It’s just so painful…

[sensitive]

I’m having an awful day or days I should say…
I saw him [detail removed by moderator] and it made things worse. I love him so much I can’t even describe. And I feel he loves me as well but at the same time I’m so afraid of him.
If it’s just me I would probably get back and start again as it happens just once and maybe he learned the lesson (is it possible…?) but my daughter is with me and her father said if I will ever get back to my ex (the abuser) he will do everything to take her from me which is the last thing I want because my little girl is the most important person in my life!
It’s so painful. Why I love him still so much?! Why I can’t let go this destructive feeling. Since I know him my life has changed completely, I lost control over my life. Now I wanted to start with someone but nice who I met not long ago but I think about ex all the time. Does it make sense to start new relationship if I still have the man who hurt me in my heart? I hurt him as well but what he did was unacceptable.
I saw him today on one of this online dating app… My heart is in pain!
Please tell me you went through this and it’s gone with time? I can’t stand it. We are not together few months.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi sensitive,

Sorry to hear about your pain, yes I definitely went through this too, and it does ease with time. I heard a song today that reminded me of my ex, and it didn’t make me cry. I just felt a bit sad, whereas months ago I was bawling my eyes out if I ever heard it.

It sounds like you are trauma bonded to your abuser, which is very common, like (detail removed by moderator). It is extremely painful, experts liken it to an addiction. So you are in a sort of ‘cold turkey’ period at the moment. At this point it’s best to write down or type up all f the abuse, so that you have a clear record of it when you are feeling lonely and sad and tempted to call him. Eventually you will see things more clearly and understand what has happened to you.

If you re-read what you wrote above, you wrote that you are scared of him and what he did was unacceptable. You and your daughter deserve a good, abuse-free life, and it sounds like that won’t happen with your ex.

It might be best to take some time out to heal, read, talk to us on here, join a support group, have therapy etc before starting a new relationship, so that you are in a better place.

I would also definitely go no contact – block and delete him on everything including any dating sites. My ex was always on whatsapp during our relationship and told me he was talking to ‘his friends,’ but he rarely met up with any friends, and I since realised he was most likely talking to multiple women on it since I found evidence of him cheating. So I now do not use whatsapp and feel much better for it – it would be awful to see him on it and would set me back. It sounds like you are on the right track, just keep going and working through the pain and you will come out the other side a new person.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Cause it hurts like crazy, our head goes allover the place, we are so used to abuse , even when away we miss them , we have to wean ourselves of themselves, write down what he did to u , this was an eye opener for me reading it written down what i missed and what i didnt miss about him. Most importantly i hope it highlights how he shows no respect , read up on abuse, get counselling, connect with laddies in support groups, go and do the freedom course. i think doing all this will open your eyes to how much u were actually abused

[Alicenotichains]

Hi Sensitive,

I am in a similar situation with regards to the fact that if I go back with my abuser then I will probably have to fight my ex husband and social services to keep custody of kids. I found it helpful to imagine how I would feel if I lost custody of the children, how betrayed they would feel that i hadn’t put them first and how it would ruin their lives if they were removed from my care. Also if they had to watch any more abuse towards me I know they would be distraught and that would also be hugely damaging and would affect them forever. I am showing them how to have boundaries and stand up for yourself- even though I am finding it very hard I am doing it. Just focus on what is best for your child and you won’t go wrong. You have made the right decision- I too feel terrible pain at times as I loved my ex and still do but it is based on an illusion that he created for me at the beginning that he was my soul mate. My soul as it happened got destroyed in the relationship. He did so much psychological and emotional damage it will take a long time to recover and I know parts of me never will.
I once returned to my ex after an attempted split (he stalked me and I gave in) and the kids were devastated. I won’t do that to them again. I would rather cry every day for the rest of my life than make them suffer.

Anyway- keep going – it’s not easy but you are doing what is right and that is so important x*x

[Author]

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