I've left

[I.dont.know.]

So I executed my plan and got out but good god I didn’t it to hit me quite so hard, I can’t stop crying I’ve had panic attacks. The guilt is awful and I can’t go no contact because I still want him to see his kids coz as much as a horrible person he was/is to me he was always nice to his kids and they want to see him.

[KIP.]

Well done. It’s going to take a while to adjust. When a man abuses the mother of his children he abuses his children. The children are how he will continue to abuse you. Please listen to the other stories on here. It’s early days and you’re still very very vulnerable. You can use a third party to facilitate access but if you want to avoid pain and manipulation then please do not contact him yourself. Let him go through legal channels and you should also have a legally binding contact order asap. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Do no carry his guilt for him. That will leave him guilt free. It’s his fault you are all in the position you’re in. You will grow stronger much quicker with zero contact and far less likely to be guilt tripped or hooked back in. He will also use the children in front of you. If he cannot see a reaction from you he is less likely to act out in front of the kids. Kids should not be exposed to such nasty selfish dysfunctional violent personalities. Just because there is a biological connection won’t protect them.

[Itwastimetostopit]

The guilt is awful but it will ease. You need to maintain no contact. It will clear your mind otherwise he will continue to bother you.
Will try make you feel sorry for him and that won’t help with how your feeling right now.

I have only maintained contact through a solicitor. If you have a third party I advise you do this.

Well done on making this step. It’s big but you’ve done it.

Might be bit early for him to have contact with kids. He may use them to manipulate you.

[Starla]

Well done. I will, I hope, be in a similar position soon. You have come so so far, you have taken so much, you can get through this, and life will be better. I’m also worrying about how contact with the children will work. I want it to happen but I am anxious about organising it and handover.
Take care x

[Lisa]

Hi I.don’t.know,

You’ve taken a huge step and your feelings are completely valid. It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions, from guilt to confusion to a feeling of loss. You have nothing to feel guilty for however, you are not responsible for him. His abusive behaviour is the reason you have had to take this route.

Try to be kind to yourself and take it day by day. Remember the simple things, like eating well, getting some fresh air and trying to get some rest. You can always call the 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247 for someone to talk to, they will understand your feelings.

Please do take note of the good advice above regarding contact. He will unfortunately use any contact he has to continue his abuse. Take advice before making any decisions.

Keep posting, there’s always support here.

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

What you’ve done is absolutely massive love. It’s no wonder at al you are now feeling this way. This will calm, but just now its the build up of everything that you’ve been planning and angsting over in the run up to actual doing it.

I’m so glad you and your children are free of him, its not easy to do, but you done it! You really have. Now the challenge is to keep it that way. To stay away, to keep you all safe from him.

You all need a rest.

I want to add too, that it’s one of the last things a mother actually sees is that he is also abusing the children. I’m so many of us has thought them good fathers when they really are not, so don’t rush to contact and plan any carefully. I think there have been a run of posts recently about how fathers try to just use children to get what they want, whatever that is, ad you can be sure they will be exposed to some full on emotional blackmail by him, also blaming you for breaking up the family, when in fact his behaviour is what has led to your action to keep you all safe.

You have made a huge leap, it will feel scarey while you catch up with yourself and take stock. Be good to yourself, you are hurting, ttreat yourself with kindness and gentle care.

Warmest wishes ts

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi I.dont.know. that is so great that you have got out, you are very strong. I had a similar reaction when I left. Terrible grief and trauma, it all comes pouring out after being silent for so long. It can be so hard because you can’t control all the crying but you still have to function and be there for the kids.
I am still waiting for counselling but I find it helps to do slow deep breathing when you feel the tears or anxiety starting to rise, or if your heart starts to pound, and gently breathe through it. If it gets worse think about seeing your GP, in the end I had to go on antidepressants but they have really helped.
Take care x

[Anonymous]

Hey, You’ve gotten over the worst hurdle. The advice above is great. Third party for communication, negotiations through solicitor. This all takes a very long time this way and it gives you breathing space. These guys usually do give up to a degree eventually when they don’t get a reaction. Look at it like taking oxygen from a flame it goes out. I know its hard to believe that trying to reach no contact is not in the best interest of your children. In these circumstances your hand is forced. Its not in the best interest of the children to be witness to this type of behaviour. Take a step back, let him do the work now and keep him as far away from you and your children as possible. stay safe and take all the support your offered. big hugs to you xx

[Author]

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