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Hi, everyone. This is more of a rant than a question…
I have posted on here a couple of times about how my abuser’s (ex and we’ve been talking to get back together) more jealous behaviour… and it’s so exhausting. One day I think we are doing ok and we are very calm and sweet in our conversations. Then the next he starts out of the blue with these comments about other men that are or have been in my life in whatever level. I think to myself this is because we have been a part for a while, and I can justify it, and also reason to myself (and also a bit prompted by him) that once we’re together, it won’t be like this anymore. He just needs to feel like I care. He needs me to be there with him. Right?
Recently he started kind of insulting a male friend I have when talking to me. He has never met him. He also says that I played a part in the end of that friend’s marriage (when I barely talked to him then). He can be so arrogant and convincing in his words. He’ll say things like (detail removed by moderator). This is after I already agreed to distance myself from that friend just to appease him. I thought that would mean these conversations would stop, but they haven’t… Sometimes it’s not even about that friend, but it’s about other people. Like he even now makes “jokes” about married men I interact with at work??
He wants me to admit to his version of things and he won’t accept mine. And I feel like if I admitted what he wants, it would be easier… Maybe that’s the truth and I just can’t see it?
He’ll make it seem like he just wants us to be fully open and honest with each other, and I want that too. At the same time, I don’t even know what I can do or say anymore!I feel like sometimes I may be too appeasing, and say things in the nicest way possible when he just wants the raw version. But I don’t know if I even feel exactly like that? I’m trying to dance around the topic so as not to be too explicit, but I hope you can understand.
I feel like I’m in the wrong here, because I made him feel this way, and because somehow I can’t appease him or make this topic go away…
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It’s controlling and coercive behaviour and you’re changing your behaviour to appease him which is a huge red flag. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Contact your local womens aid.
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Hi, KIP.
Thank you for your reply. I’ve actually read that book, and am awaiting more info from my local charity.
I feel quite drained but also a bit unsure of how to proceed. I do like him a lot, and he triggers this feeling in me to be protective and to take care of him, to want to appease him. It’s so difficult to detach, or even to see these situations with strength!
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