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Hi, i have a list of things and im wondering if it could be because of his mental health rather than abuse.
Shouting and screaming at me.
Threatening me.
threatening to kill himself whenever I tried to end things.
squeezing me in bear hugs that hurt, while staring and grinning at me.
digging his fingers into me.
Making nasty comments then telling me he’s joking.
not letting me leave a room or following me.
driving erratically to scare me.
saying things, then denying he said them or did things.
this is just a small sample, some things I can’t bring myself to say, I ended things (time frame removed by moderator) but he’s saying it was bad mental health and I’m feeling confused, angry but then also have huge guilt. -
Hi Percypigs,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting to share your experiences with us.
I’m so sorry to hear all that he’s put you through. What you’ve described is domestic abuse. There is no excuse for this kind of behaviour. What you’ve listed includes emotional abuse, coercive control, and physical abuse.
It’s very common for abusers to blame their behaviour on mental ill-health. While mental health conditions can be serious, they do not cause abuse. Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.
When a partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by the abusive partner. It is the abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behaviour. Even if your partner does have a mental illness, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner.
How you describe feeling is very normal. Your ex is blaming his mental health to make you feel guilty to try and get you to return so that he can have that power and control over you. You are not responsible for him and you deserve to be safe and free of abuse. You might find it helpful to reach out to your local domestic abuse service for some ongoing support. To learn more about domestic abuse and make sense of your experiences, you could look into the Freedom Programme.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
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