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Hi everyone. I just need to vent today. I just wish I could stop thinking about my emotionally abusive and controlling ex. It just doesn’t seem normal to me that I can miss someone who was just so horrible towards me. Especially at the end when he was just downright nasty. logic tells me that I should be glad he left! But I miss him.
I think about him all the time! Even in the gym, walking even my yoga and meditation groups. I keep myself busy all the time and never stop but as soon as I’m alone it hits me again. It’s the same thoughts over and over..,he was so amazing at the beginning…made he feel amazing and then morphed into a completely different person. Cruel, nasty, hateful towards me.
I just want him out of my head for good. It’s like I’ve been brainwashed. I lost myself because he was always in charge. I’ve changed so much.
I pretend to everyone that I am fine but I’m not. It feels like I’m going slowly mad!
Thsnk you for listening to my rant. X
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Beachrunner,
I’m where you are, still cannot stop thinking about him, everything that happened, wondering why the hell I can miss someone who at times spoke to me like I was a naughty child or told me to be quiet. Who held double standards and tried to restrict and repress me and my thoughts.
Longing for the cuddles, the nights in, feeling like the memories are surreal now, was I really there with him, how did it all end, have I walked away from the best thing I ever had.
When will I feel better, if ever, with all the unanswered questions, his silence, and my deep sadness. His voice is in my head and his judgement of me is keeping me trapped and holding me back.
I’ve given up on activities as they’re not helping, even though I’d been craving the freedom to do those whilst we were together. I’m just stuck.
Like you I’ve lost direction because he was steering the whole time, felt nice at first but then I realised I was just a passenger unless it suited him to let me decide something- by then I didn’t know what I wanted anymore or who I was.
And yep I know I’ve changed forever, people say they’ve noticed improvements in me but they can’t see inside me, and all the knots, churning and agony that just refuse to budge.
It’s been months, I don’t know much longer I can cope like this- it sounds like you’re throwing everything at it and it’s still not helping 🙁 so maybe more time is the one and we have to be patient. Keep focused on better days, they have to come, surely.
Xxxxx
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My husband left (detail removed by moderator) and I am still thinking about him from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. So I totally get it. I wish it would stop. I don’t want him back it is more to do with the things he did, the smear campaign he did, the cheating, and hoping he gets his ‘just desserts’ so to speak. I think this is normal. I try and keep busy but my mind soon wanders back to him. I hope it stops for you soon. I think the previous posters are correct in saying time is what it takes. X
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This is exactly where I’m at the moment. I feel your pain! I thought I was doing well feeling strong and right in my decision. But now I feel like it’s all come crashing down. I can’t get him out of my head thinking about him non stop. What is he up to? Where is he etc… also just thinking about how nice it would be just to cuddle up In bed watch tv. My anxiety has got bad and I feel really low and tearful. I hate myself for thinking as I know what he’s done to me. I’ve changed so much over the time we were together. People have commented how they can see a change and i seem better since I’ve left but honestly is it a front? I don’t know… I just feel awful inside like what am I doing? How can I move on? Is this what I really want? There is no going back now I’m just absolutely frazzled at the moment. I’m trying to keep busy but my energy just Seems to be zapped from me and I’ve just had enough.
Is there an end to all this? I have to keep going… x we all deserve happiness.
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Wow! Thank you all for your support and responses. It means so much to me to get support from women who understand! I have felt so very lonely the last- quite a few- months and to the outside world I am just doing fine. It is just a relief and validating to share my feelings with you.
Texas- thank you for all your support these last months. It has really helped me. Thank you for the encouragement that things will get better! It is a beacon of hope for me!
Independence- thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate to so much of it. My ex also spoke to me like a naughty child. He restricted me too- with my family and friends. He made me smaller in a way. So I feel so crazy to still miss him, the cuddles, shared experiences. The exciting times. It so horrible that the man I loved and felt closer to than any other man in my life (I’m late 40’s) turned out to be so cruel and mean and seemed to enjoy hurting me. He also steered the ship of our relationship too. Now I feel very lonely as he was with me 24/7 but I’m determined to not let him win. I would keep going with the activities if you can. Who knows one day we may start to enjoy them again! Each time I go to an activity I think I am not letting him win.
dontlikehotweather- thank you for your message. yes I’m the same! From the moment I wake until I sleep he is on my mind! In some way it’s harder to know that they have left. I also suspect a smear campaign, as he said all of his ex’s were ‘crazy’. I now know that this is a red flag! I went to a cafe we used to go to together all the time and the owner was really odd with me. So I’m sure there was some smearing of me there. All I want is to get to a place where I don’t care anymore!
bluebirds- I can completely relate. The trauma and the injustice of how they have treated us is so hard to process. I have also had comments from well meaning family and friends of how I seem better- inside I am practically screaming. I feel lonely, I miss the cuddles too. I wonder where he is and what he is doing too. I am also low and tearful most days. I take anti-d’s which does help. Like you I want to move on and wonder if I will feel better. Then I remind myself that he is not a safe partner. We will get through this and we will feel better!!
Thank you all again. Your messages have lifted me up and to know that I am not alone and that you care really helps!! It’s so nice to vent and talk without having to put my ‘everything is ok’ smile on.
Thank you and sending you all strength. I’m going to post more on here as it has helped me so much! X
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