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Hello,
I’m new and not sure what to do. In the past my partner has been emotionally abusive. In a nutshell, over the years he has told me which of my friends I can see and who I can’t, what I can/ can’t wear, he always got so angry whenever I went out with my friends I stopped going out. He’d flip out at things that I had no idea I was doing “wrong”, petty, silly things that would totally take me by surprise. He would throw things and punch walls, although he has never been violent to me it would really intimidate me. I had anxiety & was self harming, so I went to my GP, got counselling and in the end left him.
Then we got back together. We went to couple counselling. We’d have ‘normal couple’ arguments, so I know we can do it! For a long while things were great between us. I got ill and he was incredibly supportive. I got pregnant and he was wonderful. Then the baby arrived and things are going downhill, they’ve been tense for about (detail removed by moderator).
He says he feels left out & sad. He’s no where near what he used to be like (in terms of abusive behaviours), but the slightest thing makes me so frightened and like I’ve got to tread on eggshells to avoid upsetting him. For instance, he has been “disappointed” that I didn’t make Christmas decorations & I got upset. I spent days making decoration & he refused to put them on the tree as they ‘didn’t go’. He saw his (homemade) birthday cake the night before his birthday, he didn’t want to see it – I explained that icing cakes in an open plan house with a toddler in secret was virtually impossible – he said he still didn’t want to see it, so I hid the cake & he got angry – not because of the cake (which makes him sound childish), but because of “my reaction”. I’ve been so nervous of everything I say or do because it reminds me so much of our past….
In short, things have been bad in the past – then things were great and healthy for a year – and now little things he does (that aren’t really that bad) frighten me and the thought of it going back to like he was before terrifies me to my core. I don’t want my little girl to grow up with this – but I also know we can be good when he puts the effort in… So I feel like he deserves another chance, I just don’t know if it’s sustainable.
I want to leave, but he’s so lovely at the moment and I feel like I’m over reacting.
Thank you for reading this far!! X -
Dear Pamela,
Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it a supportive place to be.
You mentioned that you feel he deserves another chance, but he needs to use this opportunity to work on himself and how he treats you in a relationship. I am aware the abusive behaviors are not as often, but there is no justification for abuse in any form or at any time.
You describe sometimes feeling frightened and having to tread on eggshells. These are definite warning signs of abusive behaviors slipping back in and that the relationship isn’t a healthy one.
The main problem is his behavior and it is down to him to change that. If you would like to give the relationship a chance, I would advise you suggest your partner to go on a perpetrator programme. They are programmes for perpetrators of domestic abuse. The organisation called Respect runs these programmes. You can call them for more information on 0808 802 4040 and your partner would need to call them himself if he is interested.
I would also encourage you to seek support with your ongoing situation. Your local domestic abuse service can offer you emotional and practical support. You can find your local service here.
You could also call the national domestic violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. You can speak to a trained female support worker about the situation. They won’t tell you what to do but can talk things through with you. It is available 24 hours, 7 days a week.
Take care and keep posting.
Best Wishes,
Lisa
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Hi Pamela, Recently I was told that things had changed, that he knew what he had done wrong, he could see what he had done and a whole load of other promises. I gave in. He has gone right back to square one, his aggression, the fact that he thinks that I am a waste of oxygen, the name calling and the threats. There was no lull in things like before when he had made promises. He came back with a view to punishing and he is doing just that. They don’t change, sometimes we hold out hope they will especially when they give us a lull that makes us think what they say might have a bit of truth to it. You are not over reacting, I know that feeling if your instincts are saying you are heading right back to where you were get out. I actually understand you not wanting to leave while he is being nice, I am putting up with loads from him but still dont feel it is bad enough to kick him out, I kicked him out for less once don’t let your tolerance to bad behaviour build like mine has xx
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Hi Pamela, it doesn’t sound likes he’s being lovely to me, I think he’s just changed tactics. How dare he expect such indulgences from you? Yes it does make him sound childish, like a very spoiled child. Does he make you homemade cakes and decorations? And if he did would you rubbish then and belittle him? I doubt it on both counts. You deserve to be treated equally and with respect. Trust me this covert stuff can chip away at your self esteem just as effectively as the more violent behaviour. He’s already intimidated you sufficiently in the past to have you where he wants you, that’s the only reason he’s not doing it anymore. I suspect that if you stopped trying so hard to please him things might escalate. You’re right to be worried, trust that instinct xx
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Pamela,
Welcome, and sorry to hear your post, but glad, your strong enough and seeking help for your abusive situation.
PP has posted an accurate summary of some of the tactics used. I’d say the drip drip drip effect, leaving you confused, and fearful, then all loved up, then switch back, horrible emotional trauma.The book (..there are many, I can let you have more titles just say)
Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft may help you figure some out some things, along with counselling support and ladies on here know loads. Some amazingly insightful posts, I’m learning loads, about who & what I’ve just actually lived with… keep posting, it may help you.Hugs
C x -
Hello, Pamela. It’s always going to be like this, a little bit of respite followed by further abuse, and as time goes by you will be more injured by it, you will die a little bit inside until you feel like you have lost yourself. It makes me sad to read how pleased you were by his ‘good behaviour’ during your pregnancy and illness, like that is something remarkable. I wonder if you think you should give him another chance because you can’t quite accept that he knows what he is doing, that it is abusive and that you are being affected, and that if he could see how his behaviour is abusive he would change and everything would get better. I can’t tell you the number of years I have wasted believing this. Feeling confused is very common. I think if you stay it’s going to be an ongoing struggle for your sanity, your welfare, your physical health. It’s not easy going it alone with a child, but to live in an abusive relationship day in day out is life destroying. I don’t think you are over reacting. Your gut is sensing something going wrong again, sensing a change in his body language, tone, on a subtle level, and there are the more obvious behaviours you describe. Is it so wrong that your inner self wants safety and protection, and something more healthy, while you consciously think thoughts about ‘giving him another chance’? How many other chances do you think it is going to take to get an abusive relationship through a decade, and during that time, what will be the likely effects on you? I found I gained a lot of strength from speaking with a domestic abuse outreach worker, I started to understand what was happening to me and to see that I could find my way out of the nightmare. Xx
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Pamela
You have had some great advice from the ladies on here. I’m so sorry you have been going through this and you deserve so much better. You have feelings of fear – these feelings will eat you from the inside. He WANTS you to feel scared. You should feel safe with your partner and in your home – feeling fear is a huge sign that something is very wrong.x
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