Is this what healing feels like?

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Since having my daughter with my ex almost (removed by moderator) years ago I never wanted anymore kids. Trying to be a parent and raise a baby in an abusive relationship with no support no help and surviving of anxiety and adrenaline is not how I ever imagined having my first baby. My ex told me I was being dramatic when I went into labour. It was only when I started screaming through the physical pain that he took me seriously. He would refuse to do night feeds, said he was too tired. If by some miracle he did agree to do one he would always wake me up too. I have never felt tiredness like it, it physically hurt. He wouldn’t ever feed her, hold her, wind her. Do anything with her. I got a really bad cold one day and just wanted the day in bed to rest, he said tough he was going out with his friends. I wasn’t allowed to wake him up in the mornings or I’d get screamed at. All of this and more combined with probably a touch of PND and basically being a single mum yet in a relationship made the thought of having g any more kids enough to give me nightmares. I’m not joking, I would physically have nightmares that I was pregnant again.
But after being apart from him, I slowly felt myself thinking about what it would be like to have more children with someone who was kind and helpful. As time has gone on I have found myself deciding that in the future I want more children. Maybe even two more. As long as I can remember growing up I always wanted 2/3 kids but after having my daughter I accepted that I was “one and done” but now, I’m feeling differently. Is this what healing feels like?

[Hawthorn]

I think it might be. I feel similarly, I had always thought I wanted lots of children before I met my abuser. But then I kept putting it off and off…I never had children with him which made it more straight forward to leave but now I’m out I’m starting to feel broody in a way I never did while I was with him. I’m not sure it’s on the cards for me now, I was with him for so long that I’m now at an age where maybe motherhood is not something that will be a part of my story.

And that’s a bit sad, but I’ve coped with worse. And a childless life is better than a life with him ever could be.

I think rediscovering the dreams and hopes you had before you met him is definitely a sign of healing. Sorry for going on about myself there.

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Don’t apologise! It helps to hear other people’s experiences. I hope you get your happily ever after whether it’s with children or without 🙂 ❤️

[gettingtired]

Hi, I think this sounds like an improvement to me.
I certainly don’t blame you for not wanting any more children with how completely unhelpful he was. So it sounds like you convinced yourself one was enough because having more than one with him would be even harder work alone so it wasn’t worth it! It’s like another example of our wishes or desires being trampled on because we just accept that it will never happen with an abuser or won’t be worth the pain.
I don’t have any children but in my opinion it honestly sounds like being a single parent would in fact be easier than trying to lone parent whilst with an abuser.
I’ve actually had many nightmares in the past that I was pregnant. The panic of it and me just freaking out in the dream of what I’m going to do as he won’t support me. Reading that you’ve had similar dreams has only just got me thinking maybe that was me subconsciously aware of how bad having a child with him would be?! Who knows!
Sorry not sure if my comment has been all that helpful but I just thought I’d say, yes I think it sounds like an improvement because it’s like you’re in a roundabout way thinking of what you’d like for you and your future. Rather than always putting his needs first which is what sadly happens in these abusive relationships. X*x

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Yep. This! When I would have the nightmares about being pregnant the only thing I could think of in my dream was “how could I of let this happen?!” I’d wake up horrified thinking it could be some sort of sign that I was actually pregnant in real life. I sound mean when I say that but I couldn’t of had another child with him, knowing who he was and what he was capable of. I had (detail removed by moderator) which made it very painful to walk, he would get angry with me for walking slow and make me walk faster even though he knew it hurt me. Yes you’re right it is a million times better to be a single parent than to parent with an abuser. X

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