It’s been almost (detail removed) years and I still can’t move on

[blaa]

I feel like what happened to me is a part of me like it defines me, I still get flashbacks and memories triggered by the smallest thing, I try to live in the present and realise how good my life is now and sometimes I do have good days but so often i keep thinking about him and the things he and his friends did to me, he groomed me and passed me to his friends and I was often to weak to resist and I don’t understand what was wrong with me to have stayed with him even after things he did to me like strangling me for refusing to give oral sex to (detail removed) of his friends and locking me in a bathroom with his friend when I was naked and letting his friend rape me, but maybe it wasn’t rape because I said no for a while and tried to get up and he pushed me down and in the end I just did it so I kind of consented and I don’t understand what was wrong with me I’m so angry with my self for being so weak, then he said I’d failed his test to see if I was faithful and I still feel like if I had said no more and more forcefully and not given in maybe the relationship wouldn’t have got so bad after that, I’m sorry I’m panicking and confused, I have a child (detail removed) and I love her more than I can ever explain and sometimes I’m thankful for the relationship because it gave me her but at the same time she’s a constant reminder and she’s so precious and innocent and I feel like a uselss mother because I’m so mentally ill all the time and I just feel so bad and upset and alone and I have no one to talk to that’s why I’m spilling out in here I’m so sorry especially when some people are going through terrible things now and I’m upset about things that happened (detail removed) ago but in my head it repeats like it was yesterday and I just want to live my life I’m sorry no one has to read or reply to this I just needed to tell someone how i feel I’m going crazy I’m sorry

[KIP.]

Please don’t apologise. You’re not crazy you’re traumatised and still living with that trauma. Good counselling should help loads with this. Can you visit your GP and ask for help? What happened was awful but as you say you have a wonderful child. Life works in strange ways. Seek out help. Read The Body Keeps The Score. All about how we retain trauma and relive it until we get counselling x

[blaa]

Thank you so much kip, your reply means so much and I feel less alone x

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. We do what we have to do to survive. None of that is our fault. I too was groomed so I know how you feel. There just wasn’t an escape at the time. Just know that with help and support you can overcome this and get your life back. You’re definitely not alone x keep posting x

[KIP.]

Someone once told me to move on. I told them I moved on quickly from my ex but I cannot move on from the trauma he left me with. It’s something that helped me understand and I hope it helps you too x

[Tiffany]

You are describing an incredible amount of trauma. My abuser in comparison was just pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable. For me the physical violence was never enough to leave bruises. The sexual violence was limited to a big of unwanted touching and wearing me down until I wouldn’t say no. Still not right obviously, but nothing compared to what you have dealt with. And then the mental and emotional stuff that kept me, an intelligent and kind woman in his power for so long. I have no kids with him. No risk of ever having contact with him again. And it still took me a couple of years to start to feel anything like myself again. I am still plagued with a hair trigger sensitivity to any kind of stress. It still affects my health in profound ways.

So it’s not surprising that your much more horrific experience is impacting you in the way it is. I think kip is right, some help to process what has happened, maybe some cognitive behavioural therapy to help learn new ways to react to triggers, could really help. It doesn’t fix everything, but it can continue the process of gradually reducing the impact your experience had on your life.

[lover of no contact]

You really have had huge sexual abuse. What about getting support from Rape Crisis who would deal with abuse cases similar to yours. And your blessing of your gorgeous little girl is lucky to have you as a mum. Give yourself and your little girl the gift of further healing from the trauma you endured by extra support Rape Crisis, WA, even a few telephone calls as a start. And reading the posts on here daily and seeing “you didn’t Cause it, you Couldn’t Control it and you can’t Cure it (meaning your abuser ex and his abuser-gang)… will help you in your healing and recovery from the huge trauma and crime you were subjected to.

[blaa]

Thank you all so much for your kind replies it’s overwhelming how kind and supportive everyone is on this forum, I’m sorry to hear your stories and sorry we had to go through this, I have had a year therapy at rape crisis a while ago but I’m still struggling and don’t think they will accept me back again but maybe there is something else I can find, I was having a bad day when I first post and i feel much better now but when I was in that dark place your replies helped so much so I just wanted to say thank you

[lover of no contact]

That’s good. Keep reading the posts on here and posting as you need; it really does help in the recovery process.

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