Kids back after seeing dad at Christmas

[anotherlife]

Ladies, I know all this is to be expected, more so in holidays, but gosh it’s so hard. My (detail removed by moderator) kids have been to their dad’s over Christmas, (detail removed by moderator). She’s usually v temperamental and controlling if you can call it that as a young teenager trying to rule the house and her mum.
They’ve had time with super dad,we know they’re not always super dad, loads of junk food, money spent, food out, staying up until past 2am…. Seriously, I didn’t think it’d be this bad this visit.
Back home with me, eldest is fine and lovely, but staying up v late, but he’s much older anyway. Youngest rude, ignoring, snapping, reacting, angry, still won’t go to bed at midnight. I know it’s holidays etc but another week off school yet, will just sit in room on phone all day, if I even speak at times, she’s just plain nasty. But if I look behind this, it’s anger and confusion coming out, she said (detail removed by moderator).
I know I need to ride this out a few days, get a little calm into the house, be consistent (but how with him bad mouthing me when they were away, ‘mum just goes on about things’ so to not bother listening), but I’m finding it really horrible and triggering and getting so anxious.
I know it’s not about me, the kids have suffered verbal and emotional abuse over the years, it’s ingrained and so many feelings hidden.
I know he’s worse because no girlfriend and I don’t reply to his msgs unless about the kids, he’s just a n******** who wants to hold on and have attention, his own way, make my life hard as I’m not pandering to him or chatting at the door, so just males it more obvious he’s going to be super dad and angry ex.
Phew, on with the day. Thanks for reading if you have.
I suppose I just needed to get this out and seek support. Know it’s a really hard time for everyone. My love & support to you all 💗

[Lottieblue]

Hi there, I just wanted to show you some support. It’s so hard. You have the double whammy of them being at their dad’s for Christmas but also being a really tricky age anyway. I don’t have advice to give, because there never are simple answers to this, but I do want to say that you sound as if you are doing an amazing job. You are completely tuned in to where their troubles are rooted, and you also know what they need going forwards. I keep telling myself that I’m playing the long game – my kids are a bit older, but it’s still problematic. When I was building up to leaving, one of the things I did was to think forwards with my “what ifs” – I knew for sure that if I didn’t leave I would never have a relationship with my kids, their future partners and their future kids – my grandchildren – because of my husband. Ironically and cruelly, my eldest now won’t speak to me as he thinks I have wrecked the family by leaving, but I know that I just have to do what’s right by him and it will come good in the end and if/when he has his own family, they will be in my life.

You are strong, you are wonderful, you are an amazing mother who has protected her children by doing what she knew to be best. My gosh it’s hard but keep trusting your instinct.

I’m certain someone else who has been through these things will be along soon with more practical advice but in the meantime, huge hugs x*x

[anotherlife]

Thank you so much Lottieblue. I’ve cone on here again today to read some other posts, as it’s been an anxious & upsetting time with my youngest, so angry and bitter but lovely again to him when he called. I could hear and he was questioning where she was & laughing because I was alone on new years eve while she sat in her bed all day being stubborn & rude. She’s still there a day later in the same clothes she’s had on for about 3 or 4 days and nights.
It’s the first day of a new year today and the battle with her feels even harder. My eldest has been out walking with me, which is unusual but lovely, but she wouldn’t move. I’m feeling trapped and my family just think she’s selfish but I can’t blame them. Sorry to winge. I need to read back on my positive post recently as I know I can feel better than this, but rarely when at home. I know we can only be as happy as we allow ourself to be etc, but it feels stifling and I’m dreading getting up each day to see what she’ll be like. I know it’s affecting her physical and mental health.

[Bestchance07]

Anotherlife, I completely get this.
I am currently in my room whilst my ex enjoys the rest of the house and the TV with my children. Splashing the cash on them, discussing what amazing things they are going to do and places they are going to go. Its been the same all over Christmas. My youngest has hardly said a word tp me all day. Before then, my kids would be with me all the time 7 days a week whilst he went off doing his hobbies etc etc. Now they want nothing to do with me.
Its heartbreaking and worrying at the same time

[anotherlife]

Bestchance07,I’m so sorry for what your dealing with right now. It sounds v similar to how it was a few years ago when we were still under same roof & he was manipulating the kids. They do it to buy their love, to undermine us and to make themselves feel big while trying to make us feel so small. But that just shows what they really are. I still wouldn’t spend one minute with him to make my life easier, he’s not worth the time he gets in my mind, but unfortunately after manipulating the kids even more lately, he’s made it harder for me. I know it’s like a long game and we just have to get ourselves through it. I don’t ever regret getting him out of here and one day,ineed to get out of here too and he’ll have less hold over me or need to question everything.
It’s v sad but my daughter reminds me of him, but maybe that’s just because she’s still a child & he was like a spoilt child. She’s like a jekyll & hyde, as I used to describe him,and I hate to say it, but tried to bully me.
I’ve got some music on now, sat cosy (on my own lol) in the lounge and just trying to relax a bit.
Thinking of you Bestchance07,try to be strong but stay safe and seek the help you need, it’s alarming how much they can show their true colours when they feel they’re losing control x

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