Is this emotional abuse? Please help

[Merl32]

I am not sure if I am being emotionally abused. My partner is very intense and he swings from extreme flattery and affection, in his words he ‘worships’ me, and then if he’s triggered he goes in the complete opposite direction of angrily ranting at me about who I am as a person, he will call me horrible names with vehemence, he will belittle me, demean me, disrespect me, completely verbally detroy my character. He will rant about how he is ‘not better just different’ than other people, he has a total superiority complex and he will rant about how great he is and how pathetic others are (and me by implication) including talk of how much I’m gonna struggle out there if I don’t have him and how much of a shock I’m going to get when I realise how dismal other men are. When he gets angry and rants at me like this, this is a one directional thing. I do not rant at him, I do not call him names, I do not berate his character, I do often try and defend myself and sometimes do get worked up but I never treat him in the demeaning way he treats me, this is what I try to explain to him afterwards when he tells me it wasn’t a big deal and that we just had a bit if a fight. I explain that no, that was not a two directional thing where we both got angry and ‘said things we didn’t mean’,  he just aggressively berated my character whilst I sat there and cried. Sometimes he is so intense that I actually physically scream as he is berating me (he then just berates me further over the fact I just screamed). When I’m crying and holding my head in my hands he just gets more angry and more aggressive and more horrible, he just keeps going until he’s burnt himself out and then when he’s ready to have a nice time again, we have a nice time. And then tries to dismiss and minimise the whole thing saying we just had a fight and that it’s normal, and then will start ranting shaming couples who don’t fight as he has a way of manipulating everything he is doing as having the appearance of ‘the right thing to do’. This rage and complete battering of me psychologically comes from what I feel are the tiniest of things, like if I spill something in a minor way which is easy to clean up, if I take a little too long to get ready, not having the correct cooking etiquette when making food, if I am too heavy handed with my cutlery in a restaurant, if I close the car door too loudly, if I struggle to open the car boot quick enough, if I spend too long browsing a menu, if I accidentally hog the blanket in the night, if i take my Jumper off whilst out because I’m hot etc it feels like literally anything could set him off – and the frustration is never just with the situation, its always an aggressive and emotionally violent berating of who I am as a person.
A day or so later he’ll apologise profusely and cry and be upset and take ownership one moment and then with the next breath tell me that there’s just something so infuriating about me and that he’s never behaved like this with anyone else just with me.
He’ll jump from taking accountability to blaming me for being too soft and ruder words I can’t write spoken very aggressively. After apologising for being so horrible to me he’ll get irritated if I’m not immediately happy again and if I’m being too nonsexual now because I’m upset from how he’s treated me. He then talks about how hard it is for him to have to deal with my nonsexual moods after a big fight.
And then at other times he will genuinely fully take accountability and tell me it’s all on him and he’ll get vulnerable and upset and promise me that he will fix it and sort it out, and it is very sincere and genuine, and everything starts to look very promising…but then it happens again and the same cycle repeats over and over. I do believe he is trying to make changes but it’s just hard because I’m genuinely scared of him and I cannot relax when I’m around him.

The way he will so suddenly fly off the handle over things that before him I would never have expected to be a major source of problems for a couple, leaves me in this headspace where I feel so on edge. I’m constantly trying to monitor and regulate my behaviour for the way I am always guessing that he would want it, and constantly anticipating a sudden shift in his energy and an explosion. I’m stressed alot of the time because it’s always such unexpected things that make him blow up so I’m hyper aware.

He’s obsessed with the way he looks always catching his reflection in the mirror and windows so we can discuss how his muscles are looking today, but tells me I’m a n********t, and vain and self involved (when the only reason I would ever act slightly vain is because when we first met he completely bigged up my confidence and repeatedly told me that I should express how nice I think I look that I should own it and be proud of it, and then when I started doing what he advised he then started shaming me for it and calling me narcisstic and shallow). He’s also obsessed with looking at other girls, he self admittedly has a great passion for it and does it in front of me all the time and making comments about how attractive other girls are even though I have made it clear in the past on multiple occasions how much that hurts my feeling. This behaviour of his has really really affected my self confidence, my heart drops into my gut every time I see a girl I know he would drool over. But he does simultaneously drool over me as well, and can absolutely shower me in compliments about my physical appearance.
He has a big thing about my male colleagues telling me how I want them, how I lust after them, how I give off single girl vibes, how I have a wandering eye, how I’m infatuated with them, whenever I have to work with one of my male colleagues he makes my life an emotional hell and completely shames me when I have never flirted with any of these people and have never behaved inappropriately but he will make me feel like I’ve done something wrong and completely berate me. I also cannot choose staff allocations so it’s not up to me who I work with, my manager decides that, but every time he tries to subtly blame me saying that I’m just the kind of girl who attracts these scenarios.

On one hand he acts so supportive of me spending time with friends and family but then I feel like I have to limit my time with them otherwise he’ll kick off – its like he can play the role of the ‘perfect boyfriend’ until he gets triggered (which happens constantly). When arranging to hang out with female friends I ask him first whether it would work for me to hang out with this friend on a specific day, I have to get the green light from him first, but he never consults me when making plans with his friends. I have made a new female friend at work and we are going to hang out together, I need to run the date by him first but I’m genuinely scared to tell him I’ve made this new friend as he may see it as a threat and react badly. Having just sent him a text asking if it would work for me to hang out with this girl on a set date I am in pure fight or flight panic mode awaiting his response. Is this normal?
I feel completely paralysed like I’m not actually capable of leaving this relationship like there is some kind of invisible bond. Is this an abusive relationship? 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Yes. It’s a very, very abusive relationship. I almost can’t say any more because it took me back to my relationship, I could have written this.

Please tell me that you don’t have too many ties with this man ( shared house, children, pets, shared business) I hope with all my heart that you don’t and that you can get out of this without too much collateral damage.

Please leave.

[Merl32]

Thank you so much for replying. I get so confused because he’s doing the sane, calm, taking accountability part of the cycle right now and during these times I question everything and start to think – how could this be an abusive person?! I find it hard to stay clear headed, in the good times I can’t remember the bad, and in the bad times I can’t remember the good. He always swoops in with the good version at him just at the last minute before it gets fully clear that I need to walk away.

& luckily no I do not have any ties to him because I am quite young, no house, no kids, no marriage etc we don’t even live together currently. The only ties are like weird psychological manipulative dependency ones and me feeling paralysed and confused and also still stupidly too compassionate and sympathetic towards him

Thank you xxxx

[Indeepindance]

Merl32 I Totally agree with EventSerpentsShine, your post really triggered me but also helped me to remember why I left my ex who behaved in so many of the ways you’ve described. Thousands of cuts until you’re in deep pain all over, inside and out.  It’s devastating and so hard to leave because they are a huge presence the way that they are.

Out of interest have you ever said any of what you’ve realised to him? I’m not suggesting you do, just curious to how it went down, as I rarely was able to present anything as a clear, coherent complaint without feeling pathetic or it being labelled as toxic so I gave up then wished I’d told him everything. But I’m sure it would’ve been brushed off really.

I can sense your utter confusion but you are seeing things clearly, it’s not you, he is highly abusive and it’s no wonder you’re screaming.

I hope you make it out before this ruins you beyond repair, I appreciate how hard it is though, took me a few goes. Good luck and keep talking xxxxx

[Merl32]

Thank you so much for your response.

Yes I read somewhere that n**********c abuse is ‘death by a thousand cuts’ – I think that’s what I’m experiencing but it is utterly the most confusing and disorientating experience of my life because the manipulation is overwhelming. I think I’m starting to break out of the manipulation and he can sense it so he is on his best behaviour, he can tell that shaming and guilting and using fear won’t work to get what he wants so he’s being very vulnerable and playing on my heart strings and making all these promises about our future instead. I think he genuinely believes his stories, I don’t think he can see how manipulative he is but that doesn’t mean I should have to be subject to it. Still I am terrified of breaking his heart, I don’t want to crush him even though he didn’t care about if I was crushed when he was berating and bullying me.

I have been able to point certain things out to him, and he says he can see them and that he is becoming more self-aware and then he will get very vulnerable and cry and beg me to let him fix it etc He has been improving slightly but I still can’t relax properly and I’m still shaping myself to avoid him being triggered. I do believe he genuinely wants to better himself but he just gets so sucked into these weird manipulative and abusive patterns, he is promising that this is the last time and that things are going to be different now, but we’ve been in similar places before where he’s promised this. I’m just confused whether this is genuine change or just another form of lovebombing – what do you think?

 

Thank you x*x

[clippedwings]

He is keeping you from being yourself, and if you are young, keeping you from exploring freely what that might mean. You are trying to be kind and thoughtful, and rather than seeing that as a model for how to treat you in return the way someone who wants an equal relationship would, he is taking advantage of your willingness to give him second chances. Yes, as others have said this is abusive. It´s not just hurting you now; it can make it hard to relax in future relationships or even with yourself. The yelling is an easy thing to point to, but the coersion, long term, does so much damage, and it is so hard to recognize it is happening until you get some space to think. You write that you are “constantly trying to monitor and regulate… behaviour … and constantly anticipating a sudden shift in his energy and an explosion.” Like others here, I let this go on for years in my own relationship before recognizing it. Having to live like that is deeply traumatizing. You are brave to write it down and call it like you see it. If you can, don´t let yourself become isolated. Others can give you support and can help you remember what healthy relationship dynamics look like. In solidarity.

[Lisa]

Hi Merl32,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Happiness500]

Hi Merl32,

Wow you put into words exactly what I had been feeling for many many years, and I nearly lost myself totally. Please do not wait that long and run as soon as you can. The relief and pressure then goes and you will be able to breathe again, which is where I am just arriving now. Please take care of yourself. Sending hugs.

[Merl32]

Thank you so much for replying.

I was really alarmed when I started to realise how much I’d lost myself, I’m trying to find myself again now and I think he can sense it and it puts him on edge, he’s always talking about how I need to step up in the relationship and make him feel wanted. I think he can sense that I’m starting to choose myself.

I feel so unfree in all my decisions but I also feel paralysed and stuck in the relationship due to confusion and disorientation and fear of being without him but also fear of how he will behave if I leave him.

I am so happy for you that you have freed yourself from your situation and are able to breathe again 🙂 good for you, how did your relationship end?

 

Thank you xxxxx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

At the moment it seems that he is in quite a vulnerable position in that you don’t have serious ties to him (mortgage, children, pets, living away from your support system, or having given up work etc) There are probably others but I think children and housing are the biggest ties closely followed by pets and financial ties of all sorts. If he is behaving this appallingly even before he’s managed to trap you with any of these things, I would say that that would really really worry me. You may have heard from others that the abuse usually steps up considerably once you’re ‘trapped’ by any of these things. In my case I stayed for decades because of the nice (Mr Jeckyll), and didn’t realise until later that this is an illusion. I can only speak for myself, but I was very glad when I realized that he wasn’t a nice guy with a bad side, but rather a nasty guy with a nice side ( only when he wanted something or was feeling like I’d had enough though).
I wish I’d learned about this when I was younger and when I wasn’t caught up with mortgages and pets and so on. If you suspect that he is a n******t then you will know it’s incurable. Even abuse which isn’t caused by mental illness is a highly rigid personality style and change for the better is almost impossible. There are probably exceptions to prove the rule, but experts who work with offenders can’t all be wrong, and they say the chance of improvement is vanishingly small.

I would suggest the his ‘changes’ at the present time are not change, just manipulation.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps don’t beat yourself up about staying in the relationship until you’re ready to leave, (as long as there’s no violence).

This kind of person is almost impossible for us to comprehend. We try to apply our own values and logic to it, and conclude that he must just be acting out past pain and distress and if we can just show them they’re safe and loved  now, it will all be made better.

The truth for me, was that he just hollowed me out (like a vampire!) and got worse and worse. No amount of my love made any difference whatsoever.

Learn all you can about what’s happening, don’t fall for the future faking, it’s probably just about distracting you from your own direction and support.
I’m sure you’ll leave when you’re ready, hopefully with a valuable lesson to take forward into your future. Xx

[Stuckinturmoil]

I could’ve written 90% of your post myself. Apart from the fact, my husband never apologises or take accountability and isn’t very vain.  But he just pride himself on his intellect which is another version I believe.  I have been building up to getting rid of my husband for years.  I know how hard it can be living on eggshells.  I saw a great YouTube video the other day. I’m not sure if I can post the link but I will try

 

(link removed by Moderator)

 

 

 

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