It finally happened.

[Janedoeissad]

I got a seriously hoovering email from him.

Telling me all these things he’s done to improve himself and make him “a better person”.

Telling me all these plans he has to improve himself further.

There wasn’t a direct request for me to come back but it was inferred.

Any suggestions on how to tell him that to me, He will always be an abusive a******e who ruined my life for a few years?

He’s talking as if all he needed to deal with was his anger. Not his inherent belief that all women are weak.

I’m triggered beyond belief. On the one hand I feel terrified he’ll convince me to come back. On the other I wouldn’t go back if he vomited gold.

I’m concerned if I say the wrong thing in response he’ll think I’m engaging in conversations. Which I’m not.

[iwillbeok]

Block. Delete. Ignore. Hon, no matter what you say, it will be taken the way he wants to take it – ‘permission’ to keep contacting you, fuel for him to say your crazy, satisfaction that he ia getting an emotional response from you. No Cintact is really the best way to go. I’m sorry that this has triggered you. That is why he has conacted you. Stay strong hon xx

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks for your response iwillbeok.

I really wanted the email contact to ONLY be to tell me he was sorting stuff and would be out the house soon.

I did not want to get solicitors involved as it will cost me. I’ve got zero chance of getting any financial support. But I might have to if he keeps this up.

He didn’t even ask how I was. His email was so self centered and all about him. So he really has not changed.

[iwillbeok]

The other option is to go “grey rock” (google it) – don’t respond to the emotional c**p. Keep tp facts and requirements. Keep it as businesslike as possible?

X

[Tiffany]

I eventually sent the ‘you are an abusive a*****e and I never want to talk to you again’ email. It made me feel worse and it didn’t stop him continuing to contact me. I would just ignore everything not related to the things you have to get sorted, try and sort them as soon as possible then go totally non contact.

[Janedoeissad]

I just looked up grey rock and I think I starting doing this without realising at the start but I’ve started being “nice” (thanking him for doing things, etc) as I thought he had got the hint. Clearly consistency is key. I think I’m going to go down that route.

Tiffany I have thought of a million hateful things to say to make myself feel better but deep down I know it won’t.

I think I’m going to answer this email with “we’re over. I’m not going to discuss it again” then only answer stuff that is relevant to us parting ways.

If that doesn’t do it. A letter from my solicitor will.

I’m more determined than ever to get rid of him. The fact I said at the start of all this “we are over” and he hasn’t listened has irritated me. I thought he was getting his act together to leave when in fact he was sat plotting how he could keep me. I’m livid.

[SunshineRainflower]

Abusers aren’t like normal people, it seems weird and harsh at first but honestly, no contact or if you must, grey rock are the only way forward. Because they are so skilful at manipulation they will use any contact to either convince us to return (and then abuse us again) or immediately start up abuse again like accusing us of things and all sorts of crazyness. It is a dangerous game to be in touch with them at all, they are not reasaonable normal beings and will use any contact to worm their way back in to have that control they so desperately crave. I wouldn’t even reply saying it’s over, they don’t consider our feelings at all and just see us as possessions. I would just totally ignore, block, delete, save any evidence of harassment, and use third parties if finances or children still keep you connected.

[lilaclady]

No contact is the only way. The minute you respond to them, to emails texts whatever it opens that door and off they go. My ex would do exactly the same. But I think Janedoeissad you are so on the right track. If you feel you need to send the ‘we’re over” email do it but then don’t respond to his responses. If he is anything like my ex there will be many.

[Anabela]

My advice from my experience: dont reply at all. Because he gets a reaction even if it is a negative one and it gives him hope. It will put you off balance as well. Because he will reply to that i think. And again you will read his reply.
When i went no contact with him he created fake fb profile. I read his message and i made a mistake. I responded. With all the reasons why i dont want to be with him and that i want it to be over. And we started talking. Again. And now im back to square one. Even though i was very determined of no contact.

[KIP.]

Do not respond at all. If he does nothing you will feel like you gave him all the power back. If he responds it will be gaslighting lies. Get a third party to text keeping it simple like “you have until the 19th to move out”. X wants no further contact with you. These men can keep this game going for years. No contact.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks for all your replies ladies.

I know I’m going to regret this but I sent one last message saying that we are 100% over and from now on, only emails which discuss the practicalities of our seperation would get responded too.

And that is exactly what will happen from now on. No replies to any emails unless it says “I’m moving out on dd/mm/yy”. He’s got one month from today before I get solicitors involved.

[Author]

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