I’ve done it!

[Blossom24]

I’ve done it. I told him it’s over.

i have felt very conflicted since with the barrage of messages, pleas and now slight anger.

my girls had picked up on waaaay more of his controlling behaviour than I had realised and were unhappy.
I’m trying to stay strong and see what the next step is, I’m grateful I have a supportive family rallying round me but also this group who understands everything that little bet better than anyone else

wish me luck, taking one day at a time.

stay strong ladies x*x

[Karisqq]

Congratulations on taking the first step. I’m sure things will get better from time to time, since you’re strong, and you have your supporting network! No matter what happens, believe in yourself, your strength. More importantly, take care and be kind to yourself x

[Busymamtrying]

Hi! Definitely congrats and I hope things work out for you and the kids because I left a control freak (detail removed by moderator) ago and so happy for you that you have family rallying around you but be really careful and kind to yourself, I wish I could go back and tell myself that the abuse I experienced wasn’t my fault and to get help from my psychologist sooner. I had used alcohol as a crutch when I was with him even though he drank way more than me, he was able to make me feel so guilty and there was a lot of sexual abuse but luckily I got my strength together and left him because my kids were old enough and I’m now getting divorced but he’s still using maintenance as a threat and will not put it into my account out of total spite leaving me to pay everything as the kids are with me full time so if I had my time back again I would have gotten legal help earlier because I have a fight on my hands with trying to get him to pay maintenance weekly as he is one of those men that can’t be told what to do by a woman so fingers crossed I can get this sorted in the near future without things getting messy, hope this helps and makes sense xx

[Tsunami Mommy]

I filed for divorce about (detail removed by moderator) weeks ago. My husband knows I want out and he has and will continue to refuse me this. I have been saying, “I cannot do this anymore!”, for more than a decade. But instead, he is pulling the victim card saying because his parents had such a contentious divorce when he was young, that we can’t get divorced. I told him so many times to find a therapist or mental health practitioner to face this trauma he feels he endured as a teen. He is a covert n********t, so there is nothing wrong with him, ever. And he can never be wrong or should be expected to apologize for anything. He will never face how his parents’ divorce messed him up and continues to blame me and pour on the guilt because I choose to move forward with my life rather than live with an abusive n********t. I shouldn’t have to suffer for the rest of my life because he is a coward. I read a book suggested by a woman in the forum, “Why does he do that?”, by Lundy Bancroft, which opened my eyes wide to what I have been living with for almost two decades. Fear about how my kids will react to us divorcing is the excuse I was giving myself, as well as an insane amount of self-doubt. He has had me questioning my own reality for too long. What I know now is that the kids have been raised witnessing the abuse and living in a toxic environment, so it is my obligation to get them free of this too. It infuriates me that my kids have no clue what a normal, healthy relationship looks like.  My husband is an anti-social, withdrawn and an uninvolved father. My kids deserve better and so do I. He has kept us all isolated from my family and refuses to even have a relationship with them. He has kept me living across the country from everyone I love, and he took away all my means of money, so I have felt completely isolated, trapped and helpless throughout our whole marriage. The whole process of waking up from this abuse has been emotionally exhausting. I always knew something was very wrong and I have a sense of relief for finally being able to identify what it is and to know that none of this is my fault. I think I am at the anger stage of my grief. Angry for all those years lost, angry that my kids do not presently have any examples of what a healthy relationship should be, angry for all the lies and pain. Don’t let him gaslight, blame shift, demean, devalue, dismiss, mock, guilt trip, control, intimidate, manipulate and rage his way back into your life. He has done enough damage. Now comes a long road of getting this divorce completed and having to cope with his continued abuse and rage in the process. It means starting my life all over again from scratch, helping my kids heal, and healing myself. All of this is so hard to do when you are already emotionally exhausted and physically unwell as a result of living with prolonged abuse. Feeling empowered, thanks to this forum, and to the support I am seeking in order leave and heal. You can do this!

[Better-days]

This is so inspiring. Your strength is amazing. And reading your words has made me feel more empowered. Whenever I feel I can’t do it I will come and read this thank you xxxx

[Blossom24]

Thank you for your reply.

i keep telling him I emotionally checked out a while ago but he keeps begging saying he loves me so much and can’t be without me. Rightly or wrongly my brother is stepping in because my whole family have been worried about me and kids for so long and they only know the few things they’ve seen not what goes on behind closed doors.
I just want to be free to be an adult and enjoy life with my children, who deserve to be happy at home and see a really healthy relationship.
together we’ve got this ladies xx

[Blossom24]

I had told him I had emotionally checked out and didn’t believe his promises of changing and stopping drinking. He has made some changes but deep down I don’t think he has and the drinking he has only stopped in the house so is making excuses (for the children’s benefit) to be out.
I felt really strong last weekend telling him exactly how are felt but is dumbfoundness and begging has lured me back in a little. My older girls don’t believe it either and I feel I need to be strong for them.

why when you’ve been brutally honest can they still get round you? I fear having to have the same conversation again now

im just so confused, my head feels fried!! Xx

[tiredofitall]

I had the exact same thing happen when I told my ex it was over.  For years he told me how miserable he was and how I was the cause of all his angst and the reason that he couldn’t give up smoking cannabis and drinking.  But as soon as I told him it was over, he came up with a million reasons why we should stay together.  He tried all the tricks – constantly trying to make me feel guilty – my Achilles heel – by telling me how worse off he would be, how I was deserting him when he needed me to get better, he had nothing to live for and all that implied.  You name it he tried it.  Once he knew i wasn’t going to change my mind, the true colours revealed themselves and we had to live with him at his worst – aggressive and intimidating.  I kept notes and logs of everything that he did during that period in case I needed it and it was the hardest thing I ever did but I can say hand on heart, that I have never felt better than I do right now being free for over a year.  Our kids are happier than they have ever been not living in that environment anymore – that’s what you are fighting for.  You know the reasons why you made the decision in the first place and I’m sure that you’ve given him all the chances before, so why would he do anything now.  Stay focussed, you’ve come this far.    Sending all the strength to you!!

[Tsunami Mommy]

Tired of it all: I am glad you have been journaling and documenting your experiences and feelings as you have gone through this ordeal. I didn’t realize how much I have written over the years until I pulled the bulk of it out of hiding. A decade or more or pain and abuse, all laid out on paper. Re-reading these entries and letters was good for me. It reassured me that I am not crazy. I had the exact same feelings about this marriage way back when and I feel for the trapped and confused woman I was, (still am to in many ways). So, in a way, I am doing this for her. The woman who didn’t know why he treated me this way and didn’t have the strength or means yet to escape. Finding support is so important too. I filed for divorce (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t have any support then. I have learned that my family is here for me and who my friends really are through this. This time I am better prepared. I still have a long way in my journey. I feel like I am blowing up my whole life, but was the life I was living really a life at all?

 

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