Ive gone backwards :(

[Sparkle1]

After weeks of feeling quite strong I have been really struggling this last week I ended up going to see him [ detail removed by moderator] after having no contact since he left, I feel disappointed with myself because now I’m feeling that strong missing feeling he said all the right things that being away from me as made him realise its all his fault that he wants to get help and gain my trust and respect he has moved into his own flat now which is a first. Does anyone think change is possible if we live separately while he is getting help or am I just kidding myself? As I have said before there was no physical abuse it was all emotional which did make me ill and completely drained me, I am feeling so confused xx

[Ayanna]

Hmm, I am too unforgiving to abusers. I would never go back. If you crave for a man, why do you not try another? They are like sand on the sea, easily available and all the same stupid, some less abusive than others. Maybe you have more luck with another?

[tobehappy]

Hi Sparkle,
I don’t believe you can go “backwards”. You have just reached the next obstacle to overcome on your journey forwards. Keep on moving. You are going in the right direction…it just doesn’t always feel that way.

I too do not believe that an abuser can change. Keep working on yourself. Little steps will take you to where you want to be. x

[Sparkle1]

Thank you for your replies I think Its more about what I wanted to be we have only be married [detail removed by moderator] months I’m so sad and disappointed that it didn’t work but I know deep down I tried everything I could xx

[Red1]

Although I’ve never made it out for longer than 2 nights I have done the back and forth of “leaving” and he makes his promises of counselling be it couples or just for his anger issues. Once we have talked it over and I’ve settled back in, the promises are forgotten like a political manifesto.

You know him and I don’t, but I don’t have a good feeling about your ex, although actually living apart is a big step for you – I’d give it much longer, there’s no way he’s “changed” by now, yes people can but they rarely do and certainly not in a matter of weeks or months. Don’t worry that you’ve gone backwards, as tobehappy says it’s just a blip, an obstacle to overcome and learn from. You’ll get there x

[Sparkle1]

I think he knows how to play me he said that he would of let me go that he doesn’t want to be with me if I don’t want him anymore I said I had no choice you made me ill with his questioning accusing & silence doesn’t mean you just stop loving them because it’s not always bad but surely if they really loves us they wouldn’t make us suffer under their control xx

[Confused123]

hey hun

u really r better of without him, let him make the changes, doesnt mean u have to go back to him, dont feel embrassed cause your marriage didnt workout, it takes two to make a marriage to work, i tried for (detail removed by Moderator) years and still didnt work so count it as blessing u left early, less time of your life wasted, try and keep to no contact will make u stronger

[Natasha]

He made you will with his questioning, accusing and silence. I’m still living under the same roof with one like that. He’s sleeping on the sofa for nearly two weeks now. Just trying to get him to pay a bill today on email he replied “it can’t be that much, go back and recalculate”. Then “you see the thing is you make mistakes you see” constant unde undermining all over a bill that we both need to pay took ages for him to finally say ‘OK’. I heard him arguing with someone on the phone earlier re a contract or something still sounded full of anger/frustration. When we moved house the removal men complained about him to the office as he was ordering them around so I know at least it’s not only me but he’s clearly got issues. Now I’m just getting replies full of exclamation marks even on email he’s mean in his replies. Yeah I’d focus on yourself and doing the things you love. I know it’s easier said than done but we can only try to do whatever makes us feel happy. Stay strong.

[Ayanna]

I am glad you pulled the plug early in your marriage. There will come the time when you will be proud of yourself not to have stayed and endured the abuse.

[Princess]

So after feeling OK the last few weeks for leaving a complete horror, today I’ve done nothing but think of him, looked and photos of good tines, I’m side awake, definitely won’t make work, I feel physically sick I can’t stop crying what to do? But one thing I know I won’t go back, why why do I still love this horrible man is beyond me, I feel weak today help

[Serenity]

Hi all,

You might feel you’ve gone back permanently, but the road to healing is very complex.

There are all kinds of things you need to work through and lots of layers to peel away, and trauma bonding takes time to lessen its horrible grip.

But, by continuing to ask for support, you will do this.

It isn’t a step backwards. It is always one step back, then two steps forwards again.

No contact accelerates the road to healing x*x

[Sparkle1]

Thank you ladies for your supportive replies 🙂 I ended it because of how he kept treating me & i just have to ride the stormy days because I know deep down if he really loved me the way he said he did he would not have spent so much time punishing me, he could see how much his ways were affecting me I felt so ill & drained but he just had no fight in him to change he was more concerned about making sure I didn’t tell anyone how he was treating me and then preaching about how he would’nt fight for me because Im the one asking him to leave! I don’t think asking to be loved in the right way is so difficult because I know If I was the reason our relationship went wrong and I loved him like he was meant to love me I would of been fighting not making excuses & playing mind games I can see more clearly today he missed the big picture that he completely had all of me it was just never going to be enough for him because he is abusive, he never cared about me enough he cared more about himself and would rather loose me because he lost control and couldn’t keep me like a prisoner! the penny has finally dropped today I had a wobble but I’m feeling focused again xx

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