Just had bad counselling- where is the good stuff??

[Muddyboots]

I just had a session with a counsellor who said she had experience with abused ppl, but then was taking the perspective “well this is the first time he’s hit you, it’s really out of character…we should get to the bottom of what has changed for him because you’ve been together a long time and he’s never done this before”.

This is the 4th time I’ve had horrible experiences with counsellors who, even when I’ve been describing clearly abusive frightening behaviour, have never helped me see what is happening or figure out what to do or how to heal.

I’ve tried the abuse helpline, and been directed to services that are full, don’t help in my area, only help in acute cases. And every time, it takes so much building myself up with my heart pounding to try and ask for help and every time it doesn’t work out. What am I doing wrong???

[Empoweredhealing]

I’m so sorry! You haven’t done anything wrong.
My therapist didn’t recognize abuse either. Most counselors are not trained to treat or diagnose abuse. They are mainly trained in mediating communication issues between healthy, non abusive partners.
There are good counselors out there. I don’t know about access to resources in your situation so can’t help with advice on it. But what I can say is that if you see that the counselor does not fit your needs, it’s ok to discontinue therapy with that person. It took me several tries to find a good counselor. Not all therapy are beneficial unless it’s with the right therapeutic relationship. We know that couples counseling with the abuser is harmful. But individual therapy can also be non effective if not with the right counselor. While you are searching, continue reading and watching videos of therapists who understand abuse. This can be an important source of validation and healing in itself.

[Muddyboots]

Thanks for the reply, it gave me the strength to try again. It’s so draining trying to find the right therapist. Just explaining the situation to a new person wipes me out for the day – what videos have you found most helpful?

[Empoweredhealing]

I liked Doctor Ramani on YouTube. She talks about n********m a lot but don’t let that turn you off. The entitlement that cause abuse is universal and she’s particularly insightful. She’s also compassionate and will not tell you what to do. Only give you information that can be a powerful force in your healing journey.

[KIP.]

Don’t wait on a counsellor to give you permission to leave an abusive relationship. Women’s aid did more for me in the beginning. To help me realise I was being abused and to plan a safe exit. Contact your local women’s aid. They’re the experts here. You have the power to do this. One incident of abuse is enough for a divorce and one incident of abuse is permission to walk away. Abuse always gets worse x

[sweet4]

Muddyboots, i like your profile name.:)
I know exactly how you feel
The counceller i went to see, she just sat and stared at me, which was freaky.
Plus all i did was cry.
I did see a lovely lady, who understood everything i said.
So i hope you find the right fit for you.
Cant your GP refer you?
Keep posting, there are lovely ladies on here, dealing with similar issues.
x

[Muddyboots]

Thank you ladies! It takes so much energy to reach out for help, doesn’t it? I would never have guessed that…I feel like the system isn’t really geared up to acknowledge that, so it requires endless calling and form filling and waiting for responses, and each of these takes away a little piece of you. I guess it’s not that shocking considering how underfunded most things that just effect women are, but it’s still just feels like another form of abuse in a way…

[Anonymous]

Hi Muddyboots,

I went for counselling as a teenager and hated every second of it, it made me feel so depressed I gave it up in the end. Times have changed and I think there is different types now. Iv just signed up through my employer for a solutions based therapy, so it doesn’t focus on the past but looks at the present and what you want for the future.
Maybe something to look at? I think you gave to try different therapy until you find what works for you x*x

[Author]

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