Is this another tactic

[Starmoon]

I’m such a fool… I know this is nothing compared to what everyone is going through but I’ve fallen for it all again…
He started seeing the kids, got the perfect house, even had the kids over night at last.. then started texting me as if we’re friends and because it’s been lockdown I fell for it all. He’s been to my house to see the children and I’ve seen him being this amazing dad… seen a taste of the family life that I’ve so desperately wanted and we slept together… that carried on for (detail removed by moderator)… he told me he loved me and wanted to start to seeing me, started making plans again… I didn’t have a minute to think about it really, only it was so much like the past. He was drinking daily and I kept saying I needed to know if he meant it when he was sober, filled me with all the charm. Then (detail removed by moderator) he said he meant what he said at the time but now he’s realised that he doesn’t have those feelings for me and that before we got back in touch he was In a really good place with no drink or drugs (detail removed by moderator)… I don’t take drugs and rarely drink but it feels like he’s laying that on me, as if we can’t be with each other without drinking.. it was me who said I didn’t want drink involved but only because he was doing it daily. I had a drink (detail removed by moderator) but it was my (detail removed by moderator) and that was it… he carried on most days.
I hated him always drinking and doing drugs in the past, I just wanted normality and a happy family but it just never happened, our relationship was toxic and he did some horrible things to me but I always still loved him. As was never enough for him and now it’s like he’s saying that now his life is perfect, he doesn’t want me dragging that down.. he’s even said we bring the worst out in each other. I guess that we did in the past but I had therapy and things to help me see it wasn’t my fault… only now it feels like it was

[KIP.]

He’s still the same liar and abuser he always was. He’s using you again. Hooking you back in. Having sex. What he has to offer is a lie but what you’re feeling is real. My advice is to block him again on everything before you’re even more hurt. Go to a third party for contact and stick to it this time. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. And I’d get an STI test whenever you can x do you really still love this abusive man or are you trauma bonded and in love with the good times you once had?

[Working Hands]

I had similar experiences before leaving my abuser: if he thought I was pulling away, he would try to show me what I would be missing, tell me how when my parents got older, we could care for them together, how he’d build a better life for us, suddenly being more considerate and less pushy in bed, etc. But this alternated with blaming me for not being there for him when things were tough (not true!), as if I was responsible for him being unable to face his long-standing financial and interpersonal issues. He would tell me my anxiety (mostly triggered by his behaviour) was hard to live with and his outbursts and drug use were a natural, healthy way of dealing with things and it was unfair for me to question them.

The behaviours might not seem like an exact parallel, but it’s the same thing really: “look how perfect I can be, it must be your fault when I’m not”.

It sounds like he’s unwilling to take responsibility for or change his own actions. If he can blame you, then he won’t have to accept responsibility. This is not your fault.

[Starmoon]

I just feel so c**p! I’ve never known if our relationship failed because I’m a nightmare.. I know he did some horrible things but there’s always been that thought that it was my fault. I feel like finally I’m a good version of myself and because I’ve always known I loved him, I really wanted the chance to see if it could work. He’s got a perfect home and life, he’s so handy and productive… all the things I know I’m not… but I’ve tried so so hard to be a better person. I said I didn’t want us to only be around each other when drink was involved because that’s what it was like in the past.. that I was wanted to see if we could really work without all the toxic influences… then suddenly he was telling me that he’s realised his feelings for me aren’t there, and that it was drink fuelled and that we bring the worst out in each other. I feel so vilified by that comment… I don’t need to drink to have fun, he was the one bringing alcohol around, he even said he’d been dealing drugs… could I really be the only thing that’s pushed him back to taking drugs again? (Detail removed by moderator) he left my house to go and do something related to drugs and I told him not to come back because I didn’t want that drama in my life, (detail removed by moderator) he said he was done with all of that and my gut was telling me he was lying… but then I saw him with the kids and started to fall for him again. He’s saying his life was on track before he started seeing me again and it’s made me feel so worthless, like I’m the one that always drags him down

[Starmoon]

Mostly I have more self belief now and think I deserve more than I had from him but in the past but I know I didn’t always deal with things in the right way… if I could look back at our relationship and confidently say that I was always mature and rational then I’d feel blameless.. but I wasn’t rational, I had many brake downs and begged him to stay promising I’d change. I never could change though! Now I feel like I have for the better… I’m not perfect, I don’t have everything together like he seems to have but I have been much happier. I knew I always loved him and thought there could be a chance this time

[Hazydayz]

🙂 Hello Starmoon ⭐🌙 Love your username! You ok? I’ve just read your posts here and just want to say…your human, you’ll hurt and that’s normal! It’s your right to feel and Your right to feel loved…by someone very special next time💕

[Starmoon]

I feel so deflated today. I loved him so much in the past

[Wants To Help]

Hi Starmoon,

Reading your posts it looks to me like your life was back on track before he came back in to it. Now he’s come back in to it you are doubting yourself again and believing everything that has failed in this relationship is down to you.

You have the right to be in a relationship that does not revolve around alcohol or drugs. If he wants that in his life, that is his choice, but he has no right to bring that in to your life.

You say you have done some work on yourself and now know you are not to blame. Continue with that belief, do not let him cloud your judgement.

You have given him that ‘one more chance’ and it has failed. This should be your proof that this relationship is doomed. Learn from that experience and know you just CAN’T give him any more chances. You say that you have fallen for it again, and you’re right. You have ‘fallen for it’. You have fallen for his lies and manipulation; simply put, HE HAS NOT CHANGED. He just wanted you to believe he had.

Try and get back to the place you were in before he manipulated his way back in again. You did it once before, now you know how this man works you can do it again.

[Author]

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