It's hard to put things into words

[Alone]

I don’t mean for the purpose of explaining anything to others (although it would be helpful to be able to give at least brief descriptions when needing an employer to understand something, for instance), but I mean even to myself. It feels like sentences of clear thought are few and far between, and I understand it, I have begun to recognise that it was all part of living in an abusive environment, that my mind would switch off, and wouldn’t allow me to think of descriptions for what was going on. I understand that it was all to protect myself, and I hope that in time it will subside.

But right now I find my mind going blank and not being able to think or write things out is making me feel worse. For instance, I know I feel incredibly unhappy right now, but I can’t explain to myself why. My mum has died, obviously that is a huge part of it. She was abusive, and wouldn’t allow me to live a normal life, so even day to day activities can be a big deal, as I am trying to learn a lot of things, without any help or advice whatsoever. I left the job I loved (apart from the time I was bullied there) and all the people I knew. So everything around me is strange and different. Which some days is a good thing, because I can put on an act and be happy and bubbly, but on days where I’m not feeling up to acting, it means there is no understanding, and no safe space. In my old job I was known as a hard worker, so could have easily switched tasks or job roles if I needed some space, or even gone to certain people for chats, but in this new job I don’t even feel the people above me are approachable, and they don’t know me well enough to understand how I work.

They know my mother passed away, obviously they know nothing of the relationship between us, and in relation to my loss, they regularly ask me if I’m feeling better now. I find that quite offensive, she really hasn’t been gone long, and in the short space of time I have had to plan her funeral, organise her affairs, fight to keep my home, changed my job, had her birthday and now Christmas is around the corner. I’m not just going to ‘feel better’.

I realised only today that some of my unhappiness is due to the day to day side of life. When I have a question, I have no one to ask. I feel like a fool for reaching adulthood and not knowing this stuff, but I recognise that I didn’t put myself in the abusive situation, it was done TO me, not caused BY me. But that doesn’t make it a lot easier. It makes me think about my mum, and the relationship we had, or lack of, and that now it will never be better. People who don’t know the relationship (which is practically everyone) tell me things like “she’s watching over you, she’s so proud” and other such sentences, but I can’t get the idea of her watching me and still hating me out of my head. All she ever wanted was a life without me, she wanted me gone, and if there is any way she can see or be aware of me not following her restrictions, I know exactly what her response would be. She would say I benefitted from her death, which of course I completely disagree with, but she turned every single thing related to me into some kind of vendetta against her, into some kind of plot to pretend that I have it bad, when in fact I didn’t. Some of you may remember an example I previously gave, that when I was unable to afford to eat I lost a lot of weight and my mum claimed I was pretending I couldn’t afford to eat so that I could lose weight and get attention from the sob story. I’m not who she said I was, and now that opinion will never change. It’s hard to go on, I know if I had managed to move out and live on my own with her still being alive, I would be so excited learning these new things, they would feel like an achievement, but now that she’s died, it just feels like a betrayal, and I can’t stop feeling like I am doing something wrong.

I’m someone who people have often described as showing passion when I complete tasks, wherever I am, and right now I have no passion or motivation for anything. I decided to go back to the gym, which felt like a bad thing at first, as it feels a little like life shouldn’t go on, as if I’m saying her death doesn’t matter, but I’m hoping going back to the gym is a start to getting my health and motivation back. But for now, I just keep wondering why I bother, I want to be able to put emotions into words so that I can understand and process them , and I want to feel better 🙁

xx

[Escaped not free]

Alone, I’m so sorry to hear of your situation. I wish I could give you a big hug. Your obviously feeling a total lack of closure and unfinished business with your mum. I don’t think you are doing badly, I think the fact that you go to work each day, that you are trying to look forward at all is very positive. I think some counselling would really help and being in touch with someone from women’s aid for some support. I have a very difficult relationship with my mother and with that comes a lot of guilt. We know we shouldn’t feel guilty but years of programming make it very hard. I have been reading an interesting book from the library. Trauma recovery, a compassionate approach. It interesting for people who have never really had that nurturing from a mother that guides us through ways to make ourselves feel better as children so that as adults when faced with difficulties and adverse events we are not equipped emotionally to deal with it. It’s not about blame, more about accepting where we are right now and coping strategies. It was helping me a bit and might be useful for you. My experiences with grieving is you have a whole year of firsts to get over. First Christmas, birthdays etc that are going to be tough and at these times be good to yourself. You are doing just fine, it’s ok to find it hard, it’s ok to feel down. You do deserve to be shown kindness by yourself. Something I struggle with greatly is showing myself this kindness, only in my late thirties starting to understand what it means and not quite able to do it yet. Our mothers imprinted in us that we weren’t worthy of this and that’s a hard habit to break. You need to keep going and try hard at things that you enjoy that are good for you. Lots of love x*x

[lover of no contact]

Alone I’m so glad you posted. I have followed your posts for a long time now and you have been reared being severely abused. No wonder you feel like you do. For me I know if my thoughts and feelings stay trapped in my head and I stay isolated to try and heal myself, I make very little progress, the abuse of my past still controls me even though I have had No Contact with my abusive mother for a lot of years.

I can relate to you Alone as my mother had an addiction to Power and Control and needed to hurt others so she could feel good about herself. Unfortunately I was one of her prime targets. My nature was empathetic thus she got a lot of ‘hits’ from me. Now I know it wasn’t my fault. There was nothing wrong with me. In fact the opposite, I was kind, loving and forgiving and her behaviour (silent treatments galore, neglect, ‘smear campaign ‘ about me to my brother and other relatives’) was her sick personality.

I am reading HG Tudors blog ‘Knowing the N********t’ very helpful in my healing. From it I can see that I never caused it (the abuse), I couldn’t control it (throughout my childhood/teen life) and I couldn’t cure it (the abuser).

But I can heal myself, from my trauma that I suffered, by coming on here and reading the other ladies posts. I can’t change or control what was done to me by my abuser mum but I can take control now and heal from the abusive effects of her ‘sick’ personality.

We can’t do it on our own in our own isolation and trapped thoughts in our head but if we bring them out into the light by posting on here, as you have done, then they will lose their hold over us and diminish in their Power to hurt us and continue to control our future lives.

Keep posting your thoughts and feelings Alone. This is such a difficult time for you. Please don’t try to cope on your own, alone. We are here for you.

[Alone]

I got so anxious yesterday that I ended up getting drunk last night, so I apologise if my responses don’t come across well!

Thank you for the replies. It means a lot when people take the time to respond. I agree with a lot of the things you have both said. I feel like every time I accept things and stop blaming myself, and even manage to put a positive spin on it, something happens to snatch it all away, and then I end up back feeling like it’s got to be my fault, to constantly end up in the same place.

I also agree that isolation can make progress very difficult. I used to always say that working things out for yourself is a great thing, but it means you only ever get one opinion. And because of abuse, my opinion of myself is very low, that I’m useless etc, and I discover when I mix with others that people disagree with that, and often (when I’m not having a meltdown like I am now) think quite highly of me. But I’m not around anyone who knows me, and no one seems to want to talk to me right now. Twice recently I have either overheard or been told of people using me as an example of someone who copes well, and comparing themselves to ME! Me, who is silently falling to pieces. Having friends, family and colleagues who believe in me really helps when I’m having moments where I don’t believe in myself. (But as I said, I’m not around these people anymore)

I was the same with my mum, constantly trying to understand and forgive her behaviour, trying to work out the secret combination that would unlock the understanding and mean she would treat me like a human being, as she did others.

I’ve got to get ready for work now, but I just wanted to try to reply quickly. I will try to find/check out the resources you have both mentioned. Thank you

xx

[EeyoreNoMore]

Funny how other people’s perspectives of us can be polar opposite of how we see ourselves. Maybe we should try and listen to them a bit more?!

Are you able to get some counselling? Something to help you through the grief of both losing your mum and losing your childhood? All of us are here because we’ve realised that reaching out will help us through the process, including you. 😀

Hang in there and take every day as it comes. We’re all with you xx

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