Is this control

[Buddy]

Hey all, Just want to ask a question about if this is power and control ..
we haven’t been intimate for a while and I said to him this morning , we haven’t been intimate for a while , he replied well Just let me know when you want it !
I am feeling very unwanted and replied why don’t you ever come on to me .. do you not look at me that way anymore ?
He then lost it and said stop over analysing , walked out the room and slammed the door .. then said you are wingy and Moany , do I want to have sexy with you right now .. no I don’t not with someone as wingy and moany as you .
I said well I have needs and there is nothing wrong with what I asked you , he said just stop over analysing and walked out the house ..
have I been unreasonable ?

[KIP.]

No what you said isn’t unreasonable but expecting an abuser to offer love and comfort and reassurance won’t happen. He saw your attempt at intimacy as you being vulnerable and he exploited it to make your feel c**p which is how they destroy our self confidence and self esteem. We all want to be wanted but his response was designed to hurt. That’s what makes him feel good. I bet he had a huge smile on his face as soon as his back was turned. Looking to an abuser for validation is a recipe for disaster x

[Buddy]

Thanks Kip , How weird he doesn’t want to be intimate though …most men like that side of the relationship right ?
I am currently working ridiculous hours to save for a deposit to get my own mortgage .. there is not much to rent the area I live in .. weirdly although he has done worse than this in the past , I feel like I have found my red line . To say such hurtful things to me in a normal question to ask your husband is nasty and extremely upsetting , why on earth do they want to be like this ?
What horrible people they are x

[KIP.]

It makes him feel good to belittle you and make you feel c**p. It’s about dominating you. They’re not wired like we are. They don’t want the same things from a relationship that we do. It just shows you how badly he wants to hurt you that he would turn down sex. My ex was the opposite. I said I didn’t want sex and he was brutal in his determination to have sex. Keep a secret diary. Here’s your first entry ‘i wanted to be intimate, to feel loved and wanted. I exposed myself as vulnerable and he made me feel awful. He took a lovely expression of love and left slamming the door’. Yes I bet he’s done worse but eventually it wears you down too much x look to yourself to grow and become stronger. He’s not interested in a loving sharing relationship, you deserve better. My ex was also having affairs x

[Buddy]

Thanks kip , it seems I am learning something new everyday about this man I married ..
I am stronger and better mentally than ever , I suddenly feel desperate to get out if only I could win some money in the lottery 😬
I honestly used to think him throwing stuff was temper and lack of control ..
but this nasty verbal side has always been there and I am noticing it more .
I don’t think the lack of intimacy is him having an affair as he is always around , either in work or at home , so can’t see Whalen he could be .. but will be more alert to this xx

[KIP.]

Think back to him throwing stuff and his ‘lack of control’. Do you think he would have acted that way in front of other people? He’s in perfect control as my advocacy worker used to say to me, how come he’s only losing his temper when there are no witnesses. It’s awful to have to accept that someone we love and we think loves us in return is actually abusing us so be very kind to yourself. Be wary of financial abuse to. Them making it impossible for us to leave by monitoring the money. Some women leave with the clothes on their back and nothing else. Hopefully it won’t come to that but I always managed to find an excuse not to leave. Because I was terrified to x

[Buddy]

I have been so upset all day .. looking at properties and just feeling low .
He has come home from work and said nothing to me at all ..
I hate him and I really want to be away from him .. such a horrible feeling .
Thank u for your advice .. I know nobody can do this for me x

[KIP.]

Hey sending you a big hug 🤗. I remember those days and how bad he made me feel. How I would alway be looking for him to make me feel better when he was the cause of my despair. I escaped and you can to. They suck the life and happiness from us x they are parasites

[Buddy]

He slept in a separate bed (detail removed by moderator) , all I have done is ask him why he doesn’t ask for sex !!
I feel lonely , shaky , hurt confused , is it me am I not doing enough in this relationship .. I am all over the place and just desperate to feel valued , loved and special ..
I am on anti depressants which are helping me but I am still not in a good place right now.
I ended up drinking too much (detail removed by moderator) and messaged my male friend who knows things but there is an attraction there , he has feelings but pushes me away as I am married and thinks I will never leave ..
I messaged him in my lonely despair whilst in bed saying
(Detail removed by moderator)
He has not seen the message yet and now I feel even more anxious as I sent this to him .. he must think I am pathetic ..
what is wrong with me ?

[gettingtired]

Hi @buddy, I can relate as I am still with my abusive partner but met someone I like through work although he has since left. I know we had a connection and he likes me too but we are both in relationships. However, we are still messaging (just normal chatty stuff not flirty). I think if he is a decent man he would not view you as pathetic at all as you are a victim of abuse. I honestly dream of being in a ‘normal’ relationship but I still love and care about my partner so much. Emotions all over the place x

[Beautifulday]

Hi @Buddy

You are doing enough in this relationship! Its him that’s the problem, im always doubting myself , is it me? Did I do or say something wrong? Etc etc I think any relationship where we dont feel valued dont feel respected is an abusive relationship especially as in your case he hits and throws things, there is no doubt that this is an abusive relationship and he will never change.
I honestly never saw a way out and actually still dont but I’ve made that first step to file for divorce he still doesn’t think im serious I know its going to be tough the next month or years, its going to be hard he will get worse no doubt but I’ve made that step thanks to the people on this forum and womens aid.

Ask yourself in a years time do you think it will be the same? In 10 years time will it be the same? I asked myself this and honestly it made me upset and down as I know nothing will change i will still be stuck in this same situation even more low, even more depressed. And wasting my life.

Only you can make the decision to stay or leave , it will be hard but you can do it!!

With regards to your male friend, its easy for me to say but I would try to keep him out of the picture for now, I know how you feel in that you feel lonely want to feel love but you are very vulnerable right now so you need to work on yourself, get strength and courage and get your plan ready. Make baby steps to get your freedom. You can do this lovely zx

[KIP.]

I was medicated for decades for a problem that was never mine to fix. The anti depressants were to treat the symptoms but never the cause. I slept walked through a life of abuse. You’re trauma bonded to him and he is punishing you further as a means of control. You feel lonely shaky hurt and confused which is exactly how he wants you to feel, he wants you to feel that he is your saviour and the only one who can make things better. When he feels you’re low enough he will hook you back in with his pathetic attempts at love and intimacy and You will accept that because you’re so desperate for his approval and validation and that’s the problem and round and round you go.

[Buddy]

Thanks beautiful day ,
You are so right in everything you say .
Something feels like it has snapped inside me maybe my red line is here .
I can’t stand the thought of being stuck in the situation for the next 10 years , it makes me feel depressed !
I think I have stayed as I am dependant on him , no so much financially , but he organises everything for us in life and feel that this is nice to take the pressure off me but it has also made me very dependant .
M
My male friend messaged me back saying ,  (detail removed by moderator).
Having that reply from him , along with all you ladies on here is certainly giving me strength
You are doing so well and I hope I continue to have your strength xx

[Buddy]

Thanks kip , I feel so emotional , everyone is being so kind in replying x

[KIP.]

I used to cry myself to sleep every single birthday when I was with him. It wasn’t till long after I left I realised I was overwhelmed by people being kind. Even when I left and strangers were nice to me I would cry. Our emotions are so messed up by abuse. You deserve so much more in life x

[Beautifulday]

@buddy
Honestly you deserve better than this.

I kept thinking and still do oh but we have a big home I will have to move then I think hang on so what! And actually the big home we have still needs renovating after years something he promised we would do but it still isn’t done I think we cling in to hope, cling on that maybe things will get better they don’t. Im trying to tell myself now its just bricks and mortar and I can go on to get a lovely place hopefully by myself to call my own and do whatever i want to it! He controls all the decor what gets done here.

I then think how will I cope, financially like you I’m independent which is good but I’ve been with him so long I feel lost and how will I cope again I try to tell myself that I will be ok, ill discover me again, I will be able to go wherever I want, do whatever i want and ill be from him.

We always think about the what ifs , what if this, what if that. You say he organises everything, im sure once you leave him you will discover yourself, you will be able to make your own decisions and become stronger as a person so don’t let that thinking deter you. Its just us as empaths though we constantly worry and think too far ahead. Im trying to stop myself doing this and focus on the here and now, taking one day at a time. I had an awful day today , had a panic attack out of the blue felt shaky and horrible all day BUT tommorow is a new day and I know I will get through this.

Do you have some sort of plan in your head? If you left him do you know where you would go? Would you go back with family or stay in your home? Do you jointly own the home? Sorry for all the questions just trying to help you a bit, sometimes we don’t 5hink of all these things but when you start slowly thinking of the practicalities bit by bit you are formulating some sort of plan.

[Buddy]

Hi gettingtired
I never used to look at another man as a potential partner , but I think that when you start looking and fantasising about relationships with other men u know things are not right in your marriage .
I was like you ., still loved him but honestly in time it fades away and you find yourself in a stronger position .. but it does take time .. I am loads stronger than I was .. I used to cry and beg him to stay when he grabbed his keys to leave in a “ normal marital argument “ now I don’t care .. u get numb somehow and things change and the worm turns ..
Hope you are ok ? X

[gettingtired]

Hi @buddy, no I never did either. In fact I always just thought he was my soul mate, the perfect partner and that I was so lucky because he is so affectionate, cherishes me, calls me (detail removed by moderator), has written me so many lovely messages and is down to earth, has similar interests/views etc etc.
I always used to cry, beg or panic when he would threaten to end things with me/hand our notice in for our private rental. (Detail removed by moderator). Then he demands why I want to stay and that we need to get on with our lives and go our separate ways. It’s only very recently that I’ve realised what’s happening I didnt cry or beg when he threatened us splitting up. But now he’s not had that reaction he knows I’m changing and is all anxious I want to leave him. Sooo draining/confusing!
I honestly dont know how I will ever stop loving/caring for him and the longer I stay the more I just feel I’m wasting my life. But I I cant bare to leave him!! 😥 x

[Buddy]

Hi Beautifulday .. Thank u for your reply ,
Sorry to hear you had a panic attack .. it’s awful , I have taken myself to A + E before now with chest pain and it’s all anxiety related .
It’s his name on the mortgage only but we are married so I am entitled right ?
I am currently trying to save for a deposit so I can get my own mortgage .. may take a while .. (detail removed by moderator) I can get him to help do it up to a decent standard , get furniture in there etc ., then move in myself 😬 sounds awful but this is the only plan I have at present 😢 xx

[KIP.]

Hi Buddy, talk to a solicitor about your rights. Most offer a free hAlf hour first session and you may be entitled to more than you think. It could make all the difference. Abusers are liars. I ended up with the marital home and a holiday home. My ex said I’d get nothing. And I believed him for years x if you can trick him into helping you buy somewhere then great but if it’s marital property he will have rights to it so speak to a solicitor first. Rights for Women have a free legal helpline x

[Beautifulday]

@buddy
Definitely get free advice from a solicitor before you do anything to know your rights.
If you are married regardless of whos name is on the mortgage whether its one person or both it is a joint marital asset, which means if he decides to stay in the home he will more than likely have to buy you out – the house will be valued and the equity split in half so he will have to pay you this amount. The court though will also look into things like who pays what etc, do you both pay equally towards bills and mortgage or does one person pay everything. In my home we both pay an equal amount into a house account. Also the court will look into the children and usually they don’t like to uproot children from their home so in lots of cases the mother will stay in the home and the father will go. In this case you may need to buy him out so you will need to go to a mortgage advisor who will look at your past 3 payslips to determine if you can keep the house alone and afford it alone , ive been to a mortgage advisor too as well as a solicitor.
Each case is different though and the courts will look at different things regarding if you have children, pensions, savings etc there will be a financial disclosure so they will look into the ins and outs of his bank accounts.

Honestly if you get advice from a solicitor you will feel so much better and in a stronger position and I honestly think its like a domino effect once you start the ball rolling things will happen for you

[Buddy]

Thank beautiful day , I will ring the solicitor tomorrow to get an appointment ..
I haven’t contributed to mortgage , bills etc as I haven’t worked much over the years as been looking after the children .. my money was extra money , for house stuff , diy , holidays etc .
I could never afford this house on my own i know that .. the mortgage is way to big .
I will take this step to get advice and yes , hopefully be a snow ball effect .. thank u very much xx

[Beautifulday]

@buddy

Brilliant!! Thry are usually doing appts over the phone now and mine is brilliant emailing me.

Write down what you want to know before you talk, explain the situation how long you been together, how long married etc , children.
Ask what your options are if you file for divorce they will normally tell you.

If you like the solicitor, I got on with mine straight away keep them there on standby like I did. Then once you want to file for divorce you just email them saying you wish to proceed.

I’m not saying you do that straight away if you don’t want to, but just speaking to a solicitor will make you much stronger as sometimes the abuser will say oh you’ll get nothing , you’ll not get a penny from me they brainwash us which makes us scared of leaving, once you know the facts it puts you in the stronger position. Do not tell him you are seeking legal advice at this point. Do it all on the quiet if you can xx

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