Is this like what they term ‘gaslighting’?

[Hopingforpeace]

Examples of how he communicates with me when he wants something and i have said not possible sorry.

You have to understand that…..
You can’t just say…….
As you know ‘A’ must see me during…..
I reminded you by ….
Unfortunately…..you will have to…….
I can’t understand why you would not think …..
You perfectly well know that I….
You should be…..
I shouldn’t have to give you … notice…..
You know what I….
Come on, thats a….
How strange…..
Just more excuses….
You just can’t be trusted….
You have already wasted enough time….
‘A’ told me….
I don’t know what your on about.
It’s all in your head
I never agreed to anything

[Cecile]

Yup,in my experience. I have identical things said to me. It’s also one of the few times that he addresses me by my first name to emphasise the sincerity of his utterances.
Also:

1.Well, that’s typical of you isn’t it, Cecile. (Not my real name b.t.w)

2. Pathetic.

3. You always say that, Cecile.

4. Oh for gods sake.

5. Because that’s what you do, Cecile, isn’t it. (This one always in a nasal whine for some reason)

6. Because that’s what people do.

7. That’s what folk do.

8. Why can’t you be like other people and save? (The last 3 here are when he wants to rant at me about money. Used to get up in my face with bared teeth, screaming at me but these three sentences were always said to me. When I asked for examples of these other people he went blank).

I still feel a sick knot in my stomach when I remember these and when I read yours because they were always precedents to aggressive outbursts by him. Following me from room to room, slamming doors, shoving and poking me as he launched diatribes on my stupidity with money.
He has stopped the physical stuff but still uses these phrases, especially if I am unwell. It is so bizarre the way these men are all so identical in their behaviours. I did start a tactic of saying “ok you can stop that right now” to him. He would pause and say “what?” And I would say “you know exactly what I mean, stop it”. This actually worked a few times.

Thanks for your post it was quite comforting to read that someone else experiences this.

[Hopingforpeace]

Cecile, thank you for your post. I hear you, I have had similar to what you have, said to me too. I totally know what you mean about calling you by your name too, mine did that and changed tone of his voice. He still does it in messages and verbally.

I get other things like ‘I really don’t know what to say to you’ yet he carries on saying quite a lot! ‘It’s a joke…, you really have messed up…, I don’t know whether to believe you..I’m at the end of my tether with all your lies and excuses…, ‘it’s all about what you want’….
‘I didn’t say that… and things like telling me he can do such and such so I sort that and then he says he can’t do it and wants such and such which I’ve said isn’t possible and on and on…

It’s exhausting isn’t it and still they make you doubt yourself at times no matter how strong you are.

[Cecile]

Oh my word I have had all those as well. Also,

You must be out of your tiny mind
You pathetic little woman
You have got to be joking

I grew seedlings last year and he offered to plant them all. I didn’t have much choice as he finds ways to prevent me doing gardening so agreed. He planted them and one by one they all grew a bit then got broken or died mysteriously or disappeared. About fifty odd plants. I saw some growing in a neighbours garden. He swore blind he could not understand why they did not grow. Everything else thrived and people remarked on how good our soil is.
His usual response when I challenge on stuff like this is to say “don’t be so stupid Cecile”.

I get that “it’s all about you, isn’t it Cecile” as well. Really stops me in my tracks. It’s all so skewed but this is how we lose our sense of self, constantly having a chaotic image reflected back as to who we are and what we are. A skewed and distorted image. Because the things they say are so similar they must draw inspiration from society and culture rather than a personal knowledge of each of us. Perhaps being derogatory and emotionally abusive to women is part of the background societal presentation of women that young males absorb as the truth. Then when they grow up and want to be violent to women and can’t, they fall back on what they think is acceptable as a means to control us.

[Hopingforpeace]

Oh yes the you’ve got to be joking. And the ‘i was only joking’ , then when you say something ‘can’t you take a joke’ then ‘you think too much’ and other times ‘you’ve been thinking’ laughing and ‘you shouldn’t think it’s bad for you’ ‘you get yourself in a state’

Telling you one version of a story then when you mention it, denying it and telling another version. when it’s clear something is true yet they totally deny it and accuse you of being suspicious and thinking badly of them
Making promises then not keeping them and denying they said it
Making decisions that affect you both without asking you and expecting you to go along with it
Pretending to listen to your thoughts/choice then going on and on and twisting things til you feel guilty and feel you have to do what he says
Telling you it’s your fault yet you know it can’t be yet they call you names and give you silent treatment and twist things till you believe them

Yet they think that there is nothing wrong in what they say or do and it’s all you.

[Cecile]

Your experience is so similar to mine. These men are clones.
I have had all of the above also.

[Hopingforpeace]

Thank you for sharing. I have been doubting myself recently so to hear that it has been very similar for you is really helpful.

[Dragon]

Mine says ‘I didn’t mean it like that, you always make me out to be bad, always jump to the worst conclusion of me’ basically giving him care blanche to treat me however he likes, because it isn’t how his words or actions have made me feel, it’s how he meant it that matters.

He also calls me poisonous. This is a new one. Basically when I get angry because of something he has done and refused to apologise for, I am poisonous.

He also blatently tells me I have lost the plot ot am mad.

Lovely aren’t they!? X*x

[Wibbles]

Mine would say I shouldn’t be so sensitive, it was just a joke. Other times we’d make plans to meet somewhere or at a certain time and he would ‘appear’ to struggle to find me then say I wasn’t where we agreed or it was the wrong time. For years I thought I’d made a mistake, my eyes are open now!

[Cecile]

I get accused of losing the plot all the time. That’s a lot of lost plots! I wonder where they end up!

[Cecile]

Yes I have had “you must be out of your tiny mind” “why can’t you take a joke”
And more….ferocious temper when driving if he could not find a direction….
Took me years to realise this wasn’t my fault… it’s terrifying to be a passenger with babies in the rear seat and a maniac screaming at you that you can’t read a map….I saw him hit his mother once years ago when he had her in the passenger seat, map reading for him. He slammed his hand on her knee where she had the map. Afterwards denied this, said he was just trying to get the map. “Don’t be so stupid…stop trying to create a drama…stop slagging off my mum”!

[Ilikechicken]

He is being coercive for sure I think. Using wording like ‘you can not’ and reinforcing boundaries of what is or isnt allowed by his standard. ‘You will have to’… these are not words that are normally used in a discussions that are a two way conversation, they are more demands.

[Cecile]

That’s very insightful. These posts have been really helpful for me and I hope they help others as well. They help clarify what is happening and how the evidence piles up and how it affects us. Thanks to everyone who has posted here!

[Author]

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