Just a query

[Munchkin04]

Does anybody else’s partner have toxic thoughts. Mine does and it’s gets personal but none of it’s true it’s in his head. I don’t understand it and he gets angry with me for not understanding. I try and listen but it’s so untrue and I defend myself then it becomes a war. Now he’s not talking. I’ve tried to calm things but to no avail. His thoughts started (detail removed by Moderator) and I sensed things weren’t right (detail removed by Moderator) but carried on as normal. I asked if I’d upset him he said no. He said it’s his head. I asked him if he wanted to talk. Nothing. Then he tells me that if I knew he wasn’t right why didn’t I go to him. I told him I get anxious. He tells me I should have told him that. Then he picks on things. It’s all because he has so low self esteem and feels worthless. But now because I defend myself against this voice in his head I’m in the wrong. I have apologised. I do t understand it I really don’t. My (detail removed by Moderator) was beaten up (detail removed by Moderator) and he hasn’t even asked how she is. He’ll say it’s because we are t getting on. What sort of human can’t even ask their partner how their (detail removed by Moderator) is. I feel so resentful today. He switches off from me every argument like he has no feelings. I hate him sometimes. Is it normal to not even ask how my (detail removed by Moderator) is somebody he is supposed to love.

[Lisa]

Hi Munchkin04,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. What you described sounds really exhausting to deal with. you mentioned that he has toxic thoughts- abusive men have no respect for women and feel entitled to behave in this way. There is no excuse for his behaviour and you are not responsible for this.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Bananaboat]

Is it a bit like when they tell a joke but excuse it as not their view, or my ex used to have this couple he’d say we’re doing things he disagreed with as a way of telling me stuff he wouldn’t accept. Probably not explaining very well but by saying it’s in his head, is he trying to excuse the bad thoughts so you can’t say ‘what the hell that’s not ok’ because it’s his mind, not him saying it? I’m sure there’s a term for this but can’t remember it.

When he stops talking to you, for godforbid having a different view I’d stop talking to him too, don’t try and avail him or fix things. He’s stonewalling you so you’ll apologise or comply with his view. Enjoy the peace if you can, let him come to you instead of chasing him.

As for the last bit I hope whoever was hurt is doing ok. You’re right it’s awful that he hasn’t asked or cares if you’re ok, but sadly it’s very common in abuse. How dare you or someone close to you have anything going on that’s more important than him!! As Lisa said, it sounds exhausting. Hope you’re ok xx

[Author]

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