Is this actual abuse or am I overthinking

[Firsttimedivorcee]

My OH and I split a few months back. We have 2 children together. Since splitting he has decided that a bid to work on things is by going to my family and tell them I’m a liar and a horrible person, to which my father has just said, then leave her. He has made a plethora of mistakes and keeps saying ‘it’s not my fault but I’ll take responsibility’ even when questioned about being nasty to me or hitting me.

I have left the home. Since then, there’s little things that I feel like he’s doing to get a reaction or to continue the mind games. For example, he sent me flowers but purposefully didn’t put a card in. I didn’t message to see if they were from him, the next day he messages and says ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’ making me check, still I gave no reaction.

Most recently he took the kids for a few days. I asked where they were going and he gave a nasty response and chose to not answer. When they came back, I went to collect and he said he wanted to talk and I should swallow my ego and come home for the sake of the kids next 15 or 20 years. The mere thought of spending the next 15 years made me feel sick.

we had put the house on sale and he took it off the market without telling me. I found out from the estate agent. Even though he saw me on the day, he didn’t tell me. Now he says it is my home and he wanted it to remain my home so I can come back, hence took it off sale?

it feels relentless. He’s always telling my eldest to tell me to come back. And how sad he is. But I’ve not reacted and then he starts crying.

I haven’t been to the local DA office but have decided this is the only path forward for me now. The kids are the breaking point for me. I need to make sure he doesn’t use them to manipulate the kids. My eldest has learning issues and it has taken all of my hard work and perseverance to get her where she is. She doesn’t need to be bought in to our issues.

[tryingtosleep]

Dear Firsttimedivorcee

Your ex sounds very manipulative and coercive. You sound like you are coping very well despite this. You also mention that he has physically abused you.

Some things that you write about remind me of how my ex behaved when he left.

My ex asked my dad to tell me not to leave him (my dad said – ‘she’s a xx year old woman – she can make her own mind up’).

He gave me a list of songs on a mini-disc player that he had recorded.

Mine was also suicidal and even called me at work when I didn’t reply to his messages.

Even though we have been split for X years now – he still frequently tells the kids that he doesn’t want a divorce and tells them how much he spent on a lawyer and recently that – this was the reason why he couldn’t afford to buy them the xmas presents that he had wanted to buy them. Often he has broken down on the phone to them. The other day he decided to discuss the divorce with the kids on the phone  – asking them if they agreed with him. I told the kids that he shouldn’t be discussing the divorce terms with them.

It sounds like you might need some legal support.

It’s all very tiring and I am looking forward to a time when things are easier – so good luck and I hope you manage to navigate an easier path than I have!

Just thought I’d mention – I happened to meet a friend of friend the other day who is also divorcing – she said that they agreed how much she’d pay him to buy him out and it’s all sorted. Plus agreements on who has the kids and when (without involving lawyers). This is surely how it should be when a relationship breaks down.

I’ve learnt to give as brief response as possible to his messages. And to try and avoid arguing when I see him (which can be hard as he is looking for a reaction).

I think you know that he is being abusive when your stomach is tied in knots at the thought of seeing him and when you feel physically sick around him.

If you do decide to engage a lawyer – they usually offer a 30 minute free session on the phone first. Also there are lots of facebook divorce websites out there that offer advice as well. – pm me if you need any support.

Good luck! xx

[Firsttimedivorcee]

Thank you so much!

I had left the house after he decided to shout that I’m a liar multiple times. I don’t know, I broke in that moment and had enough. He didn’t come after me. When I returned over a week later, I calmly told him that this was over and a divorce was the way forward. He said okay whilst crying. Vindictively he said he wanted the kids every (number removed by Moderator) days, which I said I would fight because the one thing all therapy has taught with the eldest is stability. I suggested a (detail removed by Moderator) schedule, he said no. The finances (removed by Moderator), I’m not sure where that offer went because I found him snooping through my financial documents and have seen messages from his family to take me for all I’m worth.

it is tough to a)understand that someone you loved so much is not the person you thought they were and b) understand that they are a nasty person. Similar to your situation, I think he’s keeping tally on what’s been going on so one day he can show to kids and tell them how I was ruthless, but for their sake, I need to leave this relationship now

[Author]

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