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He’s just phoned. Not happy. Says I’ve lead him on. Says I’ve not acted fairly. Says I’m living in the past and he can’t fix me. I asked him what was wrong with me that needed fixing? He said I need to stop living in the past…..it was a few months ago he was still using abusive tactics on me. He says he’s done all he can and its never enough and he will never be able to fix me and he can’t walk on eggshells all the time. He said I shouldn’t have said we would sort things out if I didn’t mean it. I tried to explain I did mean it but when he says certain things it triggers me and he said there’s nothing he can do about that, he’s being a better person and he can’t do more and it’s never enough for me. He explained the conversation he had more and he wasn’t putting down our friends child, he had started it and they had a bit of banter. I said that’s not how he had put it before. He said it was totally unreasonable for me to react that way to such a small thing. I said I would understand that if I hadn’t been through everything I had with him. He said I’ve made him look like a fool to his family because he told them he would be back in the house by (detail removed by Moderator). I explained I had no idea there was a deadline and that I felt he was putting pressure to go to fast and it scared me, I wasn’t ready for it. He said I shouldn’t have said I was ready. But I didn’t. I clearly said I don’t know how long it will be, could be a long time and I’d have to see consistency and him carrying on with therapy. I got very tearful and upset which seemed to annoy him more. I explained I didn’t want anyone walking on eggshells but it’s fact that what he did to us did happen and as much as I wish I could I can’t erase that from our minds. He said he knows fine well what he did but he’s changed and I’m stopping us moving forward. I said to him I was too upset to talk to him. He said fine, beye, and hung up. I’m a mess. Maybe he’s right? Maybe I’m fundamentally broken and I fixate on stuff that doesn’t matter? Am I walking away from happiness? X
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Oh no! He is just as sick as any of the abusers. Were you not walking on eggshells?
Now he is walking on eggshells. What a poor man, hahaha.I hope you get away from him for good. This man upsets you and confuses you and is an obstacle to your development and progress in life.
He will never be non abusive. Abusers are beyond help. They seem to get better for a short time and then they fall back again.
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Thank you Ayanna. You are so strong. I wish I could be. It’s the way he talked about “not being able to fix me”, he can’t help me, because I won’t let go of the past. It’s only a few months. He brought me to my knees. Should I really be able to just get over it and move on like that? On the one hand he’s saying I could have as much time as I need but on the other the time runs out at (detail removed by Moderator). (detail removed by Moderator) was utterly awful so there’s no way I’d want to be having him back living here then, it would trigger way too much and I can’t take holidays (detail removed by Moderator) so I’d have to leave my kids with him. My beautiful boys who can’t stand him. My daughter is very upset at the thought of moving again and it’s making me doubt myself. I just want a normal life, normal agreements/disagreements that don’t end in being controlled and stalked and bullied. I’m so worn out I can’t think straight at all. X
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Dear ENF, I think what you need to do right now is have an immediate break, the two of you, strictly no contact whatsoever. This will take the sting out of the immediate pressure and confusion. A good dose of NC on both sides, even 6 months. You can tell him this so that you both know the score. Then proceed with the sale of the house. If you and he are meant to be you can always get another house later.
I think its virtually impossible that a person will change to what you want so that you two will fit, due to therapy. It just won’t happen. You seem to be putting all your eggs in one basket, i.e him changing due to psychotherapy so that you two are happy.
You both need to stick at NC, if you are both in agreement to selling the house (i’m sorry if I’ve missed that bit), have the contact where you finalize the sale, have the break and then you will see things so much clearer.
X*X
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I know you are right HA. He’s phoned me (detail removed by Moderator) times in the last hour. After he said this morning he wouldn’t call again. My thinking was if the house is on the market that takes the pressure off, it’s not like he’s thinking he’s coming back straight away and if it takes a long time to sell and we’ve both had space and I’ve been able to heal a bit then next year take stock and see what next. I don’t even know why he keeps phoning, he just calls and angrily asks why I’m upset then tells me he’s upset at the way I’ve messed him about. When I ask why he’s calling first he said he needed something from the house, now he’s saying he will get it while I’m at work tomorrow, then he calls just to get annoyed at me being upset. He doesn’t sound upset, he sounds like the scary controlled him of before. I know what will come next, financial demands and guilt tripping. Im scared not to answer his calls as I know this makes him worse. He just then goes into overdrive by himself, concocting all kinds of scemarios in his head, obsessing about me and his to get to me next. It’s scary. X*x
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He wants to be back in the house by (detail removed by Moderator). It seems your concern for your own welfare and safety is messing with his schedule. If you don’t let him back in by (detail removed by Moderator) he’s going to lose face with ‘the family’. What a guilt trip. Does he think guilt is the key to the front door? I notice how you are always in the wrong with him. Not even that because, according to Dr Abuser, you are actually broken and unfixable. Well broken people need time to heal; a long, long, long, long time… but he doesn’t seem particularly interested in that.
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Your situation reminds me of mine. When you wrote he brought you to your knees. I have been there too. He is trying to do it even now. He’s trying to dismantle your sense of yourself and deprive you of what you need. you’ve told him you need space and time but you’re not getting it. he’ll find excuses to keep coming at you. his behaviour is very destructive of your wellbeing. He’s fighting for control. have you a local domestic abuse service you can ring and speak to an adviser or a local centre? they can guide you. he hasn’t changed. this is not the behaviour of change. this is still abusive behaviour. so please take care. I agree with the messages above. there is no purpose in continuing to communicate with him because he doesn’t share your healthy agenda. be wary of him finding excuses to come to the house please. xx
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Thank you so much for your support. Just finished my first counselling session in a couple of months as I couldn’t make it through the holidays. She just told me she’s proud of me, she was concerned I’d fall for it again but I’ve listened to my gut feeling and put in a boundary. Helped saying stuff out loud and realising how it sounds. Your right older lady. He’s destructive and driven by what he wants not love for me. It’s just so hard to stay strong with him. X*x
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Escaped not free, I too was told that I was unfixable – by an academic on benefits, too good to get his a.. up and work, hahaha.
I had to listen to hours of noisy tirades of the necessity that I change. But into what? I wish he would have told me. All he tiraded about was utter bs, nothing made sense.This causes just confusion and upset, it leads to nothing. He is deranged and the best you can do is keep him as far away from you as possible. Do not pick up the phone, let him ring. If he gets hold of you at some point react surprised and say that your phone never rang and there must must be a problem with the reception.
Just keep him at the furthest possible distance.
You need to focus on yourself and how to normalize your life again.
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