Is this manipulative ?

[sunshineLollypops]

Stuggle with red flags, and up until recently really happy in my new relationship.  (timeframe removed by Moderator) we were talking and he said if I ever leave him he’s going to kill himslef as he can’t live without me.  Spoke about it (timeframe removed by Moderator) and he said he was down, he didn’t mean it and he wouldn’t say it again.

Got me thinking of some of the other things that worry me; but he’s not angry just expresses that he can’t think straight untill I text him.

if I don’t text he gets really worried, despite knowing I’m at work and can’t always reply right away.

He can’t sleep until I text him goodnight.

he needs constant reassurance that I’m not interested in anyone else but him, and I’m only his.

is this normal behaviour?

I end up checking my phone all the time because I don’t want to worry him and sometimes I’ll say I’m home in bed when I’m not , just so I know he will sleep.

[Cherries]

I dont think its normal, no.

You’re already checking your phone constantly to make sure you’re meeting his needs. This must be causing anxiety.

The suicide threats if you leave him…HUGE red flag. Huge. Already that will have you wary of breaking things off.

This is controlling behaviour. If he knows you’re at work he should be really letting you work…not everyone can access their phone at work without risking their job.

I would not be comfortable with this if it were me. I feel slightly suffocated just reading it.

Mine rarely got angry too. He was a guilt tripper type. It really messed with my head. He just needs my support and understanding and boy did I feel like the worst person in the world for having boundaries. Saying no…broke his heart. Its a heavy responsibility.  I sometimes wish he was angry. Its more honest I feel. Less smoke and mirrors.

Have you ever tried to say no to him and what was his reaction?

[sunshineLollypops]

I don’t think i have said no – i just end up lieing saying im home not to worry when im not! Its not like im out partying, but to avoid the constant stream of messages its easier, and I know he has to get up ridiculously early for work ao i want him to sleep and not worry.   Its hard to tell what’s just concern and whats control.

The other comments took me by surprise but it wasn’t said as a threat which I don’t know is more worrying or not !

 

 

[Hawthorn]

Hi Sunshine,

To answer your question; yes. This is highly manipulative behaviour. He is making you feel responsible for him; whether he sleeps, if he feels anxious etc. You are not responsible for this. He is. If he is a genuine person, and not abusive, he should be seeking professional help for this. It is not normal behaviour to expect this level of “reassurance” from a partner. How much of your headspace is taken up with thinking about him? Reassuring him. Constantly being being on call.

You have a life to live, a job to do etc. He is monitoring you continuously by the sounds of things. That is very controlling. The suicide threat is a huge red flag- and a terrifying thing to say to someone. Again not the behaviour of an emotionally healthy person.

It’s important that you know that you cannot help him with any of this. If, and that’s a huge If, he could change, he requires intensive professional input and support. It is not your job to compress yourself into a shape to make him happy. That happiness must come from within himself or not at all.

I think you know this feels wrong and that’s why you’ve posted here. Trust your gut. This is wrong. I wish you the very best of luck x

[Hawthorn]

I’d suggest you have a read of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its available for free online. Should be required reading in schools- would have saved me many wasted years!

[Author]

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