Is this abusive or normal marriage

[Buddy]

Hi all , I wanted to ask a question as I may be over thinking things.. I often feel that my husband speaks to me like a child .. and he will always say things which feel like a put down like “stop talking so loud” watch what you are saying in front of the kids etc etc ..
I know this sounds silly and maybe I am over sensitive but it does get me down and makes me feel stupid ..
I saw some photos on my phone when going through my phone earlier of an argument (detail removed by Moderator) ago we had and (detail removed by Moderator) was tipped upside down with everything g on it smashed glass etc on the floor plus a scram on my arm .. this made me feel sick popping up ..
in one of the pictures my daughter was in it helping me pick the mess up off the floor ..
is it possible to have ptsd through this behaviour as sometimes I think I am going mad x

[KIP.]

It’s extremely abusive and illegal and dangerous and what’s more worrying is that your daughter is learning that it’s okay to allow someone to abuse you then clean up after him. What he’s doing is child abuse. Children from abusive homes are far more likely to be abused as an adult. Do you have support from women’s aid?

[Buddy]

Hi kip .. I know the throwing of things is abuse but is the things he says abusive ? As I get this sharpness every day .. where as the throwing of things is sporadic !
I understand that the kids have been subjected to things they shouldn’t see , but they are so well rounded and confident..
I have spoken to woman’s aid over a period of a couple of weeks and talked through things .. I don’t seem to be any further forward though 😬

[Beautifulday]

Hi @buddy!
I was thinking of you! Yes my H taks down to me like a child too, sometimes it feels like he’s my father not a husband! The thing that annoys me most is when we used to go out for food and if I was full and couldn’t eat anymore he would say come on im sure you can finish that , I would ignore him and he’d glare at the food I had left, would keep on that it was a waste, usually it was just a tiny bit of food nothing huge , he would keep on and on until on thr end is either eat it and feel awfully sick sometimes even being sick, or ge would grab my plate abd finish it but still keep on how I waste things etc . Every single time we went out for food it happened.
He will also criticise ways ive loaded dishwasher proceed to give me a tutorial on how it should be done even though my way is the right way.

If I feel ill or have a headache instead of being caring and seeing if im OK he will say its because I don’t take vitamins and if I did I wouldn’t have headaches, or he would say im deficient in something then show no sympathy. I remember being awfully sick one night and he shouted for me to close the door as I was being too loud.

What you describe with the (detail removed by Moderator) is abuse its physical abuse, my H has sporadic moments like this too and on the behinnijg he was physical to me, he stopped being physical to me after a few years but he kept on being physical with objects etc. I believe definitely those who smash things throw things etc will always end up being physical to their partner or are capable of it.

How are things with you ? How are you doing? Have you been in touch with Wa anymore?

[Buddy]

Thanks for reply beautiful day ,
It must make you feel anxious about going out for food with him .. these men are insecure in themselves .. I know this and see things and I am so unhappy I do want to leave but struggling with the concept .. just think it will happen one day , I just need to stop putting pressure on myself !
He treats me like a child too , he is more like a father figure , it’s a bit strange tbh , in the begini g when we met I didn’t mind it , I was younger and thought it was him being protective but now I can see through it a bit .
He hates it when I make decisions on my own , he gets angry that I haven’t run it by him first .. I am old enough now to decide things in life 😬
I remember our situation being similar , I have no respect and not sure if I even live him anymore , maybe it’s just habit ..
I don’t want to have sex with him , and he doesn’t ask me for it either which is odd I feel for a man ( maybe I am wrong)
I look after myself I train etc I am told constantly by people I am attractive and he has been told in the past he is boxing above his weight 🤣 maybe that’s why he is such a idiot sometimes , like a chip on his shoulder 🤣
Hope you are ok ? and getting stronger ?
I am getting stronger but have days where I am low 😢

[Bettyboop]

It’s abuse. You’re children should not have to witness this and you deserve better. You know in your mind this is not right or you wouldn’t be here. It won’t improve so start making plans now to remove yourself and your children. Keep a journal of every incident. You’re already being strong and standing up for yourself. (detail removed by Moderator) bullies hate being confronted because they are ultimately weak which is why they do it and because they know they can get away with it. Be strong

[Buddy]

I know it is abusive and I don’t feel any respect or love for him anymore, it’s taken me (detail removed by moderator) of on and off him domineering and throwing things ..
I just can’t seem to make the final step .. I feel very lonely as going through this alone and can’t talk to him about anything as it’s like banging head against brick wall 😬
It all financial for me .. and the children where to live etc 😢
I feel very trapped which in turn makes me very anxious x

[Beautifulday]

@buddy I can completely relate! My H is (detail removed by moderator) older than me so when I met him I was quite young and like you thought his need for control and things was just down to him being older and wiser or so I thought! And now I’ve got older I know this isn’t the case hes just a controlling manipulative person.

I cam understand its harder for you to break free as there are children involved but you honestly can do it, it may seem impossible at the moment but keep doing what your doing, take each day as it comes, keep educating yourself etc and you will gradually feel stronger and stronger and One day you’ll just think enough is enough.

You deserve better we all do! And to be honest I don’t even want another man for a long long time, I just want to rediscover myself and spend time just me, being me, doing what I want. This is what I dream of everyday.

Sending you a nice big hug lovely xx

[KIP.]

Please get help from women’s aid. Your children being well rounded and confident may well be a mask they wear to cover the abuse. They may be suppressing fear and in denial like I was. Hiding this awful truth is very very harmful to mental health. Abuse and trauma leaves very little headspace for much else. Witnessing abuse should be frightening but maybe they’ve normalised it like I did. It’s a coping mechanism but distorts reality. By treating you like a child he’s trying to dominate you. The best way to destroy confidence is to dominate x

[Author]

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