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So today I had a really good day. I stayed in my flat instead of heading for a friend or family member’s house for the weekend. I went out to meet a new friend for the first time – we’d been set up by a mutual friend because we were both moving to the same area. I’d had her contact details for ages but before I was too worried about my ex’s reaction – all the questions and suspicions and me feeling anxious the whole time. But today none of that mattered, it was just me having coffee with a girl-friend and that was amazing. SO liberating.
Then he messages me for the first time in ages. Its actually like he instinctively knows when I’ve had a good day and has to spoil it. And I KNOW I just need to block the number but I just can’t and no one gets it. And now I’m a mess again.
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Blocking him takes time and you need to be in the right place in your head, meantime, how about getting a cheap phone for him only. Put your sim in that and Changing your number for everyone else. That way you don’t even have to look at the phone he contacts you on until you’re ready? You could switch it off alternate days and build up to blocking him. Contact is toxic and you will eventually have had enough of him making you feel upset by contact x
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Hi KIP, thank you for your reply. Its good to know that I’m not as nuts as my friends think I am for not having blocked the number yet. I hadn’t thought about the idea of having a phone just for him. That sounds like a good plan, and more incremental than just blocking him. I’m so tired of being reduced to kitchen floor panic attacks by it all x
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You are definitely not nuts. It’s hard to block, especially when you’ve suffered at the hands of a skilled manipulator. These people do seem to instinctively know from all that I’ve read. We don’t block because we have the trauma bond. Unless they’ve experienced it, people don’t tend to understand in my experience. They don’t get that it’s not a ‘normal’ breakup and that you don’t just move on like that. There’s a lot of processing of so many things. KIP’s idea is great, it’s worth a try until you are ready to do it. There’s no doubt that blocking and removing yourself from the toxic contact is needed, but it’s so much easier said than done sometimes. Be really gentle and kind with yourself. What you are going through is very typical. Why else do so many people get lured back so many times? These abusive people seem to have a sixth sense or something and they know the impact that they have. The road to recovery is bumpy – stay strong as you sounds like you have been making great progress. This has been a bump but you can do it x
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Have you spoken to your GP about counselling? The right kind of counselling is invaluable as it a good support network. Have you contacted your local women’s aid? They can support you through this. It’s difficult to do it alone. I used to practice blocking his number. Starting with one minute then building up to five minutes etc. It’s the anxiety too of blocking him then the panic that it will anger him or he will find another way of contact. I think we feel we still have a certain amount of control and predictability this way. Although in the long run it will be the only way to go. One day a switch will go off and you will simply have had enough of him making you feel this way. You will have your ‘enough is enough’ moment. Until that comes just stay safe and be very kind to yourself. It takes quite some time to break that trauma bond and build up your confidence. It took me five years to believe he wasn’t going to come back and finish me off. It’s not until we feel safe that the real healing can begin. Until the we are tied with anxieties. Keep going taking baby steps and building on strong positive relationships around you and remember to ring 999 should you feel threatened in any way. You can also speak to a domestic abuse police officer for advice or ring the helpline number on here.
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I haven’t spoken to my GP, I worry about going to the one I’m registered with because they aren’t interested, they just say they can give me antidepressants. I self-referred through IAPT and they assessed me and said I’m exhibiting symptoms of PTSD and have referred me for another assessment but I have no timescale for that, they just said I’m on a waiting list. I should moving soon to be back home because I’m not coping on my own. The doctor at home is really good and I’m sure I can get help through them so I’m holding out for that. At the moment I feel like I’m in limbo. And then there is all the admin that has to be done around moving…gah.
I am terrified that it will make him angry if I block his number. I suppose because I worry that I am overreacting and none of it was as bad as I’m making out, that I’m just attention seeking and I just pushed him to do and say the things he did because I’m infuriating and difficult. So blocking him feels just like a big part of that and it will hurt him, because I am not even sure that he knew what he was doing or how his behaviour affected me.
But then, I’m so scared that he will get to me and I won’t be strong enough or brave enough to say no. I know that I don’t want to go back, but he could persuade you that the sky is green if he wanted to. It would be impossible to say no.
Will he ever let me go?
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Fulmar, darling, are you still using the same phone you had when you were with him? If so, could he ever have had unsupervised access to it?
If he ‘just seems to know’ when you’re out somewhere new, perhaps he really does know – because he’s tracking you!
More abusers do this sort of thing than don’t, after a split, so it’s more likely than not.
You can switch off the GPS in your phone that is advertising your whereabouts. That might help.
Hang in there; you will shake him off.
Flower x
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