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I’ve left.
I can’t believe I’ve actually done it!!
Now for the hard part – I’ve got to stay away. We are only a few days in and the pull to go back is strong.
He is trying hard to win me back. I’ve stayed strong so far but it is not easy.
Ive promised myself I won’t go back but I am missing him so much. It’s like none of the bad time’s matter and I can only see the good. I feel bad that I’m hurting him and throwing everything away that we had.
Im so scared of what my new future holds. I feel so weak without him. I’m already thinking life would have been easier if I’d stayed.
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Well done you! The early days are hard and I know its nice to romanticise your old relationship. You need to remind yourself of what you escaped. I know some people write lists.
I like to say things like ooh! I can put the washing to dry when I want. Ooh! I can listen to whatever music I like. Or, if I’m feeling dark, I remember how I used to lock myself in the bathroom for safety.
Eventually you won’t need this, but it helps buffer your determination at the start.
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B****y well done!
Now whilst its still fresh, write down ALL of the reasons you left him. All the bad things he did.
Try and put the good to one side now because the good stuff doesn’t erase the damage of the bad.
Going back, despite promises (has he ever actually kept to any promises to change before? ) will mean that at best you get what you always got…and you had to leave that. At worst…and the most likely scenario I think, is that he improves for a little while and then gets worse because now you scared him by leaving. Got to increase that control. Got to break you a little more.
Next time around if you had any folk supporting you that haven’t been through DA themselves, they may not support you again. They don’t get it. They don’t get the damage they do to us…the self doubt. The head f*ckery. Excuse my French.
If you got out in secret last time. He will watch you like a hawk. Escalation.
You are not weak my love. Despite all that he put you through, the damage he did, despite the fear, the unknown, you still left. That doesn’t even come close to weakness.
What you’re going through…its like quitting cigarettes. Its horrible but it needs to go for the sake of your health. It will want to pull you back in for a while, because its what you know. Habit. But you can build new habits. Better patterns. If you allow yourself the time to do so.
If you go back you are unlikely to be stronger next time. Chances are you’re going to feel like a fool and your self esteem takes a massive hit and now you blame yourself even more because you chose to return knowing what was waiting.
Or at least I did.
Go no contact if you can. He can’t confuse you if you’re not listening x
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…”any contact left me feeling like i was back in the depths of hell again” was something i read quite some time ago. because they can very suddenly turn if their manipulation fails to work (my own experience). and it can help to think that any attempts to win you back arent because they love you – its nothing to do with them missing you either. what they do miss though is the control. and the pain/agony you are now experiencing only proves just how trauma bonded you are & trauma bonds are not formed because of feeling loved respected safe & secure – they are the result of things like fear exploitation shame betrayal helplessness & hopelessness
i hope cherries reply helps you a little. dont look back. dont look ahead. just focus on the now & getting through each day as best you can. stay strong because you absolutely can get through this x
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Well done! I have also just focused on taking one day at a time and that has really helped.
Each day I try to make one step towards the life I want. Some days it’s really hard and it’s all I can do to stay where I am , other days I manage to move forward quite a bit. After quite a few months I can look back and all those tiny steps look like quite a long journey now. -
Thank you so much for all your replies, it really means a lot to me that you’ve taken the time to help me. My family are being supportive, but they don’t really understand — I think unless you’ve lived it or seen it, you just can’t truly “get it” the way you ladies do.
I know no contact is the right path, but I’m not quite ready yet. I need to take things one step at a time. Leaving was the biggest step, and deep down I know this sudden niceness is just his way of trying to hook me back in. I’m waiting for that anger to arrive — I think that’s when I’ll finally be able to go fully no contact.
I had to leave without a lot of my things, so at some point I’ll need to face going back to collect them — if he lets me!
Today has been a slightly better day. I’m trying to be gentle with myself and keep reminding myself ‘this is not my fault’
Im definitely going to make a list of all the bad stuff — I think that will really help, there’s plenty to write down!
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I did take quite a while before I could go no contact. Some of it due to practical details and some of it because I didn’t feel ready.
I do believe that we have to do these things in our own time, as long as we understand the weak points and risks involved.
It really helped me to have someone I could share all his communications with, who could talk me through it when it got tough. There are times when it’s mighty hard I have to say.In my case, he was relentless and tried every single trick in the book to get to me. Sometimes it got through to me. That’s when I needed a friend to talk to about it.
One thing that helped me somewhat was to promise myself that I would never reply in the heat of the moment…always gave it 12 -24 hours before I would reply. Usually by then I could see the manipulation! -
Hi and well done in leaving! I just quickly wanted to share my experience as sometimes it’s not as easy as just leaving and cutting contact. It took me (timeframe removed by Moderator) months after leaving till I finally went no contact and involved the police. In those (timeframe removed by Moderator) months, he tried his best to get me back and very nearly did – what you will find is that the distance you have now put in place will help you. You have given yourself space to breath and think whereas when we are with them it is constant and our brains have no time to reflect.
I spent (timeframe removed by Moderator) months of blocking and he would always find ways to get me to unblock, mostly his daughters and as I did not want them having the burden of dealing with him, I would unblock him to try and help. Now I know that they have also walked away from him so even they had to go through the motions and I think part of it is knowing you did your best and you have to go through the grieving process.
Wish you all the best, give yourself time to heal and remember you are the most important person in your life and he will use every tactic to try and get you back, empty promises, manipulation, lies etc xx
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Thank you so much for all of your supportive messages. This forum is helping me through this journey so much.
I had texts bombarded at me with apologies and false promises for a few days, then poof! I haven’t heard a peep off him in days! Is it wrong that this makes me sad.
I’ve been so close to making contact, but I’ve managed to refrain from doing so. The urge comes in waves and I tell myself each time that the moment will pass – and it does. I keep telling myself it’s all part of the trauma bond and I just have to ride it out. Some days I feel completely numb. I just don’t feel anything at all! These days are much easier.
I’m feeling a little confused by his silence! His silence scares me. I desperately want to keep thing’s amicable, but am I being ridiculously naive here to think as that’s even possible in these type of breakups.
I feel like a verbal attack is on its way because I haven’t checked in to see if he’s ok…even though this is all his doing.
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I heard a lovely story from a domestic abuse counselor. She said is there anything worse than seeing a snake on the floor in your kitchen. Yes. When you look back and it’s gone.
That has stayed with me.Not knowing where they are and what they’re doing is awful.
Plus it suddenly leaves us with terrible silence.For me there was several months of having to be really strong and remember why I’d left, I’m not going to lie and say it was easy.
But easier than finding myself ten years further down the line, and stuck in a miserable, abusive relationship, ten years older and ten years less able to build a new life for myself. -
its why i made the comments about any contact because all this does is allow them to continue controlling you/your emotions. you will be anticipating contact from the person & when you are manipulated by the love bombing you will feel better (temporarily). but when theres silence it will be unnerving causing completely different thoughts & emotions. this may have been exactly how you felt when still in the relationship – positive thoughts/feelings then very negative ones (the up & down of dopamine then cortisol etc).
sometimes their silence can be a way of making you give in & contact them – because you are too unsettled not hearing from them & also because you are craving those good feelings. and if you are to then make contact they have achieved what they wanted & have proved to themselves that they are still able to control you. in the early days i actually felt extremely fearful if i didnt respond so would eventually give in just to reduce the anxiety & feel as if i had some control of the situation – it was an attempt to keep myself safe
sadly i think its a big risk attempting to remain friends with someone toxic because it leaves you vulnerable to being abused. and some abusive partners suggest this purely for this reason.
just be kind to yourself at the moment because trying to deal with their behaviour at this stage can be so exhausting x
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Completely agree minimeerkat. Complete no contact is the best and quickest way to move forward and get out from under their toxic influence. The few stretches I’ve had of no contact I healed and moved on so fast.
I was obliged to stay in touch for practical reasons for some time, and after that went no contact and he just keeps finding new ways to contact me which aren’t as easy to block. -
But, the thing is. If you’re scared of them. If there’s actually a part of you that thinks they could very well do you harm. And, let’s be honest, that’s not a crazy fear is it? Bearing in mind how many women are killed by their ex partners returning ( not to mention the MANY more injured). Is it better to have some kind of inkling where he may be, and what his state of mind is. Exactly the snake in the kitchen situation.
I thought I may be being a bit paranoid, but actually I have family members who have said they think it’s worth knowing where he is. Yes, of course, the price to pay is to have occasional toxic waste poured on me, but I suppose that’s what I meant by understanding the risks involved.-
hello evenserpentsshine it must be very difficult for you still having to deal with unwanted contact from your ex partner – i hope that you can remain as strong as possible for as long as you need to. within my replies to this lovely ladys post i have only tried highlighting the effects (emotionally) of having contact with a partner we have recently separated from. even admitting that it felt safer for me initially to continue responding to that contact because it is very individual how we deal with this situation.
many women have to remain in contact for different reasons but that doesnt prevent them healing – its just possible it will could prove to be more challenging thats all. so yes although it might be a better choice to go no contact which can then help eliminate the additional turmoil this brings (as well as severing any trauma bond) if it is not a possibilty for whatever reason healing is still achievable. stay safe
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