Is this my fault ?

[Misssy123]

I am a survivor of domestic abuse from my father & ex partner . My father also took my mums life . Growing up was nothing amshort of an absolute nightmare (detail removed by moderator) parents alcoholics .. my (detail removed by moderator) brother a heroin addict . I survived by having g a baby at (detail removed by moderator) and moved out . I learned to drive . I went back to school and built a career but throughout life I’ve always suffered depression . I also got rid of both my children’s father when he left me for dead after one too many beatings . Fast forward (detail removed by moderator) I have just finished with a guy I have known (detail removed by moderator)  but hadn’t seen him (detail removed by moderator) . He had always asked me out so finally I agreed . At the first stage of our relationship I had just had major surgery n was very ill and then developed secondary injuries on top of this and this guy was by my side for the (detail removed by moderator) of our relationship which I was so grateful . (Detail removed by moderator) he decided to cheer me up by buying me some gifts and it was awkward but I thought oh ok thank you . There was a problem with delivery and I waited (detail removed by moderator) and they still didn’t arrive do on the (detail removed by moderator) I left for (detail removed by moderator) to (detail removed by moderator) & they arrived low & behold ! Couldn’t believe it .. because I left the house the parcel company went away & my partner went ballistic .. screamed all sorts of names at me n blocked me on all contact ! I was literally stunned that I drove to see if he was actually ok in the head ! I couldn’t understand it .. he’s a very well mannered guy .. very good job a (detail removed by moderator).. but when we row he blocks me .. unblocks me .. sends hate mail then blocks so I can’t answer .. he helped me out with some money also which I swore I’d never take from a man but he was adamant and so yes I accepted .. he brings this up at every row and it’s making me feel so ill in my head I hate myself for it and he says he did this for me .. he did that for me & calls me an u grateful c**t .. he doesn’t like the word no and I like to speak my mind he doesn’t like it .. recently he has started lifting his hand .. he’s threatened me and is very threatening with his behaviour too and says my surgery n mental health issues are all too blame for his behaviour yes he’s actually said this .. he’s grabbed and pushed me also .. he says this was my fault too ! I run my own business very successful and my kids are grown up and I’d never tell them this as my partner looks like an angel .. his temper is wild n he just snaps and he’s scaring me lately .. he told me (detail removed by moderator) in my place of business that I was lucky I was in there it there’d be murder ! Because I told him he should have consulted me on something he spoke for us both on and he didn’t like it and frightened me .. his mannerism changed and he lowered his voice so ppl would t hear him and said your lucky your in here .. I shook from head to toe .. this is just a few of many situations he’s brought us to but my question is and please be honest is this madness half my fault because I was depressed ? I left my family home years and years ago to make sure my sons didn’t grow up the way I did so now this is surfacing with another fella after I got so strong how come I was weak and stuck this for (detail removed by moderator)?!! I’m so angry at myself for being weak ! Please can someone make some sense of this

 

 

 

 

[KIP.]

Abuse thrives on secrecy so you need to open up to family and friends. This man is dangerous and maybe you have been so used to this kind of dysfunctional behaviour that it feels normal to you but it is no way acceptable. It’s illegal, it’s threatening and it will destroy your mental health. All the red flags are there. Have you have counselling? Speak to your local women’s aid. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. It will open your eyes. He sounds like a typical abuser. His occupation has nothing to do with his abuse. Abusers come from all sorts of jobs. You need to break it off safely. It’s the most dangerous time when ending an abusive relationship but absolutely none of his behaviour is your fault. He chooses to behave this way. He is responsible for his behaviour and he won’t change. It doesn’t matter what you do, he will simply change the goal posts and keep abusing you.

[Misssy123]

Thank you kip . I finished with him on (detail removed by moderator) because f how his threat made me feel and I simply cannot go back to those days I have come to far . I have a counsellor in women’s aid but I spoke to her before about him and then I took him back because still I thought it must be me because he has done and does so much for me and I’d very attentive etc and so I was embarrassed to go back to her again . We both spok of how it’s only going to get worse and I knew it .. I felt it but yet I went back because I felt not only was it my fault but that I owed him something .. he had told me to go wrap myself around a (detail removed by moderator) with my car and die and that’s actually how (detail removed by moderator)  and I just froze I couldn’t even speak while he kicked n punched at my car for running away from him .. I then thought my god he needs help but I now know that’s not my place .. I thought it would have been hard leaving but in actual fact I’m really ok . Thank you for listening xx

 

[KIP.]

Women on average return seven times to an abuser before finally breaking free so it would totally make sense that you took him back and women’s aid understand this so don’t stop that from preventing you from contacting them again. They totally understand.

[Agapantha]

My Misssy 123, thanks for sharing your story. I have felt some of that feeling of is it my fault.

I have been reading some books on cults because I felt like being in an abusive relationship was just like being in a cult. It is your behaviour that is constantly being judged, by someone who places themselves in the role of knowing whats best for you. You start to fear that spotlight on your behaviour, you know that a judgement will come. You are kept in this anticipation and its traps you and stops you from thinking straight. You start hearing the abuse in advance in your head.

It starts to feel off about the person, wrong, but Most reasonable people like to give others the benefit of the doubt, especially of they have also been kind, but if you find yourself constantly living in the benefit of the doubt, well what does that tell you, balance of probability he is as bad as you suspect. The head that has caused this, that is messed up is the head that doesn’t do compassion or ever give you the benifit of the doubt. Listen to what your inner wisdom and protectress is telling you , not his voice that he has got you to internalise so that you feel you might be to blame. That is not your voice.

This confusion about who the person really is and why and if it is your fault traps you. Who was the first person who suggested you where to blame, who is the person who is interested in being under the spotlight looking for things to blame on you? How much has this established a feeling that you might be to blame. Might this feeling really belong to him not you.

From where I see It, it is as obvious as it can be that it is not your fault and you are very very sane to question what he has told you about yourself. Whatever your mental health/health challenges have been, Mental health challenges should result in empathy anyway not blame. This is what a normal caring compassionate person feels.
Can you let go of trying to work it out and make sense of it and him? It really doesn’t get you anywhere. I am trying to, like you. And I mostly succeed except when I don;t. Especially in the middle of the night.

Its like a brain fug comes down and I am stuck in a feeling and feeling trapped and this is the first place where I have been able to talk freely. I tried women’s aid too and didn’t persevere. But I wish I had.

It is not your responsibility to help him. You have the right not to meet his needs. You have a right to decide what you need and stick to that.That is the right of every single human being. Decide your boundaries and if someone steps over them its a red flag. he dosnt decide.. you do.

It helped me to learn this phrase.I appreciate that….bla bla bla ( you want you feel) however I have decided to do this….. with no explanation as no explanation is necessary and if he is like my ex he will dispute your reasoning to draw you back in. Broken record repeat the above in a boring tone until he gets it.

I am thinking of you.

[Misssy123]

Ah ladies thank you all so much it all makes so much sense ! I appreciate every word and I’m so glad I have in here to be heard and to learn . I will go back to my counsellor she’s an amazing lady & I felt so comfortable around her but was a little embarrassed but I know now I shouldn’t be . Thanks ladies xxxxx

[Author]

Posts