Ive Reported Him Done A Video Interview Given Evidence To Police Now I Regret It

[Random.]

So I finally reported him to the police.
It was the hardest decision I’ve had to make & I’m really not sure it was the right one but it’s done now.
He’s in custody now & won’t be getting out he’ll be getting remanded because of how many times he has broken his bail in the past.
I’ve also found out that one of work colleagues has been to the station today to make statement & they’re asking my friends for statements also.
I had to do a 4 hour video interview yesterday it was the most emotionally draining things I have EVER done & I’m so scared for what’s next!!
I’m having an alarm installed in my house, they are also giving me 2 other types of alarms..
I just never thought I would ever betray him like this, I’m so scared for him.

WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!!

[Wants To Help]

Random,

You have done something AMAZING and incredibly BRAVE. You have taken back control of your life. You have NOT betrayed him, it’s him that betrayed you for treating you the way he has.

You are clearly a HIGH RISK case as the Police are putting all the protection measures in place. He is being remanded (that’s great, sorry if that offends you but so many abusers get out on bail and commit further harm or murder when on bail), so the authorities are now making it their responsibility to protect you. The statements to gather evidence from friends and family are probably to build a case of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour, which carries a 5 year prison sentence, as well as any physical assaults and injuries you may have suffered.

The most successful cases I know for the recovery of domestic abuse are the ladies that work with the authorities and let justice take its course. I know it’s not an easy route, but if you don’t engage and withdraw your support for a prosecution then you may end up back with the life you had. This is now your chance to break free from that life and look forward to a new beginning, daunting as that may be, is it possible it will be a happier life for you?

Don’t be scared for him. He’s only getting what he deserves. Did he ever show any compassion or empathy or care for you when he was doing those things to you that made you afraid? I guess not. He is responsible for the situation he is in now, not you. If he hadn’t have done what he’d done there’d be no reason to arrest him.

Well done for going through with it. You are also a part of this process now and a part of the outcome. The choice is yours. Make the right choice for your own health and well being, not his.

[KIP.]

You haven’t betrayed him. He betrayed you every time he abused you. Let the authorities deal with him now because you can’t. It’s out of your hands. If they’re giving you alarms they may be thinking he will get bail again. He’s not your responsibility and this time he may well learn that he is solely accountable for his actions and there are consequences. Something he’s never had to face before. Just keep yourself safe and gather a support network round you.

[Random.]

People keep saying brave or courageous & while those words are incredible I just don’t even know why this time. Honestly I haven’t got a clue. I was wreckless but sort of in a productive way I guess.
Thoughts just stopped being a normal, logical process so long ago I guess I just went with
if I don’t do it now, I’m not concerned for me but the next person.
It takes losing all respect or sense of yourself sometimes to realise you just don’t give a flying f**k about you but I will never let that happen to anyone else to be the kick start.
That’s why when people say those words I’m thinking I’m just the lowest I could be, I don’t even exist anymore inside so it can just be the total disregard for anything you’re doing for you.
It doesn’t feel brave doing it. It’s terrifying, bizarre & just intrusive but what else have you got to lose then right?
Everyone else that has rallied around, honestly I can’t put it into words but people that you didn’t even think realise the torment that you were/still are going through actually are the people that will be there without judgement for true support.
They were the ones watching from afar & when they realise they have an opportunity to do what’s right for you when you feel ready, please lean on them they are very rare but also very genuine people to come across.
I hope all you fantastic women feel free at some point, you all so deserve to be happy.

X*X

There’s also now more ex’s, I knew about certain incidents but some are so historic it’s way beyond what I knew.
It’s terrifying.
You think you know someone…

[KIP.]

Hi, I remember being called brave and feeling like a fraud, when for me it was pure self preservation. It boiled down to him or me and I made the right choice and you have too x

[Random.]

I really don’t think I can do this

[KIP.]

Yes you absolutely can. You have lots of help, please use it. Victim Support, Women’s Aid, the Police, the Samaritans. Time to gather your strength and hold him accountable and put an end to his abuse.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Random,

What is it you can’t do? Break it down, what exactly is the ‘this’ that you can’t do?

Is it the thought that by telling the truth he may go to prison?
Is it that you don’t want to be on your own and have to start a new life doing different things?
Is it because being with him is better than being with no one?
Is it because you are now minimising everything, thinking you’ve ‘overreacted’ and he doesn’t deserve to be punished for what he has done to you?

Think very hard about what you want your future to look like.

You are currently holding on to those lifelines that can get you out of your ‘pit’ of despair. You have grabbed those lifelines for a reason. The reason being you were fed up of being in that pit, or those ‘depths of despair’. You reached out to grab on to something that could help you out. Your lifeline you are holding on to at the moment are the Police, maybe another one is a DA Support Worker. If you let go of them now you are going to drop right back down in to that pit again. Is that really what you want?

The journey from Denial to Recovery is long and hard, no one ever said it was easy. You’re on it, you’re well along the way.

Don’t let go now Random. Believe there is a better future for you, because there is.

[Random.]

I now you’re all so right but I’ve been finding out more & more as times gone on.
He’s had a massive past of abusing women some even worse than me. I don’t care though I want him back.
I can’t bare the thought of life without him. It’s like I can’t breathe!
I’ve been listening to recordings I’ve taken of him & even though its mostly him being absolutely vile & threatening etc I don’t care I just miss his voice I want him close to me I just can’t cope seriously I would give anything to see him.
Police have said even if I retract then all these other charges are building up which could mean he won’t be let out before the investigations & court cases of the other charges anyway. I just want him back I can’t function without him. I wish I never started any of this!!
Does anyone know if I can get any contact with him whilst he’s on remand, they won’t even tell me what prison he’s in!! Don’t I have rights about what I want?!
I know I could fix him, if it is that he’s definitely cheated then I don’t care I will make him promise never to do it again. I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else ever again, he’d have to promise me that!
I don’t care what happens to me I just want him back.

[KIP.]

You might not care what happens to you but there are lots of people who do care. You may want him back and are prepared for him to hurt you again but what about the others he has hurt so badly. The other lives he’s destroyed and will continue to destroy. You’re still extremely vulnerable and trauma bonded to him. You cannot fix an abuser. How many years have you tried? Use this time of separation to heal yourself, to spend time on yourself, looking after yourself. Ask yourself why you would want someone who deliberately hurts you And enjoys hurting you. He doesn’t love you. As humans we crave what is normal to us even if that normal is hurt and pain and abuse. These cravings will pass if you can just stick to zero contact and find a way forward with support of those around you who truly care. He sounds a real nasty piece of work and a real danger to women. Be kind to yourself in the meantime x

[Lisa]

Hi Random.

I just wanted to show you some support. I know that Wants To Help and KIP have given you really supportive replies.

You really have done the right thing, this man sounds dangerous and it sounds like the police are worried about your safety.

Unfortunately, you can’t fix him. He will continue to behave this way, you have given him many chances and he chooses to be abusive. The recordings you are listening to of him being horrible to you shows you how badly he has treated you, he has no respect for you, and you don’t deserve this. You are worth so much more.

Please get as much support as possible, as this will help you to stay strong. I do not advise you to contact him, this won’t help the situation in any way.

Please keep posting to let us know how you are

Lisa

[Wants To Help]

Random,

You are not in a good place right now. Your self confidence, self esteem, sense of self is at rock bottom and it is very concerning. You have possibly been abused and degraded to the point where his intention to totally demoralise you has been completed. This reaction and way of feeling is due to deep trauma.

You NEED to care about yourself. Having him back will definitely put you at further risk of harm. You need professional help to understand that. You cannot make this man promise you anything. Even if you do, he won’t mean it. His word means nothing, he’s proven that many times. This is a violent man who is violent to many people in society. YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. Please understand that. I’ll say it again.
YOU CANNOT FIX HIM. There is nothing you can do to change this man at all. Only he can change his behaviour, and he’s got to want to do that. Men like this never want to change, so they never change.

You are very deeply trauma bonded to this man and you need to seek help for that. This may take time to get appointments and some lengthy counselling sessions, but see what is available.

If you do get back with him when all of the legal process is over that is your choice. It’s a very unwise and dangerous choice, but I know that adults make risky decisions in life and we have to accept and respect that. You know the risk you are taking if you have him back. The Police are putting everything they can in place to protect you, if you choose to waive that and still contact him, again it is your choice. In cases like this, the Police may issue warnings to you to tell them they cannot guarantee your safety that you have to sign and accept that.

I have worked with ladies who are High Risk cases. I have seen the dangers, I have listened to their stories about ‘how he has changed’, ‘how he deserves another chance’. I have not seen happy endings. Tragically, one of them was murdered.

We can only give you the best advice and information we can. The professional services can only help if you want that help and are willing to engage. At the end of the day, the final choice is yours.

[Scapegoat]

Hi Random, I read your post a couple of days and haven’t been able to stop thinking about your last one. It took a lot of guts and I would imagine,Being on the end of a lot of abuse for you to report it to the police. When you did you found that this wasn’t the first time and he had done it to others. Something inside you flipped and you made the brave decision of phoning the police. Now you’re scared, used to the terrible life you’ve been living I can imagine you feel empty, numb, confused? But you think you’ve betrayed him despite what he did to you. I called the police (detail removed by moderator) years ago then was too frightened to press charges, the police weren’t particularly helpful and I was so scared of what I’d caused, I felt terrible and a day later I went back to talk as he was threatening to take his life and here I still am. He has thrown it in my face again and again for what I did to him ( called the police). He hasn’t changed in fact he’s worse but not as outright physical if that makes sense but mentally and psychologically abusive to the point where I have wanted to kill myself. I cannot make the move to report him as I am worried I will hurt him, upset his family, make him have consequences, etc. I get completely that you feel guilty but does he for doing it to you- no, course not. He may sweet talk you and say he’s sorry it will never happen again(interestingly mine never did this) But you know it will again and again. I’m not trying to be a cow or hurt your feelings but you will never fix him. Do you know I went to counselling to try and be a better person, to try to learn to stop reacting to his abuse, to try and be a better wife. My counsellor told me immediately that the problem wasn’t me but him and I would never fix him. I’ve been trying for a long, long time. She told me I had Stockholm Syndrome, Trauma bonding, PTSD and that I was attracted to the wrong types. Sadly I stopped going as my oh was being possessive and I couldn’t even cope with going out to my appointment.
So please think about yourself, think how courageous you have been the last week. Think about the life ahead of you. You will get through it. You’re bound to miss someone you’ve been close to for a time. Please listen to others on here and look after yourself and plan ahead for a new chapter of your life. Much love 💕

[Author]

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