I’ve started to think about dating – not now but the possibility of it.

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi ladies I hope you’re all well and enjoying your weekend. I’ve started to think about dating again. It’s not something I want to do right away but it’s a possibility for the future. I think it’s best to think about it after I’ve finished my counselling and when I feel comfortable that I can recognise a healthy relationship again. I don’t want another arranged marriage and I definitely do not want to get married quickly. I’ve only told one friend about this I haven’t even told any of my family. But I just feel soooo scared about it! I’ve achieved so much since I left him, I’ve started moving on with my life doing the things I love and feeling like myself again. There’s still a lot I want to achieve before I settle down but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. Does anyone have any advice they could give me? I’m thinking of doing the Freedom Project online too x

[Beenherebefore]

Hi Positiveandlookingahead, I rate the freedom programme as a good place to start. Listing what you will not tolerate from a partner and reminding yourself of this. I was scared about dating and so took everything slowly and spend alot of time sussing them out before I trusted them Xx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi there. Thank you I wish I could do it face to face but I won’t with work commitments. I’ve definitely decided I won’t be telling any man I was a victim of abuse and I won’t say I’m divorced until I feel like it’s affecting us getting closer. I think I’m in a better position to now know what I want and what works and what doesn’t because I’ve been married and I know what I’m willing to compromise on and what are deal breakers to me. I will definitely do that about the list of qualities I want in a man. It’s the next step of my life but this time im in control of what happens and if there are any red flags I’m going to cut the guy off! An snif of thinking he’s superior, not thinking women have a voice, or if he a smooth operator and very good with his words and seems like he can talk himself out of anything he’s gone!!!!! What happened when you started dating? I hope you don’t mind me asking but I feel like you’ll be bets person to talk to because you’ve been through what I’ve been through x*x

[Beenherebefore]

Hi Postiveandlookingahead , It absolutely sounds like you have your head screwed on and are making your safety your priority which is really positive. The red flags and trusting your instincts is also spot on I think. For me personally, I had a think about the men I had been drawn to in the past and I think made a conscious effort to go for someone different to that. I also used friends as a sounding board and kept them in the loop of my dates/ what he was like because they had (since my abusive relationship) read up also about warning signs. My view of a healthy relationship was very distorted so using my support network in the dating process really helped. I took it slowly as I say and spoke to him online a little first but found that it was better to ‘read’ his behaviour by meeting up.people can easily create online personas which can also manipulate which I wanted to be careful with. Eventually you may want to tell him or you may not. I have found that some issues left over from my past have been better dealt with with his support. But that’s obviously further down the line. X*x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi there. I’m not ready!!!! I just burst into tears on the phone to the Samaritans. I’m really strong and a very positive person but I think deep down I’m still quite fragile! I’m going to consider this when I’ve completed counselling and done the freedom programme and I think that could be a year, 6 months who knows but I don’t need to put a time limit on it. I’m Indian so I find my culture is pressuring and in their view being married is the ultimate goal and I’m not getting any younger so I feel like there’s so much to contend with!!! I feel that I would be able to spot the signs again but I don’t think I’ve focused enough on myself yet. I just want to go wild being a good sensible Indian girl made me naive and really if you think about it it didn’t really benefit me! I feel like sticking up two fingers to my culture and focus on the things that are important to me. I just feel so confused at times! Where I’m going, who I am, what my future is. I just need to take a step back and focus on the here and the now! I’m going to really work hard in my gym class and get some frustration out there! It’s been a shot while since I got my clean break from the Solicitor so it’s bought feelings and emotions up so im back up on the lower part of this roller coaster journey after feeling so high x*x

[Beenherebefore]

Absolutely!! Only you know when you are ready and you don’t need to put any time limit on it, that’s the great thing because everything is your choice now. You are number one and focusing on you is a great idea. I have found so much strength in looking after myself and putting my priorities first. I found little mental help available so invested time and money into one on one counselling which lasted for over a year. It was the best investment I’ve ever made in myself as it dealt with loads of conflicting issues inside me as well as my abuse. It must be difficult with the pressures of your culture too but when I read your two fingers up comment I thought, here stands a strong woman! Do what’s best for you, no rush, no pressure. 😊 hope you are ok and have made yourself a cup of tea, sounds like you have had an emotionally exhausting night xx

[Lyng]

You will know when you are ready. Everyone has their process. It takes time though, and a certain understanding of your own needs. I do not live with my boyfriend. I am not ready for that and neither are my kids. But it’s nice to be with someone who never yells or insults me. He is kind, and patient, and when we disagree we talk it out. The simple things become monumental when you’ve lived with abuse. You will know the right person when he or she comes along.

[Nova]

Morning…PaLA and ladies…interesting & topical!

..yesterday, I went out for the day with a guy I met, keeping very much at arms length for obvious reasons.. basically I wanted to test the water just another stepping stone, even if it was only a day out.

I couldn’t let my ex force me into not connecting with any men at all…like he’s still controlling me. I see all the things I do as a virtual retaliation against him. Which is what I need to help me move forward. How dare he control me and my mind to such a point that even my options are taken away from me.

I felt extremely nervous sick inside and he was just being ‘normal’ I was jittery and talking too much …however I just took a deep breath and knew that I was safe, we were outside most of the day.

There were lots of triggers and I was a bit upset as intense memories flooded back to me of my ex ( the good ones)…a bit surreal the emotional confusion is obviously still pulling me back to my ex…(I’m not going back but tough+++)
It felt a bit uncomfortable on the train back, I was watching his behaviour (I did not want him close physically I sat opposite him purposefully distant!)watching like a hawk listening to his words, picking up on any comment I wasn’t comfortable with and challenging him…my right!

..questioning his ‘agenda’ I kind of felt I was expected to kiss him … Though I thought seriously I’m just NOT doing anything that is ‘expected’ of me anymore…I’m breaking my own stereotype of myself over the last few years! Hope this makes sense ladies!

I thought what would I do with my ex ?Then virtually did the opposite…with supreme willpower shoving me up the butt!LOL

..came home and listened to some empowering Lauren Hill songs like ‘I used to love him’…then went to bed alone! Yay!

Hope this adds into the mix of the chat re dating experiences! #movingforward

🌻 Cx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi ladies thanks so much for this! It really helped. @Cuppa I think I’ll be exactly like you! I will be watching like a hawk there is a lot I see but I don’t say I’m very good at holding back now. I remember something I think @KIP once said about not giving 100% to a situation. I just had one of my low moments because like you Cuppa he used to try and scare me into thinking I wouldn’t get married again he actually would say that my parents would happily let me rot in their house for the rest of my life because in his sick twisted mind he thought my parents didn’t love me and he definitely didn’t think they had my back!

@Beenherebefore and @Lying I said to myself that this year would be all about me. There are times where I think I need to get myself out there but I think I’m very in tune with my emotions and my feelings and I now realise that if there is something that doesn’t feel right then I can’t go through with it. I learn how to listen to my inner gut now. People get married later in life I felt like a prisoner in my marriage I shouldn’t have to feel as though I have to feel a prisoner again because my culture and society dictates when a woman should marry and when she should have her children by! We have so many outside things which put extra pressure on us I just need to learn to accept that I am divorced, I made the right choice and being a certain age doesn’t mean I here to be with a partner! I’m newly divorced so it’s a lot to get my head round.

There are things that I have to try and deal with it isn’t easy. Moving back home is a very difficult one. I feel like a child and I feel being divorced a whole lot more because I’m not in my own place. I love my parents deeply and I’m so thankful for their support but I feel like being at home holds me back but then I know I am still fragile I need the support. My life is so confusing right now because this was not part of the plan. The plan was to marry, stay married, build a life together and have children and now none of that has happened and I have to figure out what it is I want! I feel that my own place will give the freedom to breathe, to live on my own terms but I also feel scared because he moved me so much and isolated me that living alone scares me. I need to start thinking big about what I want because I’ve made all the small steps and the only way I can see the future is if I start making steps to create it! He’s shattered my dreams, my hopes and ambitions as a couple and now I have to be in control, I have to continue being independent and I have to stand on my own two feet. I can’t rely on anyone but myself my parents won’t be around forever.

@Cuppa I hope you are ok it sounded like such a terrifying experience! Have you heard from him and will you be seeing him again? You are so brave for going for it I’m so proud of you. What does your gut tell you? @Lyng I love what you say about your partner he sounds adorable 😊. It’s good you’re putting boundaries in place and you’re going at your own pace. I hope one day I’ll be able to move forward like you.

@Beenherebefore thank you for your support! I’m starting counselling thorough my GP then I’ll pay for one through women’s aid if I need more help which is specifically for abuse. At the moment I need a safe place to let my emotions go and then the women’s aid counselling can help me with the red flags and getting me ready to start dating again. I’m investing in myself by investing in my health. I go to the gym regularly, I do yoga to relax my mind and I am working so hard at work that is my security! Not being financially dependent on him was a huge pro to leaving him and my career is a huge way in which I can look after myself. My career is my present, my future, my vision. I think the only way I can move forward is to think of myself 100%. Thank you so much all of you x*x

[Nova]

…well PaLA. hugs to you for being brave and moving forward! You have come a long way and you deserve your freedom as an independent individual person on this big planet of ours!

Big or small steps all make a difference, .. all in good time, as my mum would say!

‘The date’ umm My gut tells me don’t take this one any further…that guy maybe ok in many ways, a friend perhaps?!..he seems to tick some boxes…though I’m sensing he’s quite needy from what I picked up on, so no PaLA I won’t be taking this any further!
Though I reckon all stepping stones and empowering, as I’m facing some of my fears, simultaneously challenging my ex’s words.
He also used to say hateful spiteful childish things like, who’d want you…blah blah blah..I’m not absorbing his rubbish I’m trying to get back into my life, my world.. not his.

Keep posting your thoughts so good to share our thoughts and experiences, + we are raising awareness!

Go lightly on yourself your doing your best.

Hugs 🌼
Cx

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