I’ve had a very rapid change of circumstances, and I can’t process it properly

[Brier]

Hello all,

I’m so sorry that this is the subject that brings us all together here. I’m (detail removed by moderator), and I’ve been married for (detail removed by moderator). I have two children, and I was living a white-picket fence life with my husband and kids. Over the last (detail removed by moderator) year old and my husband have really struggled to get on well. She was being disrespectful and seemed to really not want to spend time with her father. Finally, I asked her what was going on, and she admitted she wanted me to leave him, because life had become intolerable for me and both kids, and it had been escalating over (detail removed by moderator) My husband had stopped engaging or interacting with me and the kids. (detail removed by moderator) He was bad tempered, distant, controlling and combative with us all.

(detail removed by moderator) my daughter finally disclosed that she had been exposed to online pornography, through my husband engaging with (detail removed by moderator) models. (detail removed by moderator) and she has had to witness this because he wasn’t careful enough to conceal it from her. She had to live with seeing the images, and his responses to the messages and pictures. She had to describe the drooling emojis and engagement he was having with these models. She felt disgusted and betrayed, and she couldn’t bear to be int he same room as him.

I told my husband to leave, and changed the locks, because while I’m sure I’ll need to process my own perspective of his actions from a marriage view, all I felt was that he had subjected my child to inappropriate material, and it needed to stop. I reported him to the police (detail removed by moderator)

Since then, I’ve been exploring what my options are. I’ve implemented safeguarding via the police to keep the girls safe. Part of this process led me to learn what domestic abuse is, and I started to recognise for the first time that my husband is a domestic abuser. When I read the criteria for coercive control, it made me feel shocked. For (detail removed by moderator), this man has ruled my life, and my children’s. He dictates where I go, when, and I am not permitted to act without him accompanying me. He stays in bed late on weekends, and we all wait until he gets up, showers, and tells us what we are going to do for the day. He finds reasons as to why I am not permitted to drive my own car or take the girls anywhere without him. He controls the finances for our house, my prescription medication, what I do when, what we eat, and dictates my life choices. (detail removed by moderator) He tells me each month how much money I pay into our joint account, and I comply.

Since our children were born, I have paid for literally everything for them both. I’ve bought all their belongings, their clothes, their mobile phones, school money – everything. (detail removed by moderator) I’ve always done all of that, buying and wrapping gifts so it was as much a surprise to him, as it wasa to them, what they got for Christmas.

(detail removed by moderator) As I started up my car, he immediately got up and opened the window, to question what I was doing and where I was going. I took her, and she loved it, but I knew I would pay for it through his sulkiness, bad temper and potential to take it out on the girls.

My husband uses a range of mechanisms to control us. He shouts and fights with the girls, and with me, he subjects me to sulks, silence, and other emotional blackmail to keep me in check. He has controlled and dominated every single area of my life for years.

(detail removed by moderator)

My husband has now gone, and I’m sitting every hour with the horrible realisation that he has been a domestic abuser. I took the girls out last weekend, in my own car. I wound the windows down, which is forbidden in his car, and we just drove to a random place to find a wood to walk in. We took the dogs with us (not previously allowed) and found a public footpath, and we just walked. We found a beautiful field with poppies, and took the dogs off the lead (never allowed), and the three of us just walked, and I felt true joy. They acted like children (not allowed) and experienced real, normal, freedom. We came back with loud music playing, cranking it up (not allowed) and I wen through the car wash with them with the music blaring, because I need to relearn how to be independent again with my children.

Both girls are so much happier since he’s gone. My little one has barely noticed, but she’s smiling a lot, and my eldest is just so much more relaxed. She’s starting to talk to me for the first time in a long time. She brought her ‘boyfriend’ to meet me yesterday and it was lovely, and I approve. They are expereincing so many things that other children take for granted, now that he is gone.

Now, I need to process everything. I don’t remember who I was before him, and I don’t know who I am now, because every single day has been dictated by him, and his wants. He has never wanted to go for a walk with the kids and dogs. He only ever wanted to shop and spend money. I bought him everything he wanted, always. He would tell me what he wanted, and I would respond. As a result, despite having a highly-paid job, I’ve got nothing to start again with, I paid for his holidays, and I paid for every activity I did with the kids, and He would set his jaw and clench it if I asked him to contribute to anything. For example, if I bought my child an article of clothing, and there was another item in a different colour that she loved, I’d ask him to buy it. He would then be dramatic to display his resentment, putting whatever he was going to buy for himself back to make me and my child feel guilty – even though I know he could afford both.

He never understood what being a parent entails, and he certainly seems to have misunderstood what relationships are supposed to be. He’s broken me down into an empty, nervous shell of myself over years, gaslighting me and making promises to change, then reverting back to who he is every single time, for years. My edlest hates him and my youngest is oblivious, and neither miss him at all. I packed his belongings into a few boxes, absolutely shocked to realise that every piece of furniture, every plate, every towel – I purchased everything. He never did anything like fix a leak, change a fuse, clean the house – I have done everything for him and my girls.

It’s shocking that I’ve gone from what looked like the perfect life, to now realising, slowly, with horror, that I am now a survivor of domestic abuse. He was never violent to me and the girls, so I always let everything just continue until he made me break by harming my eldest child.

I don’t know what my next steps should be, or what my rights are – I’m coiled waiting for the fallout and not quite sure where to turn.

Thank you for listening to me, it’s a weird release to express all of the above. Sneding you all so much love and strength for what you have all experienced.

[Better-days]

Your post touched me. What you have done is extremely brave and like my situation it’s all verbal abuse and it messes with you so much I’m so happy for you and your girls I hope one day I am in your position x

[Brier]

I am so sorry you’re experiencing a similar situation. I hope you can get out of it – it’s a really challenging situation when there’s no violence, but they just control you with their words and mind games. Since he’s left the house, I’ve been growing in confidence – I’ve learned to do things quickly to keep the girls safe, and it feels like every day I’m getting a bit taller and more confident. You can do this, I promise x

[wildgeese]

Brier, you have done a very brave and wonderful thing. And your children will be forever grateful.

I had a similar experience in a way, a long marriage and no real violence- but verbal, financial, psychological and sexual abuse. This is harder to detect when you are in it. But like you, one of my children told me to leave him and it shocked me to the core. Unlike you, we left the house, as he wouldn’t leave. And we never went back. (detail removed by moderator) years on now, we have relocated to a different part of the country and started again. It is still hard at times to fathom what happened and to see myself in my new identity, but I am much happier and so are the children. There is grief too and I am still grieving what i thought I had. When I have hard days, I remind myself how much I have achieved.

So keep going! It really will start to get easier and this forum is so helpful as you realise that you are never alone.

[Brier]

Thank you for your lovely message. I do believe what you mentioned about my children – I’ve been shocked how quickly and easily they’ve immediately adapted to him not being there. We’ve been dancing, playing loud music, and TALKING all the time. I’ve got closer to my eldest in just a few days – I’ve discovered so much that she didn’t feel able to share with me when he was here, because I was unwittingly chastising her to be respectful to himn, without knowing the burden she was carrying.

My husband wouldn’t leave on the many occasions I’ve asked him to, previously. It did take my child saying she had had enough of it to get me to make him leave. I am so sorry you lost your home, but so pleased that you and the kids got away from it. I do know that I can do this for the kids, because when my eldest needed me, I didn’t think, I just acted to make her safe again. It’s amazing what we are capable of when we need to step up and do the right thing on their behalf.

I;m so proud of you, for what you did, and so glad you feel happier and you escaped from it. x

[Bananaboat]

Well done! It takes a long time to unravel what you’ve been through but seeing your kids thrive is worth it. Time is a big healer and I found myself randomly smiling at time without realising I hadn’t smiled for ages. My biggest tip to you is to realise, that white picket fence family you describe – YOU built that. He needed you, you didn’t need him to thrive, so don’t worry – stop, look around. You’re the amazing one here x

[Brier]

You know what? You’re completely right. Every lick of paint in this house was applied by me. Every bit of cleaning done, the garden, stocking the food cupboard, every appliance bought or fixed, everything my children have, their clothes, their books – I bought all of it. It (nearly) made me feel sorry for him when we were packing his belongings up, knowing that he has nothing now, because I want to keep what I have purchased for this house, because it belongs to me and the kids. He has nothing at all to show for the past years, other than two children who don’t care whether they ever see him or not again, and a few boxes of clothes and books. I can’t imagine being in his position right now – my children’s love is everything to me, and keeps me going, and if I lost or compromised that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. I know really that he will be busy in his own mind blaming me for this, but I hope one day he has the clarity to look back, realise that me and the kids were just genuinely kind, decent people, and he threw it all away for his own immediate needs and wants.

I’m not the one that the police and Safeguarding team have stated concern with – he’s done that for himself. It made me feel proud when the Safeguarding contact said that the police had given a ‘glowing’ report about me and my home when I reported him, and the only concern they have is any unsupervised contact with him. I wonder if he has the ability to recognise that he threw away everything that mattered because he didn’t control his behaviours?

Thank you for your kind words x

[Author]

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