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If I had not read all the links (and sublinks) sent by ladies on this forum, if I had not persevered and used my brain, if I had not met this professional supposed to help us, if the awful situation that took place x days ago had not affected my child, if this and if that…but if I had not followed the advice given here on the forum and if I had not drawn the right conclusions, analysed and looked at my own reactions in response to his abuse…i would not have had the lightbulb moment I had today as well when he behaved abusively so, so, so cleverly.
I also would not have reacted the right way and chosen to ignore the feelings he was causing me to have, a few moments later. I would have drowned again in total cognitive dissonance, trauma bonding and outrageous co-dependency, anxiety and self doubt.
But those days are over and as much as it pains me to say he still managed to abuse me today right in front of our children, my reactions were almost a form of reactive abuse, but I stayed calmer than before, and recovered quickly despite feeling the urge to seek approval from my children. Wrong move, but it didn’t last long, thank Heaven for that.
I am changing and the elastic habit of being drawn back is eradicated. I now know it, I feel different, so different.
Soon my solicitor, on holiday till x day, will get the divorce in full swing and he will get a total shock. What he inflicted on our child will not be in his favour, nor his manipulative mad action which caused me to call x.I am minimising my belongings, cleansing my soul from his abuse, working on my reactions and practicing no contact. I am moving on, but not to benefit him, instead I am doing it to benefit my children and me. We need to change the situation we live in. The brain fog is lifted for me.
May I personally thank all of you ladies for all the support and help I received. I cannot show other than in words how desperate I was to understand what was happening to me and my family, and how desperate I was to try to find the right solution. I have sounded stupid, lost, repetitive, stubborn, irresponsible, mad, unclear, dumb, dependent, unreliable and so much more, most of all laughable.
But it is all so clear now. He has lost the most important power he had over me : The reactions he wanted to cause.
It’s a new life ahead. I have persevered over the last few weeks to remain calm, read, read and read some more, understand and absorb knowledge I didn’t have.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. What a difference lighting that shiny lightbulb makes!!! Shame he will remain in the dark…
🙂 BJ
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Hi bridget,
I am so pleased for you. You have put in so much hard work to survive (the abuse) and move to this place in your head. You persevered when the situation was so tough and he was pushing your buttons and abusing you without respite. But you clung unto your lifelines, this Forum and other supports. You did not give up. You kept fighting to get free, to live a life free from abuse. You posted and posted to get him and his toxicity out of your system and into the light where other ladies could benefit from your experience, thoughts and feelings. You are preparing to get out of this abusive relationship to lead a life free of abuse. We are here for you every step of the way. Keep reading the posts and posting!!
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Hi
That sounds like a positive way forward for you…I’m on a similar path myself…except I had the lightbulb moment about 1 month ago..Good Luck to you for a happier future ahead.
I just wanted to flag up some helpful books & videos of Dr George Simon an eminent psychologist who knows all about the males we have encountered.
‘The character disturbance’….’In sheeps clothing’ …& one together with a woman author something like …How did we get here..are really enlightening!
He also does a USA radio programme he knows these characters inside & out…what is alarming reading is that…they choose to be like that…no excuses made.
Anyway BJ I will be looking for your posts as I am encouraged by your story strength & bravery…as with all the amazing women here!
Hugs X
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Thank you, I will carry on writing as things progress.
Today is one of those rare but typical days where he is doing x with one of our children, my first automatic reaction is to immediately wonder how much rubbish he will try to fill in that child’s brain, but children are not a competition and as the family psychotherapist said to me, I have to let go of my child in order to get him to come back to me. I have to trust my children’s instincts and let them find out for themselves. Hence the lesson learned by him during a scary event which caused him to ring me.
One of the reactions I try not to have is to protect my children too much, It’s extremely subtle yet so obvious, and I must not send the wrong message, in fact I must send NO message at all, as the therapist said, my kids know I am here if they need me. I must allow them to make their own judgement. Two of them have started exchanging their own recent experiences to each other in front of me, I simply listen.
It’s very hard to stay impartial when all I have mistakenly been is partial due to my reactions.
I have learned a hard lesson. Another lightbulb moment.
I know that in time, my children will mesh the situations they have lived, witnessed and experienced, and they will draw the lessons. They will draw the right conclusions.
In the meantime, I try to stay calm, serene and organised. I try to live normally. Today will be a day where my husband will try to influence our child, I must do nothing or I will appear reactive.
I know what is right and wrong, but I know my children know that too. They eventually confide in me…and that’s when I know I gave them the right education, despite the abuse.
I tell myself I must act as a recovering alcoholic, there will be times when it’s plain sailing, and times when I feel I am going backwards, but I have relied on habits I have started developing to help me cope with the creeping doubts, anxieties and fears. I know they are of my own making, and they are the demons I fight back. I say recovering alcoholic not because I am one (I never was an alcoholic), but because the lessons to learn from trying to recover from domestic abuse are the same as the ones taught in Al -Anon meetings where I meet the victims of alcoholics. We are powerless against the dis-ease, but we can change our own reactions, and that’s what will save my children and me.
I still don’t see the complete picture for what it truly is, but that will be the reflections I will have to deal with as I become free. There will also be a hard aftermath for me to cope with, like a mourning period over my life, decades of it in fact. Bitterness, resentment will be reactive feelings I will have to master too. Acknowledging a huge loss is very hard to do. Loneliness too will eat at my very core too.
But there will be tactics I can use to cope, and just identifying in advance that I WILL HAVE to cope, prepares me to do so.
It’s all in the planning, acknowledging set backs as unstable stepping stones…they are stepping stones nevertheless!
I believe that from the day i first rang the police to these last few days when my son rang me in tears, frightened, I went through a searching journey, a long period of x years when I grieved. The stages are obvious now.
I read posts on here where these stages are so obvious. Each of us is on a journey through domestic abuse. But you can’t push people to see what they cannot see for themselves. You have to let them make that journey.
I have, my children will too. Setbacks and all.
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I admire you BJ. I have a huge problem in worrying how badly it affects my daughter when she is with my ex husband. I don’t want her to have influence from him at all. It killed me, when, after initially not wanting to go at first, years ago, she now’likes’ going. Her brother no longer goes so probably she gets some attention for the first time in many years. He’ll try to make her into an e extension of himself, of course. If I could take the words of your therapist on board it might help.
Best wishes to you and what comes next.
Eve
xx
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