to stay with her (detail removed by Moderator) for a bit to ‘sort out her issues’ and she said all she’s asking for is a second chance. If she sorts out her breakdowns and is nicer to me then should I give her a second chance? I’m staying at my (detail removed by Moderator) house at the moment but I can’t bring myself to talk about it with anyone, I feel so confused and also guilty about saying she’s abusive. Is it just a rough month? She apologised for so much and hasn’t gone back on her apology for a lot of stuff, but is it just a ploy to get me back? We live together which makes everything so much more complicated and worse. If it is her mental health can it be fixed? Or is it actually abuse? She was so convincing that she will fix her stuff and we can get back to normal but there has been things that stuck out as red flags starting from about a month into being together.

Please let me know what you think and thank you for getting this far in reading this.

[maddog]

A history of trauma abuse can certainly trip people into becoming abusers themselves. These people build up a False self as a protection against the horrors they’ve experienced.

Poor mental health is never an excuse for abuse. The abusive behaviour became baked in long before you came along and the sob stories and pity plays are often used to draw you in. Most normal people want to look after and protect our partners and it’s horrible when people use their mental health as a weapon.

You’ve done nothing wrong by telling your partner that you find her behaviour abusive. If she truly wants to recover, it’s a journey she must take with professional support and success will probably be limited.

Of course you can give this woman a second chance. You’ll probably get more of the same and it’s likely to get worse. You deserve so much better.

As you look back towards the beginning of the relationship, you’ll probably see lots of red flags popping up. A major red flag is moving in together very quickly. The charm, the mirroring, the love bombing. It doesn’t take long for the mask to slip.

Although awful things may have happened to your girlfriend, it’s not your responsibility to pick up the pieces or to make everything better. You weren’t there and you’re not in a position to change anything. Eating disorders are gruesome. They’re also a massive commitment and need professional intervention. They also don’t turn people into abusers.

Baby steps…

[Author]

Posts