Just want to scream!!

[Random.]

Things continually just feel more and more helpless every day its like my life only revolves around what has happened between us in the past. It’s all I ever think about I struggle to make conversation with him or even laugh with him anymore. I’m completely absorbed by these horrid feelings and flashbacks. He asks why I jump at such stupid things so he puts on horror films or jokes about ways of killing but makes me feel like Im being hurtful because everyone else jokes about him getting called a murderer etc by his mates because of what he’s done to me so why cant he joke. Hes right he should be able to, most of it rolls off my back but sometimes like right now I just want to scream. I feel like I’ll be left a shell if I leave him but how much worse can I feel if I stay with him? It scares to me think of either scenario so I just continue on.
The police have said they’ve kept records of certain things after my IDVA contacted them concerned for my safety and would I be willing to speak to them and make a statement but I just feel I have no idea whats right or wrong or whether I could survive alone if I did, everyone would alienate me surely?
Work life if stressful too, I enjoy it but it is quite demanding and for the most part hes ok about me talking about my stress for a brief minute before he accuses me of cheating on him at work or before he interjects about how stressed he is then casually tells me he wants sex.
Then if I dont feel up to it he’ll sulk or just keep on saying we need to have more sex or are you getting it from someone else.
Im just so frustrated!!!

[fizzylem]

You cant win can you R. He’s totally invading your space and has left your nerves all over the place. If your IDVA has spoken to the police I would roll with this; especially if you have children. You need to feel safe and get away from the abuse. The longer you stay the more worn out you become, the only way forwards is to remove the cause – you do not need this man, however much he has persuaded you otherwise.

He is not right at all saying you should be able to take a joke here – saying this shows me how battered your mind has become. You are nervous for good reason, history has shown you to be wary of this man. He moves the goal posts, so you never know if what you say or do will be wrong but you do know that sooner or later it will be wrong, and that you likely wont see it coming as it will be about something riddiculous.

If you found something funny then you’d laugh; clearly you dont find it funny. Yes you are already wound up tight, and this is because of his behaviour – so it is not your fault you dont find him funny.

I used to fake laugh at my ex’s warped jokes, to keep the peace, I learnt that it didnt matter if I found him funny or not, as long as he felt he was funny – that was what was important here to him. Left me feeling I dont have a sense of humour anymore for a while and in serious need of a good belly full of laughs; thing is, there’s not much to laugh about when being abused is there. It turned out it wasn’t me without a sense of humour, all I needed was a friend I felt relaxed with and to act goofy with.

Not going to lie and say it’s easy getting out, it’s difficult trying to make it happen, get it all lined up, but after you leap you can rest and recover; staying and it simply carries on, there is no let up and it will always be the same, or maybe even get worse; and as more time passes you feel more unable to do what is needed. You need an abuse free, peaceful life R x

[KIP.]

You survived before you met him and you will survive and thrive without someone dragging you down. Think of a toddler trying to walk and getting pushed down every time they get on their feet. That’s what an abuser does. I’ve been where you are and the doubts are what your abuser has planted. He wants you to be fearful of the outside world and feel that his is the safe place. Where in reality there is nothing safe about him and the outside world is where safety and peace are. Lean on your IDVA, she will keep you right. Talk to the police and see what your options are x

[Author]

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