It almost feels too good to be true..

[gettingtired]

I’ve been out for a few months now and I’ve not had any desire to go back (something I never, ever thought would happen). My physical and mental health has never been better, I was continuously exhausted and headachey whilst with my ex. I now realise just how much of a drain he was on me!
The police had to get involved in the end (I always knew it would come to that) but he appears to have backed off now so hopefully it stays that way. I do still feel nervous about potentially bumping into him one day (we don’t live that close but if I went to certain areas it could always be a possibility) so I find I’m still avoiding certain places.

The only thing that bugs me a bit is that a big factor in me being able to move on is because I met someone else. This person is someone I’ve known for a few years and we’ve both always liked one another so it feels like it’s been a long time coming. He came back into my life towards the end of things with my ex and it really did give me that push to finally leave.
The good thing is he couldn’t be any more different from my ex; he’s respectful, reliable, honest, considerate, caring and just generally a lovely person. I just can’t help but worry deep down that maybe it’s all too good to be true! I guess that’s an insecurity after living in constant disappointment and misery for years with my ex. I used to genuinely believe that I didn’t deserve to be with a ‘nice guy’.
I can’t help but feel a bit ashamed to admit that another man is what helped me get out though. Originally I had it in mind that I would stay single for at least a year and just focus on myself but life hasn’t worked out that way. We are taking things very slowly which he’s more than happy to do. I think if he wasn’t then that would be a red flag for me anyway.
I don’t feel like I can make things official with him for fear of being judged by other people, like I’ve just jumped from one man to the next when it really isn’t like that. I was unbearably unhappy with my ex for years, living with fear and anxiety. I guess I need to stop caring about what others think so much.
Has anyone else ever had a similar experience from leaving an abusive relationship? I know we are often warned that we are vulnerable to falling prey to another abuser but I’m wondering how many people managed to meet someone nice after.

One thing I know for sure is that without this forum I’d probably still be trapped with my ex, confused by all of his nice/nasty behaviour. I can’t thank the ladies on here enough for their support x

[Thisisthestart]

Hi there!

I’m so pleased for you!! Well done on getting away.
I just wanted to say I understand where you’re coming from with the new relationship. I also met someone else quite soon after I left my abusive partner, it wasn’t something I planned but it just happened and we really hit it off! I know everyone says you shouldn’t rush into anything but sometimes it happens.. I felt like I’d wasted (detail removed by Moderator) years of my life with my ex and here was my chance at happiness so I took it! So far so good.
It is very hard to not overthink or be hyper vigilant but unless he actually shows some behaviours that you don’t like then I would just enjoy being happy with someone who treats you properly!! You know what to look for now and hopefully you’d feel more confident about dealing with any issues that do arise.
Good luck and wishing you all the happiness you deserve! X*x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Gettingtired

May be time for a name-change as you are now full of energy! Well done for how far you have come,and despite how easy it can be to fall headlong into another relationship, your only way to know is to take time, time to really get to know this new guy. Enjoy yourself, sure, but you also now know what to look out for, the red flags, and how you are left feeling about the way he speaks, or treats you. You could also spend some time just kicking up your heels and enjoying this so long searched for freedom! Enjoy your new relationship, and enjoy the other freedoms you have that are also so precious.

warmest wishes

ts

[older lady]

Domestic abuse, I think of as being in a trapped situation, not a relationship, so I don’t think it’s like you’ve moved on so quickly. You’ve found a good relationship and you haven’t had that for years. Best of wishes, you deserve happiness, same as anyone else.

[Eyesopening]

Hey hun,
It’s great how well you are doing.
I would say, make sure you have enough autonomy for yourself, you need to heal, healing needs to be done and if it isn’t done now it can be pushed back and done later. But as I found, the longer you leave things to heal, the worse they get and they can topple over you.
I would be cautious and make sure you eyes are open and you run as soon as he crosses any boundaries, becuase it is so common for women to fall into abusive relationships after one.
I started dating someone soon after my ex, he was such a better guy then my ex, but had different sorts of issue to my ex. I dated him for a while, because I was dating him, I totally forgot about my ex and stopped mourning the relationship, stopped crying the tears I needed to cry, stopped figuring out what happened. Then this guy started showing red flags and becuase this guy was the plaster on my wound, I literally couldnt walk away. I was hooked. Then he ended it (thankgod) I was incredibly shattered, I cried for a week and felt deperate. I couldnt work and was put on antidepressants. I slowly got better, I completely forgot about him then started mourning for my ex properly, sorting out the abusive relationship and making peace with it. I started finding hobbies, self consoling and I feel so so much more at peace, I love being single now and actually now realised how the next man I am with will have to be pretty specatular to make me be in a relationship again. I am so thankful this guy ended it. I got to heal myself, find my joys and be in a much much better position in my life.
Sign up to the freedom program, talking with women about your experince can be so validating and freeing. Read Boundaries after a pathological relationship by Adelyn Birch, its a short workbook and it is essential to clear up your boundaries to protect yourself.
Keep working on you xx

[gettingtired]

Thank you so much everyone.
I think I did a lot of grieving and figuring things out during the ‘relationship’ with my ex. I started therapy whilst I was still with him and read every single self-help book on abusive relationships/people that I could, did the freedom programme, reached out to DA charities etc. This was all kick started by joining the forum a few years ago. I knew there was no future between us for a few years before I left him, I just needed to work things out in my head. It wasn’t easy but actually, all of the things I was most worried about before leaving turned out to be miniscule in the grand scheme of things. I can see my ex for what he is now, a manipulative bully who will never change. I have moments where I feel slight pangs of guilt but then I remember how much of a living Hell he made my life and that it was all a choice he made. I know he will never change and actually I don’t even miss him.
I’m taking things slowly and making sure I take time to myself with the new person in my life and so far he has been respectful of that and I haven’t seen any red flags. Regardless of him though I’m definitely the happiest I’ve ever been since before I was with my ex. It’s amazing to be able to wake up and not have the anxiety of what kind of day it’s going to be, depending on what mood my ex would be in. I think as women here, we get so used to this controlling behaviour it just becomes nothing new.
Thanks again everyone xx

[nbumblebee]

I am blown away by you and so proud. Keep going sweetie my goodness you are amazing x

[Camel]

Hi gettingtired

Setting boundaries is really hard when you’ve been in an abusive relationship. We’ve forgotten that we’re allowed to have them. I think you need to keep an eye on your thought processes first. For example, if you find that you’re worrying about how your new man will feel if you don’t message him every day – that would be a concern.

We know to look out for red flags in others but we shouldn’t forget that our own behaviour (and how it changes) is the biggest red flag of all.

As long as you’re happy and don’t rush in blindly you have nothing to worry about. And you can always ask the forum if you’re uncertain about anything. X

[StrongLife]

It’s really calm now where I am. No weekend dramas and screaming. No fear no fleeing.

I have added responsibility but nothing I have not handled before – I was on very bad way with ex – now this is the good route.

This is what is was like before meeting ex. I’m still in fear but not as much now – it’s been (detail removed by Moderator)

[Author]

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