I’ve been in a hole.

[Tenerifeseaoth]

Hi,

It’s been a while since I’ve even been able to write but today I think I need some support (if that’s ok).

The past few weeks have been a blur. I can’t remember feeling ok or normal. I’ve had awful nightmares for weeks, every night, he’s in them. Him strangling me and me waking up gasping for air, being held at gun point and hostage by him, and even feeling him in bed next to me, waking up and generally believing he’s there. It’s got to the point where I’m scared to sleep.

I’ve recently in the past few weeks found out that he sexually and emotionally abused someone else too. Also, today i’ve found out that he’s got a new girlfriend, who he was seeing while he was with me. He moved in with family, it was about a (detail removed by moderator) drive away but this girl lives where I live and i’m terrified to see them or him around.

I can’t quite make sense of how I feel. I don’t want to feel sad but I do and then all of a sudden I feel angry.

Now looking back, I feel like from the beginning, I was brainwashed and made to think he was perfect. I have no trust in love anymore, no trust in anyone else and I find it really hard to trust myself. I thought I was progressing but finding out today that he was with someone else while he was with me, has taken me right back to the I’m not good enough stage. I’m struggling with my self worth, my confidence and I just feel all over the place. I don’t know what’s real anymore.

I don’t want to feel this internal damage anymore, I don’t want to feel lost or broken, but I do.

I also feel alone, just pure alone, even though I know I’m not.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to process it and I don’t know how to just start to heal.

I’m scared. I’m sorry if this is a lot and I hope its ok to post.

Thank you,
xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Tenerifeseoth

I’m listening, and we’re here for company and some non-judgemental understanding.

I can understand completely how finding this out could throw you way off course, its such a betrayal, on top of his abuses you were aware of, to now discover this is beyond words really and I’m sorry that you have suffered this also.

Its good you know who he truly is, but its such a lot to deal with and unsurprisingly you would be scared to sleep, can relate. Its difficult times like these that you need to be especially nurturing and kind to yourself, treat yourself in lots of different ways, take time for yourself and indulge yourself inwhatever makes you feel better. Time to be gentle on yourself and take it easy, as much as is possible.

We’re here for you and you are part of this community, and not alone in this.

warmest wishes
ts

[Tenerifeseaoth]

Hi ts,

Thank you so much for your reply.

To have support and to be listened too. I’m not quite sure how to get past this feeling or this part. I feel like I see him everywhere, but I’m scared to see him also. If it’s not his face I see, then it’s his car or his name. I don’t know what to do. He’s everywhere when I’m awake and everywhere when I’m asleep. I just can’t escape him or this. I feel like I’m going crazy. I can barely concentrate on anything and just finding the words is really hard.

I’m trying really hard to be kind to myself but I feel like I’m going backwards, fast. I’m so sorry you can relate to the sleep side of things, it’s so hard isn’t it?

Thank you for your kind words and I’m glad to have somewhere I can talk freely.

Sending love,
xx

[Twisted Sister]

hi

is there anywhere you can go, or anything that you can do that would distract you and engage you sufficiently to just have some moments away. Think of the most fun you could have in a day, what would that be? What would you need to be doing to just escape this in your mind for a little time at least?

It can be small things, not huge, could be a particular tune, looking at photo’s, doing some online searching, reading, listening to a book, a film, being out, even cleaning! think hard of what you find absorbing just to get you a bit of a break at the moment. You need a huge rest, and some peaceful times, and to feel heard too. Being on here can be a good thing, but can also keep things in mind, so do what feels best to help and don’t expect too much of yourself each day.

thinking of you and sending you peaceful and calming thoughts.

[Tenerifeseaoth]

Hi,

Thank you for your message and advice. It means a lot and I will try and find something that allows me to have a few moments peace amongst the chaos.

I hope you are ok.

Hugs x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, It sounds like finding out he was with someone else whilst still with you has triggered some old feelings. Mine also met someone towards the end as he realised I wasn’t having him back so he got himself a convenient new victim and has moved in with her and family.

Your ex will be working on her and the cracks will start to show. He won’t suddenly be all nice and normal in a new relationship, he did this before to his ex and to you… he will continue with his new GF.

Have you thought about speaking to someone about therapy as some of the things you are experiencing sound like PTSD (I am on antidepressants for PTSD, I couldn’t eat, sleep.. I smelt him, heard him 🤮 saw his vehicles) which is to be expected after being abused.

Be kind to yourself, use baby steps and take it hour by hour, you are processing a lot
❤️

[Tenerifeseaoth]

Hi,

Thank you for your message. I’m so sorry to hear you have experienced the same kind of thing, Its a c**p feeling isn’t it? I think with that and the fact it hasn’t even been that long is causing some unsteady feelings. I feel just a little bit all over the place with it all.

I worry about her and that’s playing on my mind also. He is calling me and his ex ‘crazy’, and I know that me saying anything to his new girlfriend will only strengthen those claims and I’m just unsure of what to do.

I am so sorry to hear you have felt and gone through similar things with that too and I hope that you are out of the other side of that now? I haven’t yet, but I am thinking about it… I can’t seen to get him out of my head and it’s just taking over.

Thank you for your kind words.
Sending hugs and hope you are ok also xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hey lovely, that feeling of not getting him out of your head is all part of the process of letting go and acceptance of his abuse.

It is very difficult and heart wrenching at times. Yes I am out the other side now but it took time, I had a trauma bond with my abusive husband which spanned for over 20 years. Initially it felt like I was going cold turkey, I craved him (even though I didn’t want him back, very confusing time). I am out of the FOG now and see clearly.

I hear you with wanting to warn his new victim, I had conversations in my head with my husband’s new GF, I wrote what I wanted to say to her down to get it out… now some months have gone by I no longer feel the need to warn her as I also know my ex has told her that I am mad, crazy blah blah (all he said about his ex when I met him… now it is my turn to be described as toxic as he blames me entirely. There is nothing you can do to protect his new GF, she will find out in her own time and hopefully will leave him.

This is your time to concentrate on you, if you need help/counselling maybe your GP could help? Or a DA worker?

Do you have support?

We are all here for you, keep reaching out x

❤️

[Hopefulgreyrock]

Omg, those dreams sound horrific. I’m So sorry! Have they got any better?

I found out about another girl too. But because I had started no contact I couldn’t do anything about it. It’s all bubbling up inside of me. I still loved him when I found out and it broke me. It also was the start of me realising who he truly was and what he did to me. But anyway, it was a while ago for me now. I’m still okay. I recognise your pain. I was in that place too. Please remember what you say is never, ever too much!!!! Ever. Please continue to write on here.how do you feel today?

[Hopefulgreyrock]

Just to add. I felt the same. Completley lost. Broken. Disnt known what was real. I still question stuff now. When he said that was that real or him love bombing me. Did he mean that or was it to manipulate me? It’s horrible.

The mobile as if the worst worst pain ever. I relay do feel you. You be got this tho. In 1 month, 1 years I dont know when but one day you will feel a slight bit better. Even if just for a second or a minute then It builds. You will find yourself again. I know you will. And i know you will because you were brave enough and strong enough to write on here. We can do it together. Write us back. X*x

[Hopefulgreyrock]

Also. In terms in healing. Try googling ‘womb healing’. Along with all this obvious stuff this helped me more than anything!!!

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