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I haven’t posted for a while, I think I’ve been trying to pretend everything is ok, this life can be ok but I feel this mounting tension that I know it isn’t. I read posts on here and can pick out all the threads that run through my life, all the behaviours that just aren’t right and I have this sense of panic that I have to get out. I just don’t know how to do it. When he is being controlling and angry and making me feel so useless and dishonest for the smallest thing I just want to run away but somehow it always comes back to how awful he is feeling, how low, how everyone is against him and suddenly I’m comforting him, saying I’m here, I won’t leave. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all because it definitely doesn’t in my head.
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Makes perfect sense to me.
I still tell myself daily that its ok i can live like this way its not so bad. I read plsys and my heart breaks for the ladies on here I wanna just hug and help them all then i think and i read again and i realise i could also write what they are writing and i realise that maybe its not ok maybe i cant keep living like this but like you I wont ever leave. So yep I totally get it sweetie and am sending you a hug. Keep posting keep reading and learning, always believe in yourself and always have hope. X -
We are people, we all deserve a safe, happy life. These men are stripping away at our very souls and it’s beyond cruel. I believed that the more I gave, the more he’d care! I have been used and abused to the brink. Now, enough. Try not to let the fear keep you stranded with him.stayin is worse for you. You deserve to be happy.we all do.
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It makes total sense. Somehow they always turn it around so you are either to blame and/or they make you feel sorry for them. I think they do this more when they sense maybe you are detaching a little and/or they are trying to regain some level of control.
My one is always showing how he views the world as against him. That he views himself as this special person – so talented – and worth so much more than most other people. It is quite sickening. I don’t understand why anyone feels the need to be better than anyone else. In my opinion, this belief he has hides the fact that he has a very fragile ego and sense of self. So he bolsters himself by putting other people down and convincing himself he is better than them.
The control thing is his way of trying to make himself feel big and better too.
Like you, I also swing between almost being resigned to this life and alternatively wanting to run. For some time now I’ve been in the ‘desperate to get away/need to run’… the logistics are the only thing preventing me really. The staying is often because he makes me feel guilty about abandonment issues he has or remembering the very few good times… it sometimes seems a lot easier to stay than deal with the fall out of getting away.
In reality, I’m miserable every day of the life I’m spending with him. I’m scared. I never feel good enough as he constantly puts me down. I’m exhausted because he never helps. I know I’d feel a 100% better on my own… being able to make my own choices and to live life the way I want… feeling safe and secure.
Just ask yourself if you would be happy to find yourself still with him in 5 years. If the answer is no, take time to slowly plan your escape.
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Great advice, it’s what I did and realising the answer was no I don’t want to feel like this in 5, 2 or even 1 year’s time helped. Having a significant birthday also prompted my mind to go hang on, you only get one life and you and your kids are missing out & are miserable. Baby steps to learn about abuse, find out your options and plan ahead really help. I used to Google what if any help/benefits I might be entitled to even though I had no plans to leave at the time so at least I knew I’d be ok, then built it up to look at houses, support groups and so on until one fight too many happened and something inside me snapped and I realised I was ready to leave. Then the leaving itself has taken months but I’m so much further ahead in my journey thanks to starting here and taking it one step at a time – you can too 🙂
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Thank you – it’s frightening how many similarities there are in our stories, the common threads. This makes me think it’s not all in my head but also terrifies me that I can hide from the fact that it is an unequal therefore abusive relationship. I seem to constantly have this mantra in my head ‘try harder’ but it’s so exhausting. And it’s what I’m teaching my children whether girls or boys. I’m frightened to Google things as I’m worried they will come upon other phones/laptops…is this likely?
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Hi Everhopeful321,
Just thought I’d suggest to have a read through our Cover your tracks online page to help with safety online. It talks through how to use private browsing mode.
It sounds like your instinct is telling you to get out of this relationship, we all understand how difficult it is to make it happen for many reasons. Have a think about contacting our Live Chat to chat through your options with a Women’s Aid support worker in confidence.
Keep Posting,
Lisa
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Hi Everhopful321
Its really not in your head, and its harder for you to hold onto that whilst you are still so close to him, as, like you say, he plays switcheroo all the time, one minute this way the next another, its exhausting to keep up with how you’re ‘supposed’ to be! Yes, try harder, or just make it stop, are two very common responses to abuse.
Lots of relationships are not equal, and a lot harder on the women who seem to manage everything, take responsibility for finances, running the home, housekeeper, nursemaid to everyone, 24/7 wraparound care for children/partner, but its a whole other layer on top, being abused aswell as all that.
Its important to hold yourself in higher esteem, value yourself and prioritise your needs; even if you cant do that to him, hold on tight to that inside, that you are worth so much more, and so are your children. It is real, it is frightening, and you can make plans, even if you don’t act on them immediately, have a plan. WA can help you stay safe whlst still there, and a first step on staying safe online is to only ever open a browser page using the ‘new PRIVATE page’ for incognito browsing, so that no history is kept and he then won’t be able to see where you’ve been and what you’ve been doing online.
Each woman makes the break, whether they leave or he does, in their own time, there’s no moment that is the same for all, we all come to that point in our own way and time. sending strength and energy to you for your efforts.
warmest wishes
ts
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Im at a stage where if I’m here in 6 months, that’s too many wasted months. However I still doubt I’ll do it. Convinced myself yesterday I was going to do it, despite the logistics. Then woke in the night, my brain going round in circles. And now I know I wont do it today. I’m so disappointed with myself. What I’m determined to fo this time though is not mention I want to leave until I know I will do it. Its so comforting to hear other people have got out. I want to make giant steps but going with baby steps for now!!!!
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I think that’s part of my problem – I spend an awful lot of time defending myself, arguing that I’m not hiding anything, I’m honest, I’m truthful, I’m not talking to people behind his back. I’m constantly questioned whether I’ve had messages off anyone, has anyone rung me, so trying to plan to leave behind his back seems to make me as dishonest as he thinks I am! It honestly feels like madness sometimes
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you need to know that the rules change when he starts to abuse you, as he’s no longer your friend or got your back anymore.
So you then, and always, have to turn to yourself, and not turn yourself inside-out trying to appease the unappeasable. You will never be able to appease him, thats on him, not you.
You don’t have to worry about looking after yourself, never, and if that means lying to someone who is against you, then this is what you have to do to protect yourself. Its something that took me a long time to realise, that you can lie, it doesn’t make you dishonest, in certain circumstances you have to protect yourself, and if lying means that then lying is your priority. Please accept that you are not a bad person for having to lie sometimes, especially where he is concerned.
Please don’t beat yourself up over this, its important to maintain your own integrity, and you don’t owe him your inside-out, you don’t owe anyone that.
warmest wishes
ts
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@everhopeful321 God how I feel your pain so much. I really really do.
Please take your baby steps when you can. My clear thinking brain tells me that, but I’m so utterly muddled right now I can’t put trust in myself and can’t keep pushing forward to actually start separation proceedings.
It’s like quick sand sucking you back in all the time isn’t it. So draining. But I’m sure you can do it. Keep posting and reading and try reassure yourself. You deserve to be happy. We all do. x*x -
Thank you all. I used to talk to my mum a bit about this but I’m at the point now that I don’t. I don’t want her to worry, I try to tell her that things are better, because she says just leave – I just don’t understand why I can’t, why I can’t see any way of putting me first or worse, my children, what sort of a mum does that make me? Sorry I feel pretty low today
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