Just to talk

[nbumblebee]

I’ve not posted for a while. I don’t feel I deserve help anymore. I’ve been stupid so stupid. A few of you who’ve been here a while may remember i had reached out to a professional who was helping me navigate my husband and our life. Things started to get friendly and whilst I have not in any way touched this person he has me and we have talked alot about things we shouldn’t. I’ve allowed it I’ve encouraged it I even enjoy it. But this man often picks me up and then sets me back down ignoring me for days telling me I’m a fake, that I enjoy being sad that I have chosen to stay with my husband who can be a bit mean so that’s my life. Some days this professional is lovely other days he is so mean and as with my husband I’m left hating myself.

I’ve been poorly and my husband has been OK fairly ok. I’ve been home where he likes me. Now I getting back into work he is again moaning shouting and making life hard as he doesn’t want me working. I can run around after him but not work no. Then a small incident happened really daft and I saw how angry my husband gets for once it wasn’t at me but I saw how he flies off and so did one of our kids. They said how they thought their dad needed help with his anger. (Kid is an older teen) it shook me to my core.

But I feel it’s too late now I had my chance to go last year and I didn’t so here I am stuck. I have no reason to leave he isn’t as nasty anymore so I must stay but I still walk on eggshells I still can’t forgive and now I know I don’t even deserve help after what I allow to happen with this other man. I’m stupid I’m selfish and I’m wrong. How can I ever deserve help ever deserve to be happy now?

[Lisa]

Hi nbumblebee,

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it has helped to post about how you are feeling and what you have been through. You absolutely deserve to be happy- you don’t have to stay in a relationship if you are unhappy. This also stands for friendship of any kind- if it is having a negative impact on you then you don’t have to stay in the friendship.

It can feel very overwhelming, confusing and exhausting to know what to do, there is support for you to help you along the way with making a plan when you feel ready.

You deserve to be happy and to live your life. The help will always be here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[nbumblebee]

Thanks lisa I just feel so stupid so selfish so alone. What has happened to me? I would never have even thought about another man even when my husbands behaviour was so so bad. I don’t know what has happened. Why am I like this? I’m so stupid and don’t deserve any help.

[tiredofitall]

Sorry to hear that you’ve been suffering.  It makes me sad to hear you give yourself such a hard time.  It sounds to me like friend/professional was supposed to be safe space for you and its turned out to be just as harmful even if in a different way.  I dont think that is your fault.  We are vulnerable people who live and survive in awful situations daily and it makes absolute sense that we would grab any attention and understanding that comes our way as we get so little at home.  I really hope that you can reflect and cut yourself some slack.

I also think that its never too late to leave.  You don’t need any other reason other than you aren’t happy.  Its the abuse that makes us think that we need to be suffering before we deserve a break.  Thats not true.  We have as much right to be happy as anyone else.

I know thats easier said than done but I’d really give it some thought.  Try saying positive things to yourself instead of being so hard on yourself.  You get that elsewhere, you need to be your own cheerleader!  You deserve it!

Sending hugs x

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