It’s not your responsibility, baby.

[KindFlame]

(timeframe removed by Moderator) had a video call with my (age removed by Moderator)-year-old daughter. She was (situation removed by Moderator), and she said, “(quote removed by Moderator)” That might sound innocent, but I know those words weren’t hers. They were orchestrated—just like (timeframe removed by Moderator), when she randomly told me she wanted to go to her dad’s house.

At the time, I said I wasn’t sure if Daddy could have her. She asked him directly during a call, and he said yes. As soon as she hung up, she turned to me and said, “Mummy, actually I don’t want to go. Please—I’ve changed my mind.” And I told her, “That’s okay.”

I passed that message on to him too.

(timeframe removed by Moderator), when she repeated that she wants to see Daddy every week, I gently reminded her, “(quote removed by Moderator)” And suddenly her whole face lit up—her smile was as bright as the sun.

Just (timeframe removed by Moderator), she told me again that she had been at the pub. She’s only (age removed by Moderator). I keep having to remind her:

“(name removed by Moderator), Daddy’s sadness is not your responsibility.”

She hears this from me often, and I can see it gives her some relief. I tell her over and over again,

“You’re safe. You’re home now. If Daddy feels sad, that’s for him to deal with—he’s a grown-up.”

But it breaks my heart that I even have to say these things.

Her father cannot regulate his emotions, and instead of working on himself, he tries to guilt trip and emotionally manipulate her.

They’re middle-class, English, educated. 

And I’m an immigrant, often seen as less—sometimes even treated like a threat. I feel like no one listens to me the way they listen to him. I’m terrified of going to court. What if they give him full custody? What if they don’t see through the charm, the lies, the manipulation?

What if they hand over my daughter to someone who will destroy her emotionally?

I don’t know what I’ll do.

But I do know this: I will keep reminding my daughter that she is not responsible for anyone else’s sadness. And I will keep fighting for her peace.

 

 

Thank you for creating a space where survivors can speak freely.

I need to admit—I feel lost. I need guidance, someone in a council role to help me navigate this.

Because in my eyes, what he does is cruel, neglectful, manipulative, and abusive.

But when I look around—at my neighbours, at people I know—this kind of behaviour seems to exist in so many families.

And I start to feel like I’m the one losing my grip.

Am I really the only one on this street who sees what’s actually happening?

 

 

[InShock]

KindFlame I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your child..well done on being the safe, stable parent

Your fears and questions about custody are valid, and once, I heard some time ago that usually if there are no concerns about your care for your child who is living with you most of the time already, then it is not very likely for that to be changed much — but please seek advice from a lawyer! That would be very important to do firstly

[StrongLife]

Sorry you have to say these things to your child and your child had to be the bigger party.

You are right – they appear not to grow emotionally and just do all this hateful behaviour.

[Author]

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