Just want to not care

[Starting-again]

Todays been a bad day.
Back story, I was with him over (detail removed by moderator), a lot of lies, cheating, gaslighting, verbal and mental abuse.
We had split up the end of (detail removed by moderator) and I was doing ok, then the beginning of (detail removed by moderator) he had a serious accident, I went back, supported him through this, then in recovery they found a tumour. I supported him through this and he made a full recovery.
As soon as he was back on his feet it started again, the lies, disappearing, not saying where he was. It came to a head and he told me he was moving (detail removed by moderator) away.
It was all lies, he had started a relationship with an old friend.
He discarded me in a horrific and cruel way.
Several months on I was no contact, but just stuck in limbo. Every emotion going on, anger, hurt, shame, jealousy.
I’m trying to rebuild my life after spending the year caring for him. I’m doing therapy, I’m trying to focus on myself. But I feel so stuck in the past. And so hurt that he left me the minute he was well.
I know I should be jumping with joy that he left, he’s done horrific things over the years. But I’m not. I broke no contact last week to try and get closure, but of course it has just opened it back up. He has completely detached and moved on.

The rational part of me is glad it’s over, I hadn’t been happy for years, I was a paranoid and insecure mess. He lied and cheated constantly. He had no respect for me.
But why is part of me missing him, missing that up and down cycle.
I don’t hate the person he’s with, I know he won’t change, but I’m resentful that I had no life the last year as his injuries were so bad we didn’t do anything, but as soon as he got with her they were doing all the things we had spoken about doing. I know in time he will treat her the same.

My head is just stuck in the past, constantly going over it, and I wish I just didn’t care. I want to live a happy and calm life, one day have a normal relationship. But I just feel so stuck.
It’s over, I know I would never have him back. He’s moved on.
I just don’t know why my head is still missing him, I feel like it’s only myself that’s stopping me moving forwards.

[Lisa]

Hi Starting-again,

Thank you for sharing with us. I am aware you have had replies to your other post but I wanted to acknowledge this post and how you are feeling. I hope it is helping to offload on the forum, we are all here for you.

Keep posting when you can to let us know how you are doing.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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