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Hi to whoever reads this. I have a had a slightly better Saturday than the one before which was so bad and I really struggled without him. It is true what everyone says that no contact is the way forward but that come with it’s own pain. I still love him and miss him so much but there is no reasoning with him and I will always be on the back foot not knowing how he is going to react or what he is going to do next. I emotionally supported him and his family (mum, dad and brother) for months when he was getting sober. It was draining but I love him so much I would have done anything for him. I went through the detox with him and had the time before when he was drinking and how that was too. We’ve only been together (detail removed by moderator) and the abuse has been really awful pretty much over the past few months. The police interviewed him recently and we got in touch again to talk about what had happened. This all seemed to be okay and then I got messages from him very recently telling me I needed help and that there was no shame or embarrassment in it and that he’d had the help so he knows….he said several trained counsellors have told him I am the problem and I’m not well. Maybe we can meet up sometime he said to talk about it. He said he was scared about what I could do to him and his family and I need help before I do the same to others. After everything I have done for him, he got work through me after he stopped drinking and people started to trust him. How do you deal with that? I know he was trying to get a rise out of me but I didn’t respond. No energy to do so because it’s pointless arguing or trying to get my point across. He had wanted to meet up this week but his control thing was to message me at the last minute to see if I was free to go out. I eventually said to him to give me a few options when he was free as I was busy too. He didn’t like this obviously because it puts him out of control and the two dates he suggested I couldn’t do so then these messages came up about how I am unwell and he’s done everything he can to help me and it’s just not working…
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This sounds like your ex is still very much trying to control you any way he can. My ex partner tried to say the same things to me. I’ve done much research since and this is the classic behaviour of an abuser. He is desperately trying to minimise his behaviour and turn it around on you. To make you question yourself. If a professionals said it surely it’s true! But I assure you he hasn’t even seen a professional and they certainly wouldn’t be saying these things about you. Please stay strong believe in yourself. I know you say you love him and believe me I still am struggling with this too. However I read a post on here the other day where someone was questioning how their abusive ex could have loved them if they were abusive. The person responding said you may never know if they’ve did but if they did then there love wasn’t good enough was it. That isn’t love someone hurting you deliberately wether it be physical or mentally that’s not coming from a place of love. I know it’s so hard believe me but please consider no contact. So you can start piece yourself back together and not be on this merry go round any longer.
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Hmm, PTH, so you’re the problem, eh? So he was sober all his adult life right up until he met you but then hit the bottle and began a precipitous descent into alcoholism? Is that the story?!
Interesting!
Mine did a year of hard work on a perpetrator programme and he did change a lot, but now he tends to call it a ‘mindfulness’ course (not to me!) and suggests that I need to change too and would benefit from the course!
I just asked him how he thought I could trick my way onto a programme designed for violent men who have abused their female partners without being spotted. That stopped it.
Sounds as if he’s firmly wedged in denial and projecting more than a multiplex…
Best ignored, I think. I’m seeing a row of emojis weeping with laughter.
Flower x
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its classic gas lighting and projection – its easier for them on themselves to switch the blame – what a cheek. no therapist with a descent creditation would say this was your fault xx i dont believe the counsellor would say that when they dont know you xx BS honestly dont believe him xx
love diymum
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Thank you so much. I know that it is laughable and I can see right through it but it’s very hurtful because I have supported him so much. It’s ridiculous. I know that I can’t copy and past the three messages here but it was along the lines of he’s done everything he could to save us and that he’s worried what I might do to him and his family now. There is no shame or embarrassment in getting help and that he’ll always love me and want to do what he can to help. We all want you to get better he said! It’s completely disillusioned and to me reading that I think he is away with the fairies and mentally unwell yet he will present himself as this functioning beautiful charming adult to everyone at work. They don’t know a 5th of what he’s like and it makes me so angry. I love him so much and logically I have tried to reason with him and talk to him about the police visit and we both still love each other but he has made it impossible. He would message me at the last minute this week wanting to meet up and I have things on now because I missed him so much I had to start putting things in place to do after work to get me through and I am not cancelling those things on his whim to see me. He didn’t like that I wasn’t just jumping to see him and so he then sent those messages saying maybe we could meet up some time like the ball is back in his court. Is he really missing me at all as how could you be so blase about things if you really wanted to see and be with the person. Then I start thinking is he with someone else is that where he is getting his fix from now but he won’t tell anyone we are apart now and a lot of people know we are together so I don’t even think he is doing that. He is so cruel. So this is the thing and I have been told it time and time again on here but I can’t get my head around how someone can be such a beautiful person for months and hide the abuse and do everything for you and buy you gifts and be so attentive and go to concerts, cinema together, talk and talk and have great sex and everything that is a great relationship and hide the essence of who he is. How do you manage that at all? I can’t even bear to reply to those last messages that he sent (detail removed by moderator) because I wouldn’t even know what to say. He sent them knowing I was going out that night as that’s when he wanted to meet up but I was meeting my friend (detail removed by moderator)and I said no so he sent them to unnerve me so that I wouldn’t enjoy my night out yet he just goes off and works and works now with no thought to me and our time together, I just can’t get my head around it all and also what’s going to happen going forward. We have concert tickets in a couple of weeks time and do I have to grovel to go? Does he have someone else lines up to go, is he seeing someone else. Will he ask me at the last minute….it’s a complete head f..k especially when I see him almost every day in work charming everyone.
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He also throws quips in about my education and how I’m better at things. That smacks of insecurity and he shouldn’t be like that. It’s so sad, I love him no matter what. (detail removed by moderator) We were great in bed together but he also had the odd issue there that he would make a joke about but nothing that affected me and our sex life was amazing. He said before he doesn’t deserve what he has in his life and he thinks subconsciously he is trying to destroy it all because he shouldn’t have it and he has destroyed us.
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The ruining positive events really rings bells with me. Anytime I was seen to be happy or improving my life, he would pull the rug from under me. Try to get back in my head. Top position. The hair thinning was also something my ex would play on. Trying to illicit feelings of pity. It’s a game and they’re very good at it. It seems they all use the same rule book. Deep down these abusers come from a place of gross insecurity that they won’t admit but it adds to their behaviour x
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The other thing is, but I know he’s not rational, why not just send me a message to say he doesn’t want to see me anymore after the police thing and not to contact me again. He is keeping it stringing along. At least it would be definite then. Just say don’t contact me again and that’s it, he is free to do whatever and see whoever he wants to…
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