It doesn’t sink in-frozen

[Eyesopening]

I talked to Womens Aid… to get their opinion. I told them about a strange message where he joked about punching and murdering me…and the red flags, like how he can be moody/sulky, sometimes makes jokes that make me feel bad about myself, about how his ex (with his child) doesn’t share their location with him,  how sometimes he can snap and make me feel like I wanna cry.

WA were very serious, said the msg is threatening… and controlling because it was in response to me not agreeing to doing something he wanted me to do. She said ‘you cannot ignore what you know about his ex keeping herself and her children away from him. We tend to find this happens when the ex is a threat to the woman and the children’

She urged me to end the relationship and not meet with him face to face…

I also spoke with my local DA services, they agree, we did some questions and they say I am at moderate risk.

so why am I not ending it, it would be so easy, he is far away atm, i could do it over txt or email.. i was so close, but he phoned me yesterday and we talked on the phone and now I can’t do it, he’a being so sweet and kind and I miss him.. the weird times are the minority.

i am supposed to go to him (to move into his new council house across the country) in a few days and I feel frozen, like I will have to end up just going

[Eyesopening]

Also friends and family don’t seem as concerned compared to professionals…

[Marmalade]

Eyesopening,

Although some of the behaviours you previously described are not definitive, that kind of threat of violence in response to you not doing what he wants, is a very big red flag. Why would he say that?
Im going to be frank. This forum is full of women trying to get away from men they live with. You have been in that situation previously. You are safe at the moment, but you are thinking of putting yourself in a vulnerable position despite your worries and experience. Take a deep breath and think what you would say to a friend or family member who was thinking of doing this. You do not live with this man. He lives a long way away. You are so concerned about him that you have sought professional help. You have every opportunity to walk away now. Please consider why you would leave everything you know and move to be with him when you would make yourself so vulnerable? If you find it hard to break ties then could you keep it long distance? Time and space are good healers.
When we leave abusive relationships our self esteem and confidence are on the floor. This makes us really vulnerable to abusers and toxic relationships. There’s a reason WA recommend not starting a new relationship for at least 2 years. You deserve more than this man offers you. You have warning sirens of incompatibility and worrying red flags. Listen to your gut. You are better than this man. You deserve more. Think about your future.

.

[Eyesopening]

thankyou so much, I did it, I told him I wont move there, I cannot believe how hard it was.. it was almost impossible. I was going to go up! But my family saved me.. I think the thing that really did it for me was my sister telling my the fact that I crave him and want to see him to feel better is a really big sign of the unhealthy attachment/coercive control/trauma bond. I am in a bad pattern and I will see a DA specific therapist. Thankyou for your messsage, it really helped me. xxxx

 

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I wonder if you have more experience of abuse than your friends or family? You may find that you are the expert in this and should trust your own opinion.

Friends and family have a really important role to play in our lives and offer amazing support in other ways.

But relying on their opinions when it come to abusive people, no.
The ‘perceived wisdom’ that we generally get from friends and family misses the point of abuse and only works in non-abusive relationships.

I really agree with the advice given above, no point repeating it, but just to second those thoughts, think about your future.

[Eyesopening]

this is a really really good point, thankyou, it is hard hearing friends and family minimise things, when you are already confused. But I did it (timeframe removed by Moderator), I told him I wont move in with him! Thankgod I found the strength, it felt impossible before.. but I suppose I needed time.  Thankyou for replying, it really helped xx

[InShock]

Protect yourself from this man. Run away from him now. Forget about anything you think is positive about him and think of it as an illusion.
I missed a huge red flag because my abuser distracted me with his fun personality. He’s now traumatised me and I’ve ended up in a similar position to your abuser’s ex

 

[Eyesopening]

Thankyou for replying, you really helped me, it is scary, such a shame Clairs law kinda falls short if they can only tell you of actually convictions. When conviction rate is so low.. I did it (timeframe removed by Moderator), I told him I wont move in with him. and it is over, I feel relieved actually, I think I have done all the crying i could in the run up xx

[Author]

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