It just feels too hard

[anotherlife]

I’m sinking, it’s getting harder. Been ‘free’ from him for several years, as in not living with him & now divorced, but it never goes away, the emotional,mental,verbal, everything but violent abuse. I’m still anxious and though I should use boundaries, I can’t bd no contact with children involved and still in joint owned house for a while. One of my children has mental health issues, mostly caused by his treatment of us over all the years, I’m barely able to lead this child through the teenage years, with them swaying between seeming like acting like the abuser and hiding away from life, I feel like I’m completely failing my children. I know I’m not, but this one’s just getting worse every year and I worry so much for their future. I thought escaping his abuse and showing my children that his behaviour was unacceptable and we don’t treat people like that, would make us stronger and we could be a family. But it’s completely dysfunctional and there’s no bond between the children and each other, dad appears to love one but not the other, that’s how my child feels.
I know life is hard, it’s hard for everyone in so many ways. But I just don’t know how to keep going anymore. Family don’t understand at all, they thunk they’re supportive but are just critical of the younger child & issues & I should be tougher etc.
The ex still thinks he can bully me & undermine me & get on with his new life with all his money & ego & girlfriend. He’s a bad example to the kids but my eldest doesn’t see that.
I don’t know why I’m typing this, it just sounds that I’m feeling sorry for myself. I just don’t know how to keep carrying all this. I had let so much go but feel angry that he can still get to me and for the damage he’s done to my youngest long term mental health. He doesn’t have to deal with it. The abusers can make a new life and leave behind the trail of emotional damage they created. Hospital appointments, doctors, education affected, relationships falling apart, lack of respect from children for the mum who tried for so long to protect us all, blame, the list goes on. But my life isn’t, I’ll never let a man near me again and still jump at noises in the house, cars pulling up outside, isolating myself at times when anxiety gets worse.

I could just go on and on. I’m sorry it’s a wingey angry post. I wouldn’t normally say all this and don’t want to pull anyone dow, I just feel like I don’t know where to turn.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello anotherlife

I am glad to read that you have found somewhere to let everything tumble out. I hope you feel some sense of relief for speaking your truth.

This is your life, its not hurting someone else to hear how much you are struggling, but we are here for you, and do know the huge difficulties you face in fighting for your children. The fact that the fight can be almost impossible doesn’t make you a bad mum, its just that the sometimes insurmountable difficulties that come with an abusive partner/father, can be too much to tackle alone and leaves you feeling drained and helpless.

These are completely normal feelings for the situation you are all living through. Normal reactions to an abnormal situation.

Again, you have made a monumental step forward in finding somewhere to drop all this. Do keep talking, and asking for help everywhere you can.

Has he been awarded a contact order, or shared custody/co-parenting? I don’t want to bring up any specifics about court, but wondering if there is something you can challenge, and whether you are all sufficiently safe from his harms?

For instance, he needs to stop all contact with you if he is contacting you, even for childcare arrangements and co-parenting. Have a read on the forum of the various parenting situations that women here are trying to navigate and make sure your life has the necessary safe spaces in it for you all.

Domestic abuse is incredibly complex, and those that understand it best are those that have lived it, or still are, and women are totally confused by it until they gain this understanding of the complex dynamic going on. Its the same for children, and for all those around you, like other family members, and friends, many of whom may want to help but simply do not understand how it is for you. At least here women do understand this. I hope that by being here you will find the clarity and strength you need to get some real strong safe boundaries in place for you, and your children. If your child feels less loved or wanted than a sibling then this is how he has made them feel and if he’s not prepared to address that then there is nothing anyone can do to change that, but the child needs support to have their feelings validated and huge reassurance that they are very much loved and wanted. Giving that child extra time and opportunities for bonding and closeness with you will help. Children just need one reliable and strong attachment in their lives to form and learn about healthy attachments, they may always have issues with their dad, but so long as they know they have you, and I’m sure they do.

Ask for anything you need and we’ll try to help all we can.

warmest wishes

ts

[Marmalade]

Being a single parent after abuse and dealing with teenagers with mental health issues and the aftereffects of abuse, can be horrendous.
I totally empathise. I struggle. Some days I want to get in the car and drive and keep on driving just to escape. The weight of responsibility, the inability to escape from triggering behaviour and the maternal love you feel for your kids is a very difficult mix.
All I can say is that you are not alone. Abuse means kids can lose respect, seeing their mother as a victim and feeling they can get the upper hand as the abuser did.
Lots of love but boundaries is one way forward. Also have something for you. You need time for you, some music or a calming bath, something positive to give you energy. Sending lots of moral support.

[Lazarus17]

Just one minute/hour/day/week at a time anotherlife. That’s all you can do. It took a Herculean effort to end the relationship. That’s how strong you are!

Take time for you and be gentle with yourself. Also try and do something fun, frivolous and completely silly with the kids if possible, even if only a walk – silly walks where they try and better yours, following the leader……??? Hope that makes sense!

You’ve got this. xx

[tiredofitall]

I’ve got a couple of teenagers and we are in the process of getting out. Without doubt he treats one more favourably than the other. I’ve had to dig deep and work hard to ensure they both feel loved and supported by me but also that they know I love them both the same. I’ve explained they each feel differently about their dad because their experiences have been different. He HAS treated them differently and that is HIM and nothing to do with them. My oldest has lot of anxiety issues because of how he has been treated. But we just have to support, guide and help. I also read somewhere that a n**********c parent will seek to divide siblings so that they maintain control. It certainly feels like that has happened in my house.
You are clearly a good parent and we can see how much you care but it is hard trying to right the wrongs of others.

[Twisted Sister]

yes, abusers commonly do this, triangulate. Play one off against another to gaincontrol over one by using the other.

This also a common PUA tactic too, telling a new date that their last g/f was so ‘this’ or ‘that’, and setting up the new date to compete against that past character to make themselves feel better in the date’s eyes. …oh, well he doesn’t like that, I won’t do that, I’ll be better than that.

so gross. Such a horrible way to manipulate people and children.

warmest wishes

ts

[Gerbil]

Hi
I have just read all of the above. I am always learning on here. I never knew about triangulation from abusers. This makes so much sense for the toxic relationships in our house.
There is nothing worse than seeing your children suffer ( or one of them). I also agree with you how kids can sometimes copy the abusers behaviour.
Take care everyone x

[Author]

Posts