Is this normal ** years in…

[Hiphop]

Hello- it has taken a lot of strength to reach out to this forum.
I have been in a (time frame removed by moderator) relationship with my husband. Married for (time frame removed by moderator) Two children (girls) (ages removed by moderator)
Since Covid things has become difficult for a number of reasons. For one I feel like I finally woke up to the lies and deceit and I can’t shake it off, and I am struggling with the way my husband speaks to me and our children.

Name calling such as ‘pathetic’, ‘arrogant’ ‘childish’ ‘sad’ ‘need to grow up’ are just a few of the daily phrases to used. I’ve also been told to ‘know my place’.
My husband will often ‘tantrum’ and march off from me in public, slam breaks on his car, slam doors, throw the odd thing at home in temper (detail removed by moderator) can’t relax etc

As time has gone on I discovered our finances weren’t adding up. We have a mortgage, husband has a very good salary etc but I noticed large transactions being moved from joint account to different accounts. When I asked him what was happening he replied ‘what has it got to do with me’ and ‘who am I talking to’

This developed and he now doesn’t have his wages paid into the joint account that we’ve (time frame removed by moderator) My wages still go into the joint account. When I brought up our financial situation (timeframe removed by Moderator) he told me I was being mean and nasty and ended up sleeping on the sofa in temper. I asked (timeframe removed by Moderator) if we could discuss and he tried to avoid by saying he was tired. Anyway, long story short he did say he stopped having his wages paid into the account ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’. This has upset me as my intent isn’t to check up on him but I want to be equally responsible for our outgoings.

It has made me question my whole relationship as I now feel that I will never be seen as equal to him. Is this normal? I do work but part time and I am always there for the children 24/7 so support him with his amazing career and work that takes him all over the country.
On paper we are comfortable, nice house, nice cars, beautiful girls but I feel desperately lonely and now wonder if there is anything left fighting for.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is this normal?

What did you do?

Thank you for reading and for other time in advance xx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I found the time when I couldn’t hide from the truth any longer, as you have talked about, when you just can’t ‘unsee’ things you’ve seen, and get some of the doubts out of your head was such a very painful time and I really feel for you.

Do you feel that these problems were in the relationship from fairly early on or do you feel that it’s been a recent development?
I know the emotional journey is by far the most important for you at the moment but just to slip into practical mode. What happens to your joint money is very much your business as you are married and you are supporting his ability to succeed in his career, and bringing up his children. It sounds like he’s away quite a lot and I would advise you, if you can, to talk about these things with a solicitor who specializes in domestic abuse. He doesn’t have to know you’ve done this, in fact probably best he doesn’t know, give the address of a trusted person for any correspondence etc. But I think you need to find out where this money is being moved to at this stage.
It’s important to start this long before ‘the last minute’ as you won’t have any chance of finding it if you separate. Not saying that you will, but it doesn’t hurt to prepare for the worst case scenario.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Sorry to harp on about the practical stuff but do you feel that you have freedom to contact people and talk freely? Do you have a phone or computer which is completely secure?
and where any messages you may send or receive won’t be read by anyone else ie him?

[Hiphop]

Hello, Thank you for reaching out to me. I have joined this group after originally joining a live chat with women’s aid. It’s really strange because I class myself as easy going, homely and I don’t like conflict. Things have just become so bad since I challenged the original bank issue. It For a long time I’ve probably been blind to it in terms of bringing up the children, always been at home, looked after the house, worked part time. But I have started to question things and now I don’t even know if this is even love. How can it be? We should have so much money but never seem to plan for things like holidays or decorating. I’m not a material person but I do wonder why we can’t book things based on our monthly income which is more than the average. We don’t struggle etc and that’s what makes it worse because for me I worry how I would manage on my own. I worry that I’m overthinking it and I should ‘just be happy’ and ‘grateful’ for the life he’s provided. But I know that it’s a joint partnership and we have both provided in different ways. I am a hard worker and would love nothing more than to work full time etc but his job prevents me from doing that as he often stays away with work or claims he can’t help with school runs (even when at home working on laptop) Finances aside, I worry about the language and behaviour my children witness. The name calling etc. I now wonder if I should have packed my bags years ago or whether there is something we can work through. How are you finding life now? Do you have regrets the? I’m sorry you’ve been through similar.

The saddest thing is I just want to feel loved in a way that is natural. Be able to have a laugh and relax. We can’t even have a conversation at a pub without him being stroppy etc. I have realised his personality is so difficult and others notice it too. I almost mask it and make a joke of things when he talks to me in an inappropriate way.

If I say something he doesn’t agree with he walks off from me in the street etc. I now wonder what true happiness is and (time frame removed by moderator) later feel like I’ve got it all wrong in terms of picking my forever partner. I worry about what life will be like when my children are older and no longer live at home.

I don’t know what the answer is but i need to find out fast! Thanks again xx

 

(detail removed by moderator)

Days inbetween he can be as nice as anything and then wonders why I show no affection etc in the way that you would expect. I think how can i when I’ve been called every name under the sun.

Anyway I just thought I’d add this so you can get a clearer picture of what I’m dealing with. Both of our children are girls and our relationship has been ** years.

[NotYourMaid]

@Hiphop

The finances part reminds me of my husband. He doesn’t insult me, but he tells me to not worry about it. That it’s not a problem. That everything is ok. And that he has it figured out.

Now… I realize that I’m in a financially abusive relationship. He has money to go out drinking, I don’t have money to buy food or other essentials, that I now consider luxuries (but again, are actually essentials, like enough winter clothes, over the counter medicine, etc).

You absolutely MUST hide money. Trust me! Hide it where he can NEVER find it! He must never know!

You’re husband sounds the same as mine. He didn’t want me to know anything about our finances, like you I also just wanted things to be handled equally as a partnership. And even though I didn’t work I still wanted to know about our finances and I wanted us to figure things out together. And I told him so. Many times. Obviously nothing came of it.

Trust me, you must do everything you can to 1) save money 2) keep money hidden in cash 3) get a separate bank account

You don’t want to end up like me! It’s extremely difficult to escape a financially abusive situation. Because escaping any kind of abuse usually involves needing money to do so. Please, keep yourself safe!

[Hiphop]

Thank you for your reply. It’s so sad to read that you have been through similar. I must admit, it isn’t something that I would ever have to be dealing with.
When we first bought our house we had a joint bank account and everything went into that account and came out of it. It’s always been this way until around (number removed by Moderator) years ago when I downloaded the app after I realised the paper statements were never accessible. When I did find one I was going to use it as proof of address for something and he took it off me and said let me take that I will find you another one…. So alarm bells start ringing. On the app I could then see that large sums were going from one account to another and to accounts I didn’t recognise. I worked full time until the birth of first child, then part time and after the second had (number removed by Moderator) years off work. I look back now and think my husband must’ve been in his element, able to succeed at work and not have any worry with children etc. Since that time I have struggled to return to a role I’m happy in as everything revolves around the children for me. When I ask if husband is available to help with the children he will say ‘(quote removed by Moderator)’, when he is at home he spends most of it in the office so I’m still running round ragid in a morning sorting everything before I can get to work. I feel like it’s such an arrogance and I would love nothing more than to have the children’s dad present in there routines.

(detail removed by moderator)

I would be able to save money but it would mean taking it out of our joint account and he would see my transactions. Currently, the money o do earn, on payday my husband sends it straight back to my own old account but I try and insist on contributing to house. I find it very odd.

 

[Hiphop]

Thank you so much for taking time to reply and offer me support.
i have spent most of today processing the reality of the situation i am in and have definitely shed many tears!
(timeframe removed by Moderator) some major news on his part (huge rewards coming our way) I know this as i was the first to collect the post so admittedly did open as I have had suspicions etc.

anyway, I’ve waited all day for the news to be shared with me and sadly it hasn’t. All evidence has been removed and no mention at all.
So now I am at the point of no return. I have given myself til Saturday to process and to give him chance to share the news so we can make plans etc on the back of it .

I honestly can’t see this ending well now. I feel like all trust will be gone.
We have been together for so long it’s just heartbreaking.

I will take a look at the you tube clips. Thank you and i hope life is treating you well now xx

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Sorry to hear that things are so upsetting. I do hope that you can gather together all the evidence you need of where money is being moved to. A line in the sand needs to be drawn and that needs a solicitor, or someone in authority. Maybe a bank manager could be a place to start if a solicitor is too daunting! But I really think that you need a solicitor to be able to draw a line  at today ( and hopefully back into the past too) but that’s why it’s so important that it’s as soon as possible, and that line says that you are not agreeing to how the joint money is being dealt with. It is all joint money . Don’t feel bullied by him into underplaying your role in the success of this marriage/ joint venture. He’s reaping the rewards of your support. Anyway it doesn’t actually matter whether you support him or not, you’re joint assets are legally exactly that. Listen to Not Your Maid’s comments, she knows about this from experience. If you ossicle can ( I know it’s not easy!) try and keep your cool and get as much done as possible before he knows anything about it.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

A solicitor who deals with domestic abuse.

ps meant to write possible not ossicle!

[Hiphop]

Yes I am trying to find as much as possible but because he has different accounts I can’t access most.
it is so upsetting. I question what the hell I’ve been doing for all these years but know I’ve just tried to do right by my children. I have probably put it with it due to fear and shame of breaking up a family/ marriage. Would you put up with what I’m saying? Do people manage to work through this sort of thing or does it sound too far gone to repair ( based on his behaviours and secrecy?)

I think for him he’s probably thought I’d never leave or question things because he is the main bread winner and I wouldn’t manage on my own.

I am also questioning what the definition of love is in a marriage. It can’t be this! xx

[Hiphop]

Also, I forgot to say when I mentioned the significant news I stumbled across via post (timeframe removed by Moderator). The monies amounts to over (amount removed by Moderator) which he has failed to tell me about.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Gosh, you know, I just don’t know whether marriages can work through this kind of thing, I can only speak for myself and say that I too stayed for as long, or longer than you. I too had a lovely life and found (and am finding) it  very difficult and painful to walk away from that.
I stayed far too long. I made far too many ‘excuses’ for what was happening. I blamed myself. I thought “maybe this is normal” for years. In the end I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t justify the me I had become with the me I knew I was before.
I saw myself as an older woman, being treated like this, and I was flooded with pity and compassion for that person. It wasn’t the younger me that I felt sorry for, (although I do now!), but the older me.
You have every right to know what’s going on with your shared assets, please trust me when I say that this is normal and reasonable to expect openness and sharing about this. If you’re not getting that you should expect an explanation.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

PS. Shortly after I left, I experienced something ( someone asking for help on my behalf) I won’t share details as it may identify me. But, I was completely flooded and overwhelmed by a feeling. I was very familiar with this feeling and had been living with it every day for a very long time. I’d never put a name to it until that day. It was shame.

 

[Hiphop]

Thank you for replying and for the support within this group. It makes me realise I am not alone and I have every right to question what is happening within our marriage.

 

i suppose because it’s been this way for so long, it’s the fear of the unknown that hits you. When told to be forever grateful for the life he’s provided it’s almost laughable when I think about it.

I cannot thank you all enough for taking the time to message and support me 😊 xx

[Sad and alone]

Just wanted to send sympathies and say hope you’re okay. Such a lot of your points are the same for me.
I’ve been in the relationship for so long. I’ve done what I was told reference work which was basically working around him and his job. Eventually I didn’t work at all. No kids but was told I had to look after the dog as he had to earn the money and any job I had would pay peanuts in comparison. I’m not restricted about spending as such but I am conscious of what I buy as he will say things like it’s all his hard work that’s got us where we are, down to commenting on me eating or drinking something that’s been bought with money he provides.
Like you many people would look at my life and swap in an instant. Another point he raises all the time. He does things for me but then says he’s never appreciated.
I get no affection from him, pretty much every day he’ll make a derogatory comment about something, and then the next moment he’ll be saying how we don’t have sex and I’m frigid. Like you I struggle to put that together. How someone can call you names and criticise but then still think you’re going to give yourself over to them.
I have tried many times to think to myself I’m really going to try, make an effort, put things behind me. He’ll say I never have but I know I have. The trouble is he will always be the same.

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