Is this just a diff of opinions….

[Ilikechicken]

What is financial abuse?

My partner works and earns a good wage I have worked on and off part time but always ended up worse off financially. He pays all house bills and I pay get about £500 a month that I have to buy everything to do with kids, pays my personal car bills etc. He says he has (detail removed by moderator) spare a month but I can’t figure out why he doesn’t have £700-800 spare a month. I am guilted for having cheap haircuts every few months or cheap/ second hand clothes but he can do what he wants with his money. He doesn’t buy anything for kids as that’s seen as my job, he resents spending money on me at xmas and bday. He stopped using our joint account when I went onto maternity and has refused for years to use it so I cna see mortgage and bills get paid and u how much we earn. He has asked to see how much benefits I get in my bank even tho I have told him. He only sends me money to my bank when he wants me to pick things up for him. Am I being oversensitive? A woman from social perscribing described my partner as emotional and financially abusive.. I’m struggling to see what is and isn’t normal within our relationship.

[puzzledatlife]

Money is a very important matter in a relationship. The fact that you feel in this position is all that matters. I don’t know what is in his mind. Maybe he is insecure. Maybe that’s how it worked in his family. Maybe he intentionally want to exercise power over you. Until we ask what it is that others are doing I don’t think we can have an answer. What matters however is that you feel disempowered, controlled, limited, not trusted. I think within a partnership it should be possible to address these things and work as a team.
Have you said to him that you don’t feel you are working as a team on this issue and you would like things to be different? Maybe it’s also helpful to shift the question from “what is this? Abuse or insensitivity or upbringing or ….” to “what is it that would make it ok for me?” Would it help if you went back having the joint account? If you shared the kids expenses? If you put in a joint account say 70 % of your relative earnings and kept the 30 private? Presumably if you work less this means you work more in the house. Would you like him to recognise this and maybe want to put some figures as how much your family overall saves over childcare and house help costs? (When my son was small it costed me some 800 pounds a month nursery. As he was older but I worked full time it would cost 600 to pay for someone to pick up from school and stay with him till in aame home from work). A childcarer will be around 8 9 pound an h and a cleaner around 10. So that’s perhaps a conversation to be had, starting not with his shortcoming but with your needs?

[Ilikechicken]

I do feel it is about self protection and control. I feel he hides money he is ok to spend on nice designer clothes but if I did the same I wud have digs or jokes about being selfish or a bad mom. I wud be happy with the joint account and splitting the extra money but he refuses, says I’m just f****d in the head cos my parents blah blah. His dad has all the money and gives his mother an allowance, I wud say the dad is controlling but their children (including my partner) think the parents have a great relationship and the dad does seem to get the siblings to do what ever he wants by buying them things… So maybe this is just my partners idea of normal. I am grateful for ur rely. I am. Trying to work through things in my head after my meeting with social perscribing and I’m worrying I am selfish and my expectations are to high. Wow £800 a month that’s crazy, I’m a sahm and feel I am always used as a skivvy and made to feel bad, he works and pays all bill for me to stay home with the kids, but it is always. Trump card I’m alwaus have no valid point cos he works, he shouldn’t have to do anything cos he works.

[puzzledatlife]

Expecting to sort out a financial arrangement that feel satisfactory respectful and fair is not selfish!!
I know this is often a problem in relationship. When there is a financial imbalance sometimes it is a big strain on a relationship and whether partners are able to make that work is a good rest of a relationship. Very rarely two people earn the same and give the same contribution to childcare and house work. My sister is in the same position and though she does work when she buys something for herself with her own money she ends up feeling bad because he pays the bills and she pays for her own stuff. With my last partner I earned more and I was scared he was with me for financial support. Though he paid parts of the bills I had to manage his finances as he was really bad at it and he ended up feeling resentful and controlled. It is a big test and I understand. That’s not to say he is not at fault. I think is very hard for men to understand how hard and draining it is to look after the house and the kids and how it feels giving up your opportunities in life and your gratification outside of the house.
Therefore put any guilt on the side and focus on what it would make it better for you and then see if he can come towards you. Perhaps you could leave the kids with a friend and make time for a one to one chat over a coffee with him? I guess small steps towards you may make a big difference right now given how disheartened you feel. Xx good luck xx

[puzzledatlife]

Ps I also think it is hard for men to understand that if you work at home, the needs for your fulfilment also come mainly from home, from him and the kids. If someone has a career outside the home it is stressful because you feel you can’t let go and all is on yoir shoulder (I feel that because i am the sole supporter of my son). You feel you can never truly relax. However you have a life outside. Your workplace is where you do a good job, your clients are satisfied and that gives you a positive experience. You get a compliment and this keeps you going. You get your pay and that keeps you going. If you work at home you’re just assumed to do this and that. Seldom someome shows you how great what you have done is. How great you have made home for everyone. I think understanding this is not straightforward. Some guys needs that to be explained to them because they won’t understand it, they haven’t experience it most likely.
I really hope you both can find a way forward. x

[Twisted Sister]

Dear Ilikechicken

He’s guilting you for spending your money on essentials! He refuses to contribute towards the children, because they’re ‘you’re responsibility?! How bizarre. Sounds very controlling and abusive.

The kids were always make responsibility too. He would never buy gifts for them or even little treats and clothes. If their things needed clearing away and I was exhausted too bad they’re not his things so I had to clear away.

If he’s not prepared to talk to you about this an an arrangement be agreed, but shut you down instead, that’s abuse.
Just because you are a sahm doesn’t mean you are responsible for all meals and all the housework. Your job is looking after and doing stuff with your children. When they’re little and older we would b out most of the time, or doing activites indoors, painting and creating. It’s all costly and takes a lot clearing away! Plus food preps an cleaning, washing and so on.

It supposed to be a partnership! Yours nöt so much at all!

Warmest wishes ts

[Twisted Sister]

It shouldn’t change from if you were out working all day! If he lived alone he would have to keep it all clean himself and feed himself and wash his own clothes. Your not his maid.

[Tiffany]

My abuser wouldn’t tell me exactly how much he warned either. Enough to take taxis to work everyday instead of getting up in time for the bus, but not enough to stop him “borrowing” money from me when the joint account way low. We put the same amount into the joint account each month, but I think he probably had over £500 left after that, and I had £120. Yet I was giving him money, not the other way around. I didn’t even suspect financial abuse until his sister phoned asking if we were ok for money, because he had been borrowing money from her saying it was for me. He had used the same lie on me, borrowing money saying it was for her. I had just been putting it down to cultural and family differences to do with managing money. I realise now that I should have paid more attention to my deep unease to do with his money management, and the fact that he scrutinised my bank account, but I was never allowed to see his. Your story reminded me strongly if my experience. Don’t discount gut feelings.

I am with a new, non abusive guy now. We are no where near moving in together, but I know how much he earns, and the rough state of his savings. And not because I asked, just because he has nothing to hide. For me, now, not knowing how much a partner earns would be a red flag for abuse once I was considering living with them. And being unable to discuss and come to a compromise which we were happy with on family spending would to me now be a clear sign of abuse. I know that there are families out there who don’t discuss money much, and so long as both parties are happy with that that is fine. But if they aren’t I would definitely be worried.

[Ilikechicken]

Thank u for the advice. I have become aware over the last few months he is emotionally abusive but hadn’t considered financial abuse. I’m trying to get my head around why he won’t budge or compromise. Ive only asked for the hulls and mortgage to be paid from the joint the rest he can keep. He doesnt spend money on the kids ever or buy them gifts or toys I have to do Xmas and bdays, he only contributed to my sons bday this year cos I asked. He is very stubborn I find it hard to tell the difference between him being stubborn and unreasonable. I have been asking for more viability of finances for about four years and he refuses.

[Tiffany]

I would say this is definitely unreasonable. I am sure he can tell himself that he is reasonable. My ex believed firmly that the universe in some way owed him more money than he earned and I was right there to fill that gap. I am sure that your husband also believes that he deserves the money he keeps and that you are unreasonable to expect him to give you more because he already gives you £X a month and you should in his mind manage on that so he can keep his personal wealth and have the nice things he deserves. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse. He’s keeping your available cash just high enough that you can scrape the bills and no one will suspect that your kids are neglected, but not enough that you could save up to leave… He might not even admit to himself that that is what he is doing. But it is. Also, no loving and caring partner would even consider not contributing to their own kids birthday present, or having lots of nice new things for themselves while their partners were impoverished and having to wear old clothes and clothes from charity shops because they couldn’t afford anything else. It just isn’t right.

[freedomtochoose]

This is not just a difference of opinions. It is financial abuse.

I would be very, very careful with this one.

The facts are you are married to this guy. You have kids together.

There is absolutely nothing to stop him taking control of all the money you have and giving you access to nothing at all. That would mean that even if you wanted to leave him with your kids you would have absolutely nothing to do it with.

It happens, believe me I know.

I would

a) stash money away anywhere you can for your own use only and don’t tell him about it.
b) prepare to divorce him – you will be better off with the kids on your own…financially, emotionally and every other which way in the long run…

all best
ftc
x

[Ilikechicken]

He only gives me (Detail removed by Moderator) a month for food shop I have to pay the other (Detail removed by Moderator). I have worked pt (Detail removed by Moderator)but wud have to go 2-3 days on an hours sleep as I had my kids all day and worked all night till (Detail removed by Moderator)… The money was still spent by him asking me to buy him greggs and asked to pay for family days out (don’t know if that was intentional I maybe reading into it) I am not married to him which I thjnk is a gd thing, but I can’t get anything together now cos of all his family bdays and Xmas… I wanted to leave in the new year but have no idea how I cud get the deposit as all my money is tied up in the mortgage. X

[Lisa]

Hi Ilikechicken,

You are doing the right thing by finding out all of your options. Safety is priority so I would urge you not to speak to your partner about your plans or your concerns while you are still living together as this can put you and your children at risk. If you haven’t already then please contact the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline (0808 2000 247) or your local support group via this link. The helpline and support groups can discuss your options based on your circumstances and help you put together a safety plan.

Keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Tiffany]

Do not wait for a “good time” to leave. There is never a good time. Contact women’s aid. Find out where you stand legally. It sounds like you might well be better off on benefits than you are with him. Consider going into a refuge while you get things together.

[Author]

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