I’ve left, but more and more is coming to light

[Blossom24]

Hi everyone. Not really sure where to post this, but looking for advice, support etc…

I left my husband of (timeframe removed by moderator) in (timeframe removed by moderator). He was controlling, emotionally abusive and my oldest children were noticing and unhappy as was I. It has been really hard at times but definitely the best thing as everyone feels safer and happier at home.
however, just before Christmas my eldest daughter opened up that her stepdad (my ex) had touched her (detail removed by moderator), he used to do the same to me which she wouldn’t have known the details about,  and when I told him to stop he’d say things like ‘(direct communication removed by moderator)’ ‘(direct communication removed by moderator)’

we have both made reports to the police and are doing our statements soon.

can anyone offer any advice please? I’m very scared of the repercussions from this

[EvenSerpentsShine]

This sounds like a really upsetting experience, you must be feeling very worried.

That your daughter now feels safe enough to open up about this experience must make you feel so proud that you got yourself and your children to a safer place.

Is it the repercussions from your ex that you’re worried about? Or from the whole ‘process’ police, courts etc?

[Blossom24]

thank you for responding

Her being happy and open now definitely reinforces that I’ve done the right thing.
she has been super brave and it’s her that has made me file my own report, I probably wouldn’t have bothered otherwise.
I think it’s the repercussion from him and his family that I’m most worried about. I stopped contact with him but quite frankly his sister (that’s meant to be a neutral third party for child arrangements) is no better.
the police and the court process isn’t going to be a good one and I really worry getting justice for her

[swanlake]

I’m so sorry for what you and your daughter have experienced. I’ve had support in the past from Rape Crisis as well as my local domestic abuse services. It’s been possible for me to access all kinds of support from different places so I would say ask for as much as you need or want to try.

Organisations like Rape Crisis and Victim Support employ Independent Sexual Violence Advisers who might be able to help with emotional support and all the other things that you deserve to help with coming to terms with your experiences. Depending on how old your daughter is now this could be places like Barnardo’s for children. They all seem to have different funding for different workers with different age groups, which is complicated when all you want is a safe place.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I haven’t got personal experience of the police and court system but the thing is that once you’ve made a police report ( and honestly, you couldn’t NOT report it could you? Imagine how that could have impacted on your daughter) then it may well be out of your hands. I guess they will prosecute whether you want them to or not if they feel a crime has been committed.
I was just reading the Lundy Bancroft book and was really interested in his clear belief that there is no’ being neutral’ in abuse cases. If you take a neutral or ‘on the fence’ stance you’re actually taking the side of the abuser. This is clearly also true for child abuse.
Would this be helpful to bear in mind when dealing with some members of his family I wonder?

He also talked quite a bit a how badly served many women have been by the court system in the past, and I don’t say this to depress or worry you but just to back up swanlake’s suggestion that you get an army of support behind you. Talk to all the people she mentioned and as many more as you can.

There are many thousands of women on this forum standing behind you if that helps at all!

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Ps. Also just another thought: could you explain to her right from the start that it could be a really painful and difficult process for her, and use it almost as an educational experience. Does that make sense? To use it as a time to explain to her about societal values and almost take an ‘I expect us to lose but we need to stand up for what’s right’ kind of approach to it. So that she has low expectations but what she may gain from it is a real solidarity with you ( and the others who hopefully will support you both) and valuable life lessons? In that way the outcome could always be ‘positive’ even if it’s negative if you know what I mean!

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