Is this emotional abuse

[Itsjustusnow]

I have been out of my relationship for (detail removed by moderator) now and I have started therapy. My therapist told me I had been emotionally abused but I struggle to see it. He never yelled at me but would call me silly is stupid if I needed any reassurance from him. He would often go quiet on me for hours at a time if we had an argument. He would do small sulks if he couldnt get his own way. He would say he was going to review the relationship a lot and whenever I asked him to help with anything he would say he had been working and was having a rest. Does anything of this sound like emotional abuse? Am confused

[Lisa]

Dear Itsjustusnow,

Emotional abuse and coercive control can be so subtle and difficult to recognise and so confusing, that confusion forms part of the abuse. It sounds like he used behaviours and said things that kept you on edge, made you anxious and made you blame yourself; all of which make up a pattern of abuse. If your therapist has heard more information and says it was emotional abuse I would believe them, a therapist wouldn’t say that lightly or if they weren’t sure.

I can see from your other posts that your ex left you, and from my experience this can often leave women doubting if it was abuse, because it doesn’t fit the common picture. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse, it can happen this way and it’s a way of an abusive person keeping some control. There is always a risk of him trying to return to your life so keep up your no contact.

Keep posting, talking, learning and hopefully you will begin to feel more clarity.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Ariadne]

Hi @Itsjustusnow,

It’s great that you have started therapy, especially with a professional that has helped you recognise and validate your experiences. Sometimes in these abusive situations we gaslight ourselves: we keep questioning if we’re right to feel this way, we minimise and say it wasn’t that bad, we think that we are overreacting. But your feelings are valid, and emotional abuse often is meant with that exact crazy-making in mind.
So keep talking about it, to your therapist or the rest of your support network, including here, and you can write about your situations as well so that you keep a record of what happened and you can reread them with more perspective. It can help some people.

Take care of yourself!

[Author]

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