Is this the right place?

[Diamondshine]

Hi everyone,

I have registered here because it said the forum was for survivors of abuse but is it just domestic abuse? I’m worried I may be in the wrong place?

I realised this week that an incident with my then boyfriend that happened (detail removed by Moderator) years ago and I thought was consensual, was apparently sexual assault. I’ve buried it for (detail removed by Moderator) years. As a result it feels like it just happened. I’m freaking out, I’m having very physical flashbacks, as though he’s with me. But it’s not really domestic abuse is it?

I was just hoping to talk with abuse survivors because I’m struggling to make sense of it all but I don’t want to be in the wrong place.

[maddog]

You’re in the right place, Diamondshine. So many people bury bad things. It took me decades to report a rape. I know the man has sexually assaulted other women and probably raped some of them as well.

It may help to speak to Rape Crisis. So many of us hang onto Rape Myths. Rape and sexual assault are often part of an abusive cycle. There were probably other behaviours and red flags. Please keep on posting here.

I thought that flashbacks were well, flashy. They’re really not. I’ve found myself stuck in a wretched loop for far too long now.

You probably have a local ISVA service in your area and a Rape Crisis centre and a local Women’s Aid. All these organisations do slightly different things. There’s no time limit for reporting a sexual offence to the police. Your local police may have a separate Domestic Abuse service on 101.

When we’re raped or sexually assaulted, it’s absolutely not our fault. The perpetrator will do the same to someone else, on and on, either until they’re stopped or they’re dead. So often we normalise the behaviour unless it fits with our idea of what rape/sexual assault means (usually back to rape myths). It’s very rare that a reported rape will reach the courts. I don’t want to stand in court as a witness and feel as though it’s me who’s on trial.

If you chose to report to police, speak to other agencies first and go through what happened. There are national helplines which are open 24/7.

You are not alone. We bury stuff and forget, then something triggers a memory. Please don’t undermine your experience. There are lots of people in real life to listen, and of course the Samaritans. Keep posting here as well.

[Diamondshine]

Thanks for the reassurance maddog.

Yes I totally buried it. I thought it was consensual and then realised this week that it really wasn’t. It’s gradually coming back to me in dribs and drabs and although it wasn’t rape, I froze and was unable to say or do anything as he…assaulted me. It’s like it only happened this week and I’m not reacting well, the flashbacks are horrendous. It’s like he’s there, sat across me… and I can’t breathe.

I have spoken to some people in real life, including my husband, and everyone is being lovely but I don’t feel like they quite understand the pain and shame. My husband is being so understanding even though I know he’s finding it hard seeing me struggling.

I haven’t reported it to the police. Firstly I guess because I haven’t considered it severe enough. Because it wasn’t rape. I didn’t want it but it wasn’t full on rape. So I don’t feel like it counts. And also, it occurred in a certain city (I lived a short train ride away at the time), and now I live somewhere else about (detail removed by Moderator) miles away. So my local police isn’t the police relevant to where it happened. Most importantly…I can’t remember his surname. He was originally from overseas so there’s a possibility that he doesn’t live in this country any more. I really don’t know if I could go through all the details with the police!!

I don’t know if he’d do it (or have done it) again. I think he thought it was just normal, I’m not certain he noticed my (lack of) reaction but a friend told me he must have and just not cared.

Thank you for having me on the forum

[maddog]

It’s really worth speaking to the professionals. Rape Crisis/ Women’s Aid/ ISVA service will listen to you and help you articulate what happened. All these organisations offer support services to help you make sense of what happened. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t your fault. In the moment, we take these things on board, excuse them, blame ourselves, hold the guilt and the shame. It’s a difficult thing to accept.

Don’t worry about reporting to police. One day you may choose, or not to do so. In the meantime, remember that none of this is your fault, and there’s lots of help and support out there, and here as well. Keep posting!

[Diamondshine]

Thanks maddog.

I’m trying to get help. I have contacted local services but the waiting list is 8 months!! I’ve spoken to the Rape Crisis online helpline but maybe need to see if they can recommend any services that might be able to provide help sooner!!

Yep, I’m having difficulty letting go of all of it…the blame, the shame, the responsibility for leaving etc. I’m hoping it will improve.

[maddog]

Victim Support may be able to help. Mind may have something going on as well. It’s a bit of a minefield. Keep going and remember that the Samaritans are always there. The first steps are the hardest .

[Diamondshine]

I’ll look into that too. Thank you xx

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