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For many years now I have been in marriage where I haven’t felt loved and I too no longer feel love towards Him. For years He has put me down, ‘corrected’ and contradicted me alone and in front of others. He has split hairs when I’m talking in places that are so irrelevant and insignificant that I now constantly doubt myself and think twice before speaking, I even question my own opinions.
So powerful is this emotional control that even before I start speaking, I know I am going to be ‘wrong’ I want to speak out, I want to have a say in life, to have a point of view, but the years of mental control has made me believe I am ‘wrong’ even before I start to speak. I always anticipate being ‘corrected’ and my predictions never fail. So much so that I have become withdrawn, I think twice before engaging in conversation with him and others, and have become socially isolated because in the past when I did have a social life He would contradict me in front of others and I would feel embarrassed, hurt and belittled.
So in order to protect my feelings I now live in my own lonely world, all so that He can feel big about himself when in reality, He has a chip on his shoulder, lacking confidence and self-esteem. He’s way of dealing with His lack of self worth is to diminish mine, and it has worked because no matter how tall you try to stand, no matter how much you stick up for yourself, eventually they win, because as I write this I feel so worthless, undermined and invisible. I’m always second guessing what he is going to do, withholding information from me, always making me doubt myself and everything around me.
I don’t know what’s right from wrong, what’s a truth or a lie, reality from imagination anymore. I suppose this sums up gaslighting..
I feel so broken, so alone, so scared. Things were never better in the past, I just dealt better with it, or should I say turned a blind eye to His abuse because I was preoccupied with being a mum, but now my son has left home for University, things are really starting to hurt more and at times I wish I too could have left this place like my son has and be free..
The only time I feel worthy as a person is when my son comes over, it’s lovely to just talk about everyday things without being ‘corrected’, that’s the only time I feel as though I exist. But if he is here during those occasions, He ruins those few precious moments, and it has now kind of become an unspoken rule that my son comes here when he isn’t at home. Being at home with just Him deprived of a conversation, deprived of love and respect really hurts. I suppose this is what happens when you stay in a marriage where the only thing keeping you together is your child, when the child is no longer there what have you got left?
Everyday I wake up hoping today will be a better day, a day where I can speak, where I can have a say in matters that effect my life too, where I can feel loved and wanted, a day where I can just simply exist, but that day never comes..
I have gone from being a confident happy person to someone I no longer recognise anymore. My wishes are ignored, my views are worthless and always ‘wrong’, everything is always my fault and I am ‘sick in the head’ as He calls it.
I am blamed for everything bad in life and never get credit or recognition for any of my achievements. He even blamed me for Him getting Covid (detail removed by Moderator) and as usual when I prove my point with evidence, instead of apologising and taking responsibility for His actions, He will just walk away or divert the subject and start talking nonsense. There’s no rhyme or reasoning with an abusive person, you can put the facts in front of them, show them the text messages of what you said, you can record things on your phone of what they said, nothing will sway them, they will always find a way to justify themselves.
I have come to the conclusion that the only thing I will prove by trying to reason with an idiot like him is that I am a bigger idiot than him for trying to reason with Him in the first place.
Over the years He has robbed me of feelings of love, of joy, of laughter. He has stolen my self-esteem, my self-worth, even my sanity. I’m fed up with feeling this way, I feel so trapped and alone. I dread waking up in the mornings. Why would someone be so cruel, why would you destroy someone else’s life because you yourself have issues you won’t even admit let alone deal with?
When someone makes you reach the point of losing your faith in life and everything in it, when you start doubting yourself and reality, when you forget how to laugh and miss that feeling of being wanted, you know you are living with someone you no longer like let alone love, you know it’s time to move on, but if only it was that easy, I would have done so many years ago..
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I just wanna grab you and give you a big hug.
I feel youtlr pain I really do. I have a husband the same mine also uses sex as a weapon doesnt like me working going out having any life away from him. He is angey and controlling and like yours not a nice guy. I never saw I too was too busy being a mum covid for me opened my eyes yet still now i find it hard to believe to accept. The way you describe what you are going through the knowledge the understanding is increadable you have a huge knkwledge of what he is doing and this will carry you foward.
The lonliness the worthlessness you feel i feel too and i know many of us do too. But know what sweetie you are not alone we are here alongside you. The best thing I ever did was to talk to someone I have PT who noticed things and eventually I started to talk now that was (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and i now see a specialist counsellor too and im still here in this marriage still suffering and struggling each of our journeys are different but the thing im rather badly trying to say is that you need to talk to someone.
Someone you trust. Nope its not easy it may take time I still havent admitted everything its to hard but I took that step.
This life is so hard so b****y hard you cant and shouldnt have to face it alone there are people out there there is hope out there but you have to find the strength that bravery that gets you up every day find that dig deep and take another brave step and talk to someone.
I often talk about a wall due to a s****y past i have built up a wall and until i knock it down I cant ever think about moving on getting away but with small taps i remove a brick or two some days the bad days a brick gets put back but other days i knock em down and they stay down brick by brick little by little I will eventually remove that wall then I hope to see a pathway out.
Youve started by talking to us that was brave really brave your first brick out now to keep chipping away sweetie till you see that pathway out.
Stay in touch and stay safe x*x -
I could have written this word for word about my own life. It felt like he was always looking for a way to criticise me, to prove me wrong so he could be right, for life to always be black and white, right or wrong. You could never agree to disagree.
I’ve been criticised for doing washing, not doing washing, using the wrong (detail removed by Moderator), doing too much, not doing enough. None of it should result in the verbal abuse I got for it and I spent years confused and trying to explain myself over and over.
He never could see the atmosphere he created affected us all. We all hid away from him unless we knew that it was a ‘good’ day.
When he wasn’t there, the kids and I behaved differently.
I knew, like you, that a lot of his behaviour was because he hS such low self esteem he needs to boost himself by putting me down and recreating reality into a story where he is the victim. The world is always against him. He never takes responsibility for anything he does. He bullies and created an environment of intimidation. The occasional physical restraint to hint at what could happen.
I didn’t really understand its all a choice he makes till I started reading posts on here. It gave me the awareness and courage to say no more. I do not have to live like this. I did not want to be trapped with him any longer.
I didn’t plan it but I knew in my soul a day would come when I would choose me.
I’m on the verge of selling the house and bring free. It’s not been easy or quick. But I have had no doubts at all.
The time was right. He’d had all the chances over many many years to treat me differently and he always reverted back to cruel. That is not how you treat someone you love.
Just take your time and find your way. Keep posting or coming on here. x-
“created an environment of intimidation”
Yes.
It was just that.
It was “everything will be fine as long as no-one crosses me”.
Leaving him was standing up to him. Remaining no contact is standing up to him. Refusing to take his BS as we navigate this never-ending divorce is standing up to him.
“That is not how you treat someone you love”
I sometimes likened myself to a dog. I was shown love and affection when he was in the right frame of mind, but on his terms and his timing. When it didn’t suit him, a dog would be expected to retreat to its bed and stay there until it was bidden.
I wasn’t allowed an opinion, to express my needs or my wants, and if I did, I would be met with cruelty and derision.
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My Goodness, you have all been so eloquent on this thread, you have described so well what it’s like.
@roadtohealing it was so exactly the same for me. Everything you describe was how it was for me. By the time my youngest was leaving home my anxiety levels went through the roof as I just didn’t know how I was going to carry on living. Like you, I had lost all capacity even to have a conversation with friends.
I left. It was massive. It was terrifying. But I realised that my kids were going to stop coming home. It’s one thing when they have term-times, it’s the sort of default position. But as they grow they have more choice. And I couldn’t bear the thought that my husband’s behaviour was going to keep me apart from my kids. That was my main impetus. That and thinking… it could be another 30 years of this… maybe more… I’d rather die, frankly.
I’m still trying to recover. From the trauma. From the stigma. I went no contact, completely. To outsiders this looks incredibly cruel but I know that it was the only way.
I had a lot of support when I left – I reached out in every direction. Recently I have had to reach out again as my mental health has plummeted. But I haven’t, for one moment since I left, regretted it. I have agonised, soul searched, gone over and over the what-if’s, but I haven’t regretted it. I feel so sad sometimes for what I think I’ve lost, but then I realise that I’m sad for what I never had. That happy family life.
Please feel free if you would like to DM me. x*x -
@roadtohealing, another eloquently written post I can really relate to. You have summed it up perfectly. There is so much I could list it would run to several pages. But I don’t have the energy to talk about it anymore.
“I now live in my own lonely world.”
“Things were never better in the past, I just dealt better with it.”Yes, this.
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Hi Roadtohealing
My heart goes out to you as your life how you lay it out above, is a complete reflection of my own. I understand fully of how you feel, very alone, unloved and completely lost. I cannot have my family over and like yourself, they will just pop in when they need, preferably when he is never around. I wish I could say to you that things will improve, but I think we both know that we are in denial and probably have been so for a very long time. I am hoping to find the strength to start the process of getting out, but I’ve been trying to do that for so very long, that I don’t know if I ever will. They manage to pull every piece of strength you have out of you. I spend my days in bed as I struggle to even want to go downstairs where he is. Admittedly I have medical problems, and that’s his way of ensuring I stay upstairs, saying how much better off I’ll be (pretending to care). I just stay upstairs because I can’t bear being around him any more. Unfortunately I don’t think any of us know the reasons for why these people behave the way they do, and I used to think he would change, but deep down we are just their pawns in their games. I do hope you manage to find a way out (if that’s what you are wanting). I send you much love during this terrible time and I hope you gain some strength to come to a decision as to what you can do if you really want to. It’s scary, I know, as I keep thinking I’m going to manage to, and then I never do. One day though…maybe? All the best x*x
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